SoggyCornflakes Sports

After confirming the signing of the very average Joey Barton (as a player I mean, as a thug he’s brilliant), Newcastle have decided to sign the fat waste of space that is Mark Viduka. The Australian is reported to be having a medical at Newcastle today, after rejecting offers from current club Middlesbrough as well as Portsmouth, West Ham and Birmingham.

Newcastle’s new boss Sam Allardyce says,

“Mark is almost in the bag. It has been difficult because he has been on holiday but we are nearly there.”

What’s wrong with Allardyce? Is he compensating for not wasting money at Bolton by wasting as much as he can at Newcastle? Admittedly Viduka’s a decent striker when he’s arsed, but most of the time he seems to be wondering whether he’ll get McDonald’s or Burger King after the match.

Maybe Allardyce will arrange to pay him in Burgers, and maybe he’ll get fries on the side when he scores and a Large Coke if he lays on an assist.

I look forward to Mark Viduka being named World footballer of the Year.

Almost relegated West Ham have decided to get it done properly this time by signing former Newcastle captain Scott Parker for a reported 7 million Pounds. Parker, 26, joins West Ham on a 5 year deal and in the process rejoins Alan Curbishley who was at his manager at Charlton.

Curbishley said,

“He’s been captain of Newcastle over the last couple of seasons and he’s exactly the type of player that I wanted to bring in.

He’s very experienced but still young - I’m sure he’ll be a big asset.”

Yes Alan, I’m sure an average player with average captaincy skills and an alarming affinity with relegation battles (Bar the year at Chelski) will carry West Ham to the next level. Great buy! High-five!