SoggyCornflakes Sports

Tiger Woods, bade goodbye to good times by welcoming his first child into the world. Less than 24 hours after he finished second in the US Open, his wife gave birth.

He named her Sam Alexis.

Tiger said on his personal website,

“Both Elin and Sam are doing well and resting peacefully,” Woods wrote. “We want to thank our doctors and the hospital staff for all their dedicated and hard work.

“This is truly a special time in our lives and we look forward to introducing Sam to our family and friends over the next few weeks. We thank everyone for their well wishes and continued respect of our privacy.”

Wow… he almost sounds… happy?

Nah! No one can be happy when they have kids. That’s why I don’t have sex. Because I don’t want kids… Yeah… so… I’m a virgin… and… happy… a happy childless virgin.

Golfer, Annika Sorenstam, faces a long lay-off from competitive golf after she was forced to pull out of an LPGA tour event.

Reports indicate that doctors have discovered a ruptured disk and a bulging disk.

She says,

“I’ve been playing with quite a bit of pain for the past several weeks, I couldn’t take it much more and decided it was time to see someone after the pro-am yesterday. I withdraw with deep regret.”

One question, since when was the LPGA “competitive”? I’ve had more competitive games of Mario Kart with my teddy bear. That Teddy Ruxpin’s a real fighter. And by fighter, I mean a stuffed toy. A stuffed toy, With no nose and only one ear…

I LOVE YOU TEDDY RUXPIN!!!

…

Thanks to the losers at SoggyCornflakes.com – Celebrities for covering…

Zach Johnson came through a thrilling (or at least as thrilling as golf can be…) final day at Augusta, to claim his first major.

It was a surprising victory for the American who had never previously finished in the top ten of a major. More surprising was the fact that he held of a rampaging Retief Goosen who finished two shots back, jointly with fellow South African Rory Sabbatini and Tiger Woods.

First day leader Justin Rose ended three shots back, at four over, alongside Jerry Kelly.

Devout Christian Johnson seemed to be as surprised as the rest of us saying,

“It is amazing what God can do. I believe in myself but every now and then you miss a putt and you can get down on yourself but I’ve had a lot of support. I tried to be non-emotional out there - that was one of my goals. I just tried to stay in the present and go through my processes. I knew I could win on the major scene. I felt everything was ready and I prepared very hard.”

Goosen was a gracious loser saying,

“Zach has been a very good player for a long time, he hits the ball straight, low and accurately - that’s what you need around here.”

The final leaderboard read…

1. Johnson - 1 over
2. Goosen, Sabbatini, Woods - 3 over
3. Kelly, Rose - 4 over

You know, I don’t really like these religious types. Especially the crackpot ones that come and say, “You’re going to hell… unless you accept Jesus… and give us 50 bucks…”

Yeah, like I’m gonna give you fifty bucks to go to heaven… that tramp at the street corner just sold it to me for two bucks and a half-eaten sandwich.

I have great business acumen.

Justin Rose carded a superb three-under 69 to claim a share of the first-round lead at the 71st Masters. Rose, who played the only bogey free round today, was joined upfront by American Brett Wetterich.

Following the leaders was David Howell who is only a shot behind at two-under seventy.

Tiger Woods started of promisingly before falling away at the last two holes (both bogeys) and ended four of the lead. (Also ended up pissed…as in angry… not drunk)

The first round leader board reads as follows

-3 Justin Rose (Eng), Brett Wetterich (US)
-2 David Howell (Eng), David Toms (US)
-1 Tim Clark (SA), Vaughn Taylor (US), Zach Johnson (US), Rich Beem(US), JJ Henry (US), Level Davis Love III (US), Henrik Stenson (Swe), Bart Bryant(US), Tim Herron (US), Jeev Milkha Singh (Ind)

It’s nice to see Tiger flop like this. It obviously helps him retain a semblance of his humanity. Before he morphs obviously. Then he’ll pounce. Silently and dead…lily? And carry away the defeated carcass of the English(man) Rose…

What do you mean he doesn’t morph? Tiger’s actually a man? Than I wasted the whole day waiting for him to morph?! B******! Who the f*** names their kid Tiger without giving him morphing ability?

And to think I could have been watching my Animorphs video’s… ‘cause they’re not out on DVD yet…