SoggyCornflakes Sports

Wrestling legend Hulk Hogan (How is a person a wrestling legend? Did he throw more fake punches and fake kicks than anyone else? Or was his acting better when he won fake awards?) says that the late Chris Benoit’s wife had an obsession with “devil-worship”. Benoit killed himself and his wife and child recently, in case you missed it… because I did.

The (fake) Hulk says,

“He (Benoit) was peaceful and kept to himself. I think it had to be something personal, a domestic problem between him and his wife. She was into devil-worship stuff. It was part of her (wrestling) character, but (she was) somebody who gets so close to their character, someone who gets into their character too much. Sometimes these people believe their own publicity.”

Far be it for me to judge the (fake) Hulk, but someone who named himself after a big, green, strong, scientist-y guy and takes off his shirt at the age of 50 something to reveal his beer gut, really shouldn’t be telling people to leave their character at work.

Hogan looks like the type who, when his daughter brings a guy home for a date, tears off his own shirt, leg drops him before screaming, “Hogan Knows BEST!!!”

… Scary thought

Former Chelsea (and current Juve) manager, Claudio Ranieri, today confirmed that he will not be moving for midfielder Frank Lampard following a breakdown in talks between the player and Chelsea. Lampard reportedly wants wages matching those of uber-flops Andrei Schevchenko and Michael Ballack, but Chelsea’s current offer is said to fall around 10 000 pounds short of Lampards demands.

Ranieri says,

“We are full in midfield and won’t be signing anyone else there. Frank is a fantastic player - I know that better than anyone - but the only player we need before the start of the season is a central defender.”

This comes following Barca’s apparent snubbing of the player. An executive at Barca said,

“He will stay at Chelsea. There is no other option. He has been offered to us, Milan, Inter and Real Madrid. Basically all of the big clubs. But none are interested. We are the same as those clubs are, we’re looking for a player who is more creative and has a greater technique than Lampard. So it looks like he will go nowhere.”

Well you can’t blame Lampard for demanding more money than a player who’s greatest footballing aim seems to be to break the record for most passes to the opposition, before falling on his bottom and pouting prettily. But than again you can blame Lampard for demanding 7 million pounds a year just so he can shoot at defenders asses in the hope that it will ricochet past the keeper.

The Russian resort of Sochi has won the right to stage the 2014 Winter Olympics. The resort held of the stiff challenges of Salzburg (Austria) and Pyeongchang (South Korea)…

Sorry, I can’t carry on… who even cares about the Winter Olympics? It’s like the Olympics for people who enjoy dying of pneumonia. The basic gist of the article is, a place I’ve never heard of, beats two other places I’ve never heard of to host an event I’ve never watched (To be fair, I’ve heard of Salzburg, but admitting that would kinda step on my point).

Anyway, carrying on with the story…

Sochi secured 51 votes at a meeting of International Olympic Committee (IOC) delegates in Guatemala, beating its South Korean rival by just four votes. Salzburg had been eliminated earlier.

The announcement sparked wild celebrations in Sochi amongst the half-a-dozen* strong crowd. The “crowd” that showed up to view the announcement in Pyeongchang (A lady with her 8 kids apparently) were crestfallen.

Pyeongchang Restaurant owner Son Chang-min said,

“It’s worse than four years ago, because this time we really thought we would win,”

I’m guessing he speaks the truth. I hear four years ago their were only six sheep and a lost-looking shepherd waiting for the announcement. This years crowd must have been mayhem. Where did they organize the two nannies they needed to look after all the kids?!!!

Aaah! Transfers. The time of the year when seedy agents aim to earn a quick buck and Arsenal’s best player is linked to a move in Spain.

So, to start of…

Sven Goran Eriksson the newly appointed Manchester City boss has moved swiftly to rectify the clubs problem with hitting the back of the net. The Swede is on the verge of bringing in Reggina forward, Rolando Bianchi. Bianchi, had scored 18 goals for Reggina last season, putting him 4th in the race for the Golden Boot. Reggina were 18th in the Serie A last season.

That’s cute. He leaves a club fighting relegation so… he can join fight relegation English-ly? ummm… Yeah.

Chelsea today sealed the signing of midfielder-cum-winger Florent Malouda of Lyon. The fee is reported to be in the region of 13.5 million Pounds.

You know, I’d be surprised if it was any normal club. But it’s Chelsea! They paid 8 million quid for Khalid Bouhlarouz. It would be a surprise if they didn’t waste money! Jose, if you’re reading this, I’m available on a free transfer. I can’t pass, tackle or shoot though. Think about it!

Real Madrid have completed the signing of Porto defender Pepe. He joins Cristoph Metzelder as new coach, Bernd Schuster’s initial signings. The fee is reported to be 28 million euros.

Real = Spanish Chelsea. The End.

And so that’s pretty much it. Conclusion: Football clubs are stupid…