SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Even the Russians! You'd think they'd be happy with the American that is threatening to make sure that instead of 1 in 4 young Americans having STD's... 1 in 3 should! (Dun dun dun...) They should really consider making a movie like that... Paris would be like that hot chick from Species... except she'd be wonky eyed, skinny and emaciated... actually she'd be nothing like the hot girl from Species. Anyway, trust Paris Hilton to be juvenile. She's been banned from Hyatt Hotel in Moscow fro scribbling on the walls. Starpulse.com reports,

The hotel heiress, 27, wrote 'Paris Moscow 2008' in a black marker pen in $16,000 -a-night suite in the Hyatt Hotel in the Russian capital. Hilton wrote on the wall for a photo-shoot in the room. However bosses at the hotel were unimpressed - and fined her $9,000. A hotel spokesman says, "Miss Hilton ruined the wallpaper in the luxury suite. In such a case the client automatically goes on the black list."

Eejit. You'd think she'd at least scribble something awesome like, "visit www.soggycornflakes.com bitches!". I did that in my university toilets. Than I drew a picture of my lecturer having sex with a gorilla. And by "sex" I mean... brutally raped. I'm a class act. Oh... and some news. Did you click? Ha! I tricked you into reading my other blog. And by "my" I mean "theirs"... I write for them, OK?

With Lindsay Lohan in the arms of Sam Ronson, Nicole Richie "looking after" her kid and Britney Spears locked up, Paris Hilton seems to be running short of people to fight with. So much so that she's decided to despise a practical nobody. Paris Hilton has supposedly declared war on Mischa Barton (You know that girl from the OC? Not the hot one. The skinny irritating one?), for supposedly no reason whatsoever except perhaps to give her empty life some purpose. The Mirror reports,

It seems Paris is none too pleased that the actress is muscling-in on her UK tour with boyfriend Benji Madden's band Good Charlotte. Mischa is also over here to support her own bloke, guitarist Taylor Rocke who coincidentally plays with LA band Rooney, which is supporting Good Charlotte. And Mischa, needless to say, will be there in the wings.

Charming. It must suck being so filled with hate. Why can't people be like me? Filled with love and affection for all God's creatures. Except for Paris Hilton... If I f***ing saw that b***h I'd f***ing c*** her in her b*****d before grabbing her f***ing pinhead and slamming it into a f***ing brick wall until her miniscule brains slid down the wall... Apart from that I love everyone. Like I said it's pointless to be consumed by hate. Remember that Grasshopper. Why can't we all love? Like her.

This is a post I dedicate to the one true love of my life... Paris Hilton... she truly rocks. Dear Paris. I love your blue eyes, that are really brown. I love your blond hair which is really... blond... I assume. I love the fact that you can't open one eye properly, mainly due to all the semen you took on it. I hear that when they do that "infra-red-semen-test-thingamajig" on your eye, they find that there is at least a quart of "ghost semen" there. Admirable. I admire your self confidence... some may misconstrue it as arrogance. But I see it for what it is. Pure self confidence. Which you've earned, through your hard work and devotion. I understand you believe that you put in more work than the average CEO. I believe you, because I think you're the pinnacle of honesty. I hear Archbishop Tutu comes to your house to take honesty lessons. Awesome. I think the only reason, people don't take photo's of Steve Jobs testicles after drunken booze-ups is because no one wants to see his diseased nether regions. I also admire your charity work, where in you frequently remind the world about people they've forgotten... and how you're in the front line... fighting for them. It was amazing how you visited South Africa and helped the AIDS ridden orphans by holding them close to three feet away from you. I think they appreciated it. Ultimately I'd like to say... That I love Paris Hilton. And would like to marry her. And father her children. Who will be every bit as awesome as she is... It's finally got it off my chest. I can breathe now. ... What are you guys waiting for? That's the end of the post. Shoo! Note: Paris Hilton... You indeed Rock!

Yesterday it was reported that Paris was seen with a shaman who proceeded to "bless her" before Paris gave away a necklace to an astonished passer by... It's all a lie! The shaman in question, turns out to be an actor named Maxie Santillan, who has appeared in The Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Says TMZ.com,

Her "Guru" that has supposedly changed her life is actually a Hollywood actor. His name is Maxie Santillan. He's starred in tons of films and TV shows including "My Name is Earl" and "Pirates of the Caribbean." According to IMDB, Maxie's latest projects are all in "post production" so clearly he has enough free time to whore it up for Paris. BTW, Maxie's MySpace profile quote makes it clear -- he's the perfect spiritual guide for Paris. It reads, "Burbank can kiss my a**."

Sometimes I sit and wonder... Is Paris really and evil genius, that does these seemingly stupid things to make sure she stays in the news? And then thunder flashes behind me as I bend my fingers into the famous "finger pyramid of evil" and sit at my big study table made of oak and sit in quiet contemplation... But then I say... surely no one can be that smart? She's probably so stupid that at times she falls off the edge of stupidity and for a few fleeting seconds she touches uber geniues... and so life is sweet again. ... All this while Paris is scheming away. Like a rat... or something that schemes... like an older sister that gives her younger brother wedgies, maybe?

Paris Hilton is set to return to the small screen following the "success" of her initial foray into the market (i.e The Simple Life, A show that involved Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie acting like idiots and being fired from job after job before they are sent back home and they say to the camera's "See? We can live without our money!"... Douchebags). Hilton is set to star in a new show as yet untitled where Hilton will be searching amongst "normal" (read: not semi-retarded) people for someone to be her friend. A source tells Us Magazine,

"The show is going to be about her searching for a new best friend, Paris is tired of the haters and she's looking for someone new. She's looking for someone new and cool who she can trust."

I should so be on this show. I could be nice and sweet to Paris for about a year and then in the final episode where Paris Hilton would choose me as her BFF I'd say in a really posh English accent, "I'd rather not. I think you're a douchebag" and then I'd spit in her mouth. Television gold. I really need to phone those producers.