SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Tom Cruise and his beard wife are supposedly going through some marital strife. Katie Holmes is reportedly upset about the fact that Tom Cruise wants her to be a Stepford Wife/Fembot (I used both because I didn't know which one would be more applicable in this case), and is looking to spend some time away from Tommy boy by going to New York to star in a Broadway show. Tom Tom however doesn't see it this way and is apparently determined to follow Holmes to the ends of the earth to make sure that she won't split at the first opportunity. Holmes is also upset at how the Cruiseter crazy guy (The Cruiseter is way too cool for Tom Cruise) calls all the shots on how to raise Suri. A source said,

"Tom wants to call all the shots when it comes to Suri. He has a lot of rules, and there's conflict."

That's not surprising to be honest. If you want your child to believe that aliens are coming to get you and to avoid being bombed you have to prepare a secret hideout where people with enough theta neurons will be kept safe... Yeah. You're probably best off getting an early start to the brainwashing. Must be what this guy is trying to in India.

Katie Holmes is apparently buckling under the pressure of being a gay dwarfs wife (Note the disclaimer... You can't sue me Tom! I already said it's probably a lie! Ha! You Homosexual midget!). Holmes is said to be suffering from migraines and dizzy spells. Star Magazine reports,

When Katie recently lunched at her favorite restaurant, L.A.'s Joan's on Third, it was obvious that something was terribly wrong. She seemed exhausted, her skin was pale, and she looked feeble and emaciated. "She gave us a weak smile and wave before leaving out the back door," says an eyewitness at the restaurant. Once outside, a confused and unsteady Katie braced herself against the doorframe before her bodyguard carefully guided her into a waiting SUV."

You know what this reminds me of? Rosemary's Baby... apart from the obvious awesomeness that was Rosemary's Baby. I'm not saying that Tom Cruise is the devil or that Suri is the Anti-Christ. I'm just saying we should kill them before they take over the world in their reign of evil.

Katie Holmes is still seemingly suffering from the effects of the mind control drug Tom Cruise supposedly pumped into her in 2005. In a recent interview, Katie Holmes claims that her life with Tom Cruise is a "dream come true" and claims that she could not be happier. She tells the Daily Mail,

Being in heaven was falling in love with Tom and having our daughter. I'm such a lucky woman. Sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming. It was always my dream as a child to marry Tom Cruise!" "We just went on this great date together, and it's been wonderful ever since. He's the most amazing man in the world. I'm so happy. I love him. I feel like he's made my life. "He's just amazing. He's kind, generous, smart, he's Tom Cruise - he's the most artistic man I've ever met. He makes me laugh like I've never laughed. He's made me feel joy like I never have before. There are so many things. He's the most wonderful human being I know."

There are just so many things wrong with this... But I think the highlighted portion of the quote is all that we need. It's all that we need.

Katie Holmes said that she’s eager to continue being the testing lab mother of Tom Cruise’s sperm. The 28 year old said she’s eager to add to their test subjects family in the future, but she is currently occupied with Suri. Holmes says,

"I'd love to have more children. But I'm in no particular rush. We're enjoying our time right now." "Nowadays, Suri is talking up a storm. She loves coloring and creating. She's a great mimic and dancer."

She also lied about her first meeting with Tom Cruise saying,

"We met in a work meeting and my God, whew, whew." "It happened in an instant. When you fall in love, it's as if time stops. It's all-encompassing."

I’m pretty sure she’s lying. Most one year olds can barely stumble across the room, but here’s Tom Cruise’s kid dancing it up… and miming… and colouring… and creating… Also… about her “love at first sight” with Tom Cruise… Yes… I believe that. I'm a big believer in love at first sight... especially when it's with a midget that follows a crazy cult and is your dad's age … it’s every girls dream right? To fall in love with a midget, that’s their father’s age? And then to do it with them? and have kids? Aaah... Who needs Barbara Cartland when we have Katie Holmes to warm the cockles of our cold dead hearts?

Well, obviously she is or why would she mind that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie brought the paparazzi to Chicago and they don't want to hear her whining about how American's are so much better than the British. Ummm, the British have cool accents, Americans make me wanna rip my arm off and beat you with it until you shut up!

"When Brad and Angelina leave, won't they [paparazzi] go, too?" "Don't you think they sort of blow in and out with the celebs?"

So does this stem from the fact that Gweneth is jealous because she couldn't keep Brad (they were engaged once upon a time, before anyone really cared) or because no-ones paying attention to her? I think it has to be the former, since no-one ever pays attention to her. She can't still be bitter about that. I'm sure Chicago is your haven away from the paparazzi Gwen. Yes, they do hide in the bushes and take their shots. Yes, those pictures never appear in any tabloids because you have friends in high places. Yes, Tom Cruise really isn't gay. Just keep telling yourself that.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were left red-faced after being refused entry to a St. Tropez nightclub on Friday. The pair were turned away from the Byblos Hotel's Caves Du Roi club after being told there was no room for them in the VIP area, where other stars including P. Diddy were already partying. A source at the club says,

"The VIP area was full and the management weren't willing to move the guests already there to make room for Tom. "It wouldn't have been fair - they'd spent a fortune."

Tom and Katie are said to have stormed off, making their way to the VIP Room club where owner Jean Roch immediately gave them their own table. ... I wonder what they have in those VIP area's that make celebs so desperate to eat there... I bet they have unicorns... and candy floss made from the softest clouds... and fruit that tastes like it was plucked from heaven seconds ago... Either that, or the more likely explanation. Celebs are all just stuck up arseholes.

So I guess he's going to jail. Because asking Pete Doherty to give up drugs is like asking me to give up chocolate...or asking Hannibal Lector to stop eating people's brains...or telling Tom Cruise to stop being a closet homo. It's just impossible. The singer has been given 4 weeks by the judge to even show some remorse and desire to sober up or she'll put him in jail. He then told the judge that he understood her...nice to see you're paying attention Pete. In July, Pete was convicted of possessing quantities of crack cocaine, heroin, cannabis and ketamine...he pleaded "I do"...before changing his answer to guilty. Or at least that's how I see it in my mind. Dumbass. Him, not me.

Just because a guy has more lotions than me doesn’t make him gay, right? He’s just metrosexual…which means you’re gay without the sex. Yes, I’m crass, I know. But whatever, two big metrosexuals are going to be able to taste forbidden fruits when David Beckham and Robbie Williams play a gay couple on Desperate Housewives. Marc Cherry, the creator of the series, says:

"David and Robbie are perfect to star as the new neighbours' best friends; the gorgeous, eccentric couple flown over from Blighty (Britain). We haven't had that kind of wow for the wives since Jesse Metcalfe left and we want it to cause such a stir when they turn out to be together.” “David's keen, but though the obvious choice was to work with Tom Cruise, we wanted someone who matches him in height and well, Britishness, so Robbie is the one,” “They're both funny, game for a laugh and ridiculously macho, so it should work wonderfully... the English are pitch-perfect for sending themselves up.”

I wonder if Cherry being gay has anything to do with his latest couple on the block. And dude, you’re seriously delusional…David might be good-looking and Robbie is also hot (to some), but watching two guys make out…doesn’t turn on any woman. So please, don’t put your own fantasies in the show and pretend you’re doing it for us. Though I wonder…who’s the ‘man’ in that relationship?

Seriously, if Katie Holmes got pregnant again (What is this? 2 times in 3 years?) then she must be cheating on Tom Cruise. I mean, he couldn't get Nicole Kidman pregnant in all those years, so how did he become so magically fertile? Whatever, I think she just hasn't lost her baby weight yet.

Footballer David Beckham is done with the UK and Europe and has finally arrived in the USA to begin a new life with his wife, Victoria and children. While soccer fans know who the star footballer is, and are looking forward to him playing for the Los Angeles Galaxy in the MLS. Others have no clue who he is. "Who is David Beckham?" asked an 11-year old boy at the airport. Maybe things won't be as starry for the Beckham's in their new country after all. After all, they have Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes as nieghbours...talk about nieghbours from hell. Back at home, Rebecca Loos, the "other" woman who almost destroyed the golden couple has the audacity to say that the Beckham's should thank her. She says her affair with David helped their marriage.

"It's made them stronger. They even went on to have another kid. Everything happens for a reason, even bad things." "I think their marriage is stronger than ever and it's like Victoria says, it's bad things like the affair that have made it stronger. Victoria's stuck by David and that's the main thing."

No, you dumb whore, that is not the main thing. The main thing is that you should jump off a cliff and die...I say that about every "other" woman. Guys are dumb (no offence) and it takes a really special one to have some self-control. If every gal was like you and every guy was like David...well, then every normal woman would be screwed.