SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Paris Hilton, the "star" of the "movie" (snicker) The Hottie and the Nottie has reportedly not been invited to the upcoming 80th Academy Awards, because of said movie. Now Magazine claims that the organizers felt that the universally panned movie tarnished the reputation of cinema. This news comes following reports that Hilton had already splashed out on a £2m outfit by Russian designer Kira Plastinina for the event on 24 February. A source tells the Daily Star,

'She cried when she was banned, She's desperate to be taken seriously as an actress and hoped she'd be able to network'

Aah! The sweet stench of failure... I know you can't really smell it on Paris due to the stink of numerous STD's, but if you take a deep enough whiff (And somehow don't manage to die due to the sudden attack on your nasal cavity), I think you can get a hint of it right after the herpes smell and just before the hepatitis. ... On second thought, it's probably a lot better if you don't smell it.

See what I did there? It's an article about dogs and I used the term more commonly associated with old hags! God... I'm humourous. Back to the article. Paris Hilton is reportedly under investigation by the Los Angeles Department of Animal Services after she announced live on TV that she owns 17 pooches (Legally you're only allowed three per address). She said on The Ellen Degeneres show,

"I have 17 dogs — lots, They all sleep in my bed - well, not all of them, but I let some of them." "They keep having babies, and I feel bad about giving them away."

When DeGeneres asked Hilton why she didn't just get the dogs neutered, she said that they all now were "fixed," but later added, "well, two of them weren't." ... So dogs are "fixed" when you cut off their penis? I wish I could have a chance to "fix" Paris Hilton. It would be a high point in my life. Sure it would be a dangerous mission, delving into those diseased caves but I think my life would be a small price to pay if I insured that there would never be any of Paris Hilton's spawn polluting the earth with their wonky eyes and evil smiles. Ave! NOTE: I know millions of dogs are euthanized every month because they weren't "fixed". Stop emailing me! It's not like I killed your mum (Except you Bobby, I in fact did kill your mum... I'm still very sorry. Please stop sending hitmen).

kinda'... I mean... It could happen. Paris Hilton, the "star" of "poke my eye out" reality shows like The Simple Life (Did anyone think, The life of Simpletons, would have been a more appropriate title?) and One night in Paris, was set to travel to Rwanda on a "humanitarian mission" (Read: to film another crap reality show). However the visit, is now delayed due to some technicalities by the people in charge of the trip, This statement was issued to People Magazine,

"Due to the restructuring of the Playing for Good Foundation, the philanthropic trip to Rwanda that the foundation had previously planned with Paris Hilton has been postponed." "Paris has been a loyal and gracious supporter of Playing For Good but the foundation has to regrettably reschedule this trip. Playing for Good would like to thank Ms. Hilton for her generosity and her continued support of this initiative and is looking forward to rescheduling the trip with her at a later time."

I'd guess E! probably couldn't find ten camera men ready to go to such a dangerous location... I mean... hanging out with Paris Hilton must be terrifying. I hear the camera men on The Simple Life all won medals for bravery... The one that made it, that is. Five are in a psychiatric care... One is in a mental home. That's what I heard.

Paris Hilton has reportedly decided that she will be cryogenically frozen following her death, so that she can be resurrected in the future... y'know... when they figure stuff like that out. News.com reports,

The hotel heiress is keen to live forever and has invested a large sum of money in the world's biggest suspended animation cemetery, Cryonics Institute. She wants her body to be preserved and then brought back to life, along with her favourite pets, including her famous Chihuahua Tinkerbell and new mutt, Yorkshire Terrier Cinderella. The Simple Life star said: "It's so cool. Almost all the cells in the body are still alive when death is pronounced. "And if you're immediately cooled, you can be perfectly preserved. "My life could be extended by hundreds and thousands of years."

That's classic. These guys took money off Paris Hilton so that they can stick her in a freezer... Or not. Who's going to check up on them? They'll probably throw her out a week after freezing her. Than they'll go back to sipping Martini's on the veranda of the mansion that was bought with Hilton's donated fortune. I guess they might have some problems in hell (Or heaven) when they run into Hilton. But I guess they'll cross that bridge when they come to it.

Paris Hilton says she has found a flaw in her perfect existence that left her felling empty inside. Paris says,

"Before, my life was about having fun, going to parties -- it was a fantasy. But when I had time to reflect, I felt empty inside. I want to leave a mark on the world."

Luckily she'll get a chance to leave her mark on the world (Along with the worst porno ever of course) when she goes to Rwanda to help the sick and starving children. You know so she can highlight their plight. Except... wait. She's using the trip to highlight... Paris Hilton! Shocking! Hilton says (regarding the film crew that will be following her),

"I love having everything documented. It shows people what everyday life is like for me, how hard I work."

Has there ever been a more self absorbed cow than Paris Hilton? I really can't imagine it. I'd assume it'd be sucked up in the vortex of it's own absorption. Hilton is borderline. Hopefully one or two more days is all it will take.

Paris has been on a low-ebb for a while. Not much news about her, which is frankly a relief. But Paris Hilton won't let the world forget about her and since she has no news of her own, she will tell you other people's news. Christina Aguilera has not admitted that she's pregnant, despite being seen with a bump and her shopping sprees that involve blue-themed baby cloths and accessories. But Paris outed her recently at a night-club when she screamed that Christina was "most beautiful pregnant woman in the world". Christina responded by burying her face in her husband's chest. Awww, she's shy!

Paris Hilton, the "star" of The Simple Life and House of Wax, seems to have not had enough attention today (What with Britney's "Save the Whale" act at the VMA's) so she decided to reveal what everyone has known for months... Christina Aguilera is pregnant! US Magazine says,

“Congratulations to the most beautiful pregnant woman in the world, you're gorgeous,” Hilton, 26, said to the packed crowd, while Aguilera, 26 (whose video ‘Candy Man’ is up for Best Director at the MTV VMAs) sat nearby in uncomfortable silence.

That's what you get for telling Paris Hilton anything. You're secrets would be better kept if you decided to write it a 1000 times on a 1000 different pieces of paper and stood on a street corner handing them out. However I think the real question is... How the hell did Jordan Bratman get close enough to Christina to impregnate her... Surely they can't have done it the normal way... Maybe she was sleeping... But they usually wake up when I try that... Maybe he's really small... Yeah... That must be it...

Now I'll give you a second to get over the fact, that it's not true... It was a misleading headline... Exactly like they had on Now's website. Now you too can experience the crushing disappointment I felt after I feverishly clicked at the headline. ... Done? Paris Hilton is set to star in a production on London's West End, entitled Prisoner Cell Block H: The Musical. The 23 year old is set to play a dyke in the stage version of the Australian cult show. A source says,

'Everyone is very excited. Paris is a major coup,' 'The casting agents didn't even think she'd try out but she swotted up with DVDs of the original show that she had flown in especially. 'She absolutely loved it.' 'Paris is keen to stretch herself as an actress so she's happy to kiss another girl for the audience and actually thinks it'll be fun to play a lesbian,' 'She'll also get to stretch her vocal chords and she loves that.'

Good news people... You don't even have to wait for the show to release... I'll give you a review now! It sucks! It sucks worst than being adopted by kinky, horny, homosexual Grizzly Bears. The fact that they considered the signing of Paris Hilton a "coup" tells you all you need to know about the "show". I'd rather spend my time trying to extract the jelly from my eyeballs to spread on my toast. A penny for your thoughts? (Except I won't really give you a penny... I'm greedy)

Paris Hilton has managed to sell her home to a Texas couple, despite getting around $600 000, less than what she wanted. Hilton wanted to sell the mansion for around $4.2 million Dollars, but the highest appraisal she recieved was closer to $3.6 million Dollars, which included some of her furniture. The Texan couple are set to move into the house next week. ... That Texan couple should shoot themselves now. They just made Paris Hilton, 3.6 million Dollars richer. I suppose their taking a week to move in, because they want to disinfect the house... but in all honesty, I can tell them that there's only one way to disinfect something that touched Paris Hilton. Douse it in petrol and set it alight. Sure the house won't be as valuable afterwards... but the world will be safer place... Or will it? Dun Dun Dun!!!

Actress, Elisha Cuthbert has reportedly broken up with former boyfriend and hockey player, Sean Avery. Sources close to the couple say that it was the Girl Next Door hottie that initiated the breakup. It seems however that Avery refuses to be down about the whole incident and was seen flirting with Paris Hilton. A source says,

“When you asked Sean where was Elisha was he shrugged his shoulders and said they had broken up.”

Wow. Rough trade. One day you're bonking Elisha Cuthbert and the next you're looking at a hundred different types of herpies. Although, I couldn't really care less. This just opens up my chance to make a move on Ms. Cuthbert. Hopefully this time she won't call the police.