SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Victoria Secret model, Miranda Kerr has allegedy broken up with short-term boyfriend Legolas son of Thranduil Orlando Bloom. That is not shocking in itself. Well... it is... because... who the hell breaks up with Legolas? He's awesome!

... So I guess that in itself is quite shocking. But the really shocking thing is that she broke up with Legolas so that she could hook up with... wait for it... wait for it... wait for it... wa- BRANDON DAVIS! (See what I did there?)

Yes, the same Brandon Davis that invented the word "firecrotch". The same Brandon Davis that was an STD repository for both Paris Hilton and Mischa Barton. The same Brandon Davis that made sure that solved the problem of world oil shortages due to his fantastic oil bearing glands. The same Brandon Davis that has been disinherited by his Billionaire grandfather (How stupid do you have to be, to be disinherited by your Billionaire grandfather? If I had a Billionaire grandfather I'd make sure that I never made him mad. I'd spend the entire time curled up at his feet, getting up from time to time to hump his leg. Than when he'd die, I'd let out a fearful howl before taking my share of the billions and heading out into the night a strip club). That Brandon Davis.

I think it's clear what's happening. The CIA has finally managed to invent mind-control devices and are trying them out on supermodels as they possess the lowest brain frequencies. The cads!

... Or Miranda Kerr's a gold digger. A really bad one though.

Not literally though... Or then he'd be the Prince of Iran... and so Bush would be obliged to "take him out". Anyway, Mr. Bloom has beat out competition to snag the choice $40 million role, based on the video game about an awesome prince that saves the world. Sure Harry went to Iraq, but can he be an ambidextrous sword wielder and crawl on walls? I think not. Page Six reports,

He won the contract against stiff competition from Zac Efron and David K. Zandi. The movie is to be produced by Jerry Bruckheimer Films, and directed by Mike Newell.

Zac Efron and David Zandi? Stiff competition? From the guy in High School Musical that "Wants to dance" and is "Breaking Free" and the guy that played an Alien in the shit Men in Black Movie? Sure. So... How did they audition? Or did they just have a chat over tea and crumpets before giggling at each other and screeching, "You're it". Trust Disney to ruin the awesomeness that was Prince of Persia. ... Actually despite Orlando Bloom the movie will still be awesome. He's like a brown Spiderman. Without Kirsten Dunst. And with muscles. Awesome.

(Along with Dame Helen Mirren) When the Birits were asked which actor and actress aged the best, it was an (almost) clean sweep for both the winners. George Clooney, was chosen by 32% of the populace as the best vintage, while Dame Helen Mirren outshone even him, with a vote of 34%. When asked as to who is the most talented upcoming actor and actress, the Brits packed their voting power behind the indigenous people of the Isles, Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley (38% and 40% respectively). After this however the list seemed to go off into farce, as names like Jessica Alba and Mischa Barton popped up (6% and 1% by the way). You know how the Brits always try and act smarter than the Yanks? Well this poll truly shows that they're not the sharpest tools in the shed either... The fact that Jessica Alba made it onto a list that contains the word "talent" speaks volumes. Unless "talent" is followed by "... in taking of her clothes and showing off her great ass... I'd tap that... Yeah!"

Here's me again, I told you I'd be back...you didn't believe me, but I have returned! Orlando Bloom, the hottie that he is, has blamed Hollywood for the breakup between him and ex-girlfriend Kate Bosworth, but he insists that they still get together for casual make-outs...um, I mean, they're still good friends.

"We're still very good friends. But there's been no denying that it had been a difficult year for us both. "Kate was on one side of the world, in Australia shooting Superman, and I was on the other, in the Bahamas for Pirates. So we tried giving each other a little bit of time out. And well, there were difficulties. There are in any relationship. "In our case, it was extremely unfortunate that everything was on public display. I have always tried to keep my cards close to my chest - while wearing my heart on my sleeve - but it is a really hard thing to do."

Um, I'm sorry Orlando. If you want privacy, I'm here...just joking...except I'm not really.

Boohoo! It isn’t fair! Why are all the good guys being snapped up and the rest of us are left with the crap who stand you up…seriously, is it that hard to call someone and tell then you’re not pitching up? God, I hate guys…no wonder some women prefer to be lesbians. But I still love Johnny…and Orlando…and Brad…aw man, so many guys, so little time. So Pirates of the Caribbean star Johnny Depp is now rumoured to be getting married to long-time girlfriend Vanessa Paradis this summer. The illness of their daughter, Lily-Rose is the factor that forced some action out of them, even though they contemplated the idea of marriage for a while. You know what? I can’t make fun of them…Johnny Depp sounds like a really nice guy who cares about his family so much. Wish you all the best Johnny.

That could be you girls! Or it could be me...I wish it was me! Pirates of the Carribean Hottie Orlando Bloom is apparently tired of the single life and wants to settle down, get married and have kids -swoon-. I'm gonna go into girly, giggly mode here...but he is just SOOO hot!

"Things have changed. I'm incredibly lucky to be doing the job I do, but everything else has begun to pall - the jet-setting, the nightclubs, the bachelor lifestyle; now I need some permanence and stability. I feel it's about time I settled down. "I'd like to live a proper family life - with a partner and kids. That's what it's all about, isn't it? I've had a crazy life in many ways, and I realise now that I want someone to share it with."

Oh...excuse me, I just fainted from the rush of blood to my head. Please marry me Orlando!