SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Hey Everyone…In case you didn’t notice that someone else was writing my blogs, I’m not very happy to announce that I’m back! Fortunately, I got lucky today and one of our feature writers sent me some stuff that looks better here. So thanks Shants.

Lionel Ritchie recently performed at the wedding of John Terry over the weekend…yes the England captain is married and officially being shagged by just one woman. Lionel was reportedly paid 250 thousand pounds to perform, just imagine Nicole Ritchie’s dad performing at your wedding…how romantic right? Apparently not, he was made an arse off by the guests of the wedding.

He was evidently so boring that some of the audience members (those rude English people, treating that poor American so badly…LOL!) started singing along with Lionel. You might think, how sweet they actually knew the song, but that was so not the case, they were mimicking him, teasing at him. They were so persistent to show off their voices that Lionel had to eventually ask them to bear with him and that he only had two more songs to sing. How rude?! The man is a legend, not only did he make a name for himself as one of the best musicians in history but he is the dad of the girl that drove around on the wrong side of the road without her panties. I guess the English don’t have appreciation for a man that has such a feisty daughter.

-Lashanta Singh-

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Pseudo-celeb, Nicole Richie, fueled pregnancy rumours, after she reportedly turned down an alcoholic drink at alcohol at the YSL Center Dance Arts party at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Although some might say this is her trying to avoid the same fate that befell her on-off friend, Paris Hilton, this should quell down that theory.

I too turn down all alcoholic drinks as a matter of principle. Not because I’m pregnant, but because I’m so frickin’ hot. Doctors warn me that if even a drop of alcohol touches my lips, I risk spontaneous combustion.

My Priest also says that to me… except he says that if a drop of alcohol touches my lips I’ll burn FOREVER!!!

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Nicole Richie may or may not be pregnant, in all likelihood she probably is, because she is the only person mean enough to bring a baby into the world just to avoid going to jail…and making another statistic of unwed mothers and a child with a serious psychotic disorder.

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Lindsay Lohan’s bodyguard is coming out to tell the story of being the minder of Hollywood’s most messed up child stars. Lee Weaver is writing a book about being the bodyguard of famous celebrities, though Lindsay was the most violent and scary that he had to protect.

He was quoted in News of the World:

“She had a total death wish and took more drugs and drank more than anyone I’ve met.

“I lost count of the times I thought she was overdosing and had to carry her out of parties. Every morning I’d breathe a sigh of relief she was still alive.”

“Nobody was as wild as Lindsay. But Nicole came close. Sometimes Paris Hilton would be there but the most I saw her do was drink and strip.

“One night Lindsay and Nicole were making trip after trip to the bathroom she wouldn’t snort in front of me because she knew I’d get mad.

“But the more wasted they got the less she cared. In the end they carried in a mirror from the bedroom, laid it on the coffee table and emptied a mountain of coke onto it. They went at the stuff with straws, hoovering it all up then piling more on.

“I tried to tell Lindsay to stop but she just told me it was cool.”

Weaver says Lohan “seemed such a fun-loving, angelic girl” when she was sober.

“But under the influence of drugs she was psychotic,” he adds.

Disturbing, but we all knew the truth was gonna come out sometime. Lee eventually left the job because it was too dangerous to work for Lindsay. I don’t blame him, I’d rather work for a paranoid schizophrenic with an AK-47 and 10 pet lions than work for Lindsay.

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Seriously, that’s so not fair! I’m a perfect driver and they still won’t give me a license. And No, this has nothing to do with the fact I clipped a biker and he went flying. I was giving the indicator! It’s not my fault he’s blind!

People (who can’t be bothered to cure cancer and just sit around wondering why Nicole’s license wasn’t suspended when Paris’s was) have now found the answer to that crucial riddle. Even though Nicole was pulled over for a DUI, it didn’t involve alcohol (she was high on pot) and so, her license wasn’t automatically suspended but she might lose it after appearing in court, since it was her 2nd DUI in four years and she just looks stupid…it makes you want to punish her.

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Nicole Richie has been rumoured to be back in rehab for drug addiction but her representatives are furiously denying these rumours…while Nicole wipes white powder off her nose, ok, joking, about the white powder I mean. Everyone knows that Nicole’s drug of choice is heroin.

Richie’s spokespersons were reacting to reports published in The National Enquirer and US magazine Star which suggested that she had entered rehab on 11 May to cope with anorexia and her dependence on painkillers.

“She is not in rehab, she is at home in Glendale. Sobriety is an ongoing process but she is sober,” Richie’s rep Nicole Perna told E! News.

I’m not exactly sure what’s wrong with Nicole, whether she’s anorexic, bulimic, a drug-addict, and alcoholic or what, but she clearly has problems. Maybe it’s because she looks like some kind of marsupial and not a cute one either. You don’t like me saying that? Talk to my spokesperson! But since he’s a 3 foot hairy teddy who sleeps on my bed, good luck with that.

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You know, I hadn’t heard anything about Nicole Richie for a while now…I though she had died of starvation or something. But people who die from anorexia do not cry when their boyfriend dumps them…the just go POOF and disappear in a cloud of dust.

Apparently, Nicole is alive and kicking and appears again after being dumped by boyfriend Joel Madden of Good Charlotte when he declared her as too clingy and dumped her at the MTV Movie Awards after-party.

A source told the Daily Star: “Joel was acting like a single man at the awards party and they openly argued. Nicole was in tears at one stage.”

I don’t know whether to feel sorry for her or laugh…I think I’ll laugh. Hehe…he? It’s just not funny enough. I give up, I’m going to sleep. Sweet dreams people.

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As if they aren’t happy enough being the most annoying, spoilt brats in Hollywood, the unholy two-some are here to bless us with another season of “The Simple Life”. I’m afraid I really will rip off my arm and start whacking the TV with it if I have to hear Paris Hilton say “It’s hot” one more time.

The two ladies, seem to have put their differences aside for the greater good…the greater good being small tops and smaller brains, which entertain and self-actualize audiences all over the world, because even a 3-legged hermaphrodite with a harelip suffering from elephantiasis and B.O will feel good about himself/herself after watching these dumb chicks. So maybe they have a purpose in the world after all…

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That’s how far they’ll go to make Nicole Richie eat. You ask, who are the mysterious ‘They’…They are the men in black, the New Zealand cricket team, who were the only team in the opening ceremony to have any kind of fashion sense…Ok, I’m rambling here, sorry, I have to lay of those smarties.

Nicole Richie and boyfriend of 3-months Joel Madden have reportedly decided to tie the knot (which I’m sure won’t be amusing Hilary Duff). Lionel Richie, Nicole’s adopted father has approved of Joel, especially since he’s been watching for Nicole’s weight…isn’t that sweet? He doesn’t want his girlfriend to get too fat…What? You mean he wants her to put on weight? What the heck kind of a boyfriend is that? My ex-online boyfriend was better than that, he loved me just the way I am, and there was nothing possessive about him not letting me chat to other boys online, that’s called L-U-R-V-E…it’s so sad I had to delete his ass when he wanted me to put out. Cyber-sex is so not kewl girls, so don’t do it until you’re married.

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Seriously, I’m too lazy to paraphrase this, but ContactMusic reports:

HILARY DUFF is set to lash out at her GOOD CHARLOTTE rocker ex-boyfriend JOEL MADDEN and his girlfriend NICOLE RICHIE on her new album. The 19-year-old’s upcoming album, DIGNITY, is due out next month (APR07) and appears to touch on her feelings about her failed romance with Madden and his rebound relationship with Richie. The title track features lyrics including, “Where’s you dignity? I think you lost it in the Hollywood Hills. Can’t buy respect, but you can pick up that bill.” The barbed song goes on, “Always with Mr Right, but when you have a fight/Run into your friend’s ex, he’s happy to be your next/Tomorrow’s paper’s coming out so kiss him fast, watch the cameras flash.” Other tracks include GYPSY WOMAN and STRANGER, both of which seem to be aimed directly at Richie. Duff’s spokeswoman has confirmed some of the songs are about Madden and Richie. She tells RadarOnline.com, “She (Duff) has gone through a lot.” Meanwhile, another song on the new album, DREAMER, focuses on Duff’s problems with “a pair of Russian stalkers”.

Now lets talk about how sad Hilary is. I hate to have to do this, because she really is sweet and I think she’s the best from Hollywood girls her age, but that isn’t really saying much, because a 3-legged hermaphrodite called Porky with odour problems is better than those gals.

What else can I say? Hilary, you were too good for Joel, now get over it. If you don’t, I’ll start listening to Lindsay Lohan, and you wouldn’t want that, would you?

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