SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Which might make him the only person in the world who genuinely cares about Lindsay Lohan, excluding family. Wait, no, including family.

Johnny Depp feels sorry for the messed up starlet and he and longtime girlfriend Vanessa Paradis have offered her their private island to get away from the media and such. The island, appropriately called "F*** off Island" is located somewhere in the caribbean. He invited her after meeting her backstage at the recent MTV Movie Awards.

A source reports,

"Johnny realises the pressures of fame and can see Lindsay could do with a break."

A break from what? Churning out flop films after another? Partying until all hours? While I think that the gesture was very nice, there are more needy people in the world. Like the Somalians...or the Sudanese...or me. I mean, c'mon, bitter little blogger, doesn't that bring tears to your eyes?

This reminds me of that South Park episode when Tom Cruise, John Travolta and R kelly were inthe closet and refused to come out. Someone better chuck Lindsay Lohan in there as well.

I mean, it's so not obvious when Lindsay walks around hand in hand with "gal pal" Samantha Ronson. All girls make out with their best friends and tell their mommies that they're going to marry them. It's just innocent childhood fantasies. Why won't anyone let Lindsay Lohan enjoy her childhood?!?

OK! magazine are so sad. Trying to force an innocent girl like Lindsay to come out with a stupid secret that she's a lesbian. She's so not! Just because she's an affectionate person doesn't mean you offer her $1 million to come out with a story that isn't even true.

These tabloids disgust me, I can't believe how low they'd sink, Lindsay is a clean-living, simple and pure vestal virgin!

After initially saying that her daughter (better known to her as the Freaky Friday star/ the chick who pays my bills) Lindsay Lohan was strictly into penises, Dina Lohan has changed her tune saying,

"If she's happy, I'm happy. That's all I'll say. Samantha's great. I've known her and her family for ten years."

Don't you hate it when people say, "That's all I'll say" and than proceed to carry on yapping like those annoying chihuahuas? ... Why does anyone even care what Lindsay's old-ass mother has to say? I mean... is she socially relevant in any way? Apart from as an example for "Don't be friends with your kids parenting" way? It's not like she could even say that Lindsay has bad company. It's either a drugged out DJ or... hang out with mum. Lindsay never stood a chance, did she?

Lindsay Lohan is set to start filming for her new film, Indie flick Florence, in which she's (obviously) required to flash her boobs (I mean... If chicks didn't flash their boobs in Indie Movies, who'd watch them?). However Lindsay, who's being paid a meager $75000 for the part, was willing to bare it all for the camera's. An offer the director respectfully declined... probably because him and the producer have seen it already. Zing! Did you see what I did there? I exposed Hollywood's seedy underbelly while calling Lindsay Lohan a whore! I'm awesome! Softpedia reports,

"She just wants to remind people that she can act and she’s worth hiring." Also, the source reports that although the script only requires LiLo to show her boobs, she offered to go all the way down and strip completely. "She said it would be no problem to go Full Monty," added the insider. Thankfully, the producers refused to go along with her very helpful offer.

You know... It's somewhat sad yet strangely amusing to watch Lindsay Lohan's slow yet inevitable descent to a Hooters waitress. It's not like Britney, who was so rich, that no matter what she did (or how much she ate) she'd still be able to buy a new McDonald's everyday. This was a once promising actress that once received a 7.5 million Dollar paycheck... and proceeded to blow it all away on crack. That makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. (Yes, I'm a terrible person. I take pride in watching other people fall down to my level. Don't you have a self help book to read?)

Paris Hilton has shockingly come out top of a poll conducted to guage the "Most Overexposed Celebrity in America". The poll was conducted by E-Poll Market Research and reported by Forbes. Hilton beat out competition from Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. The always drunk trio pushed the once famous Pamela Anderson into fourth place. Forbes explains the poll, thus (Using Pamela Anderson as an example),

“Without the acting career she hoped would take off. It’s her tabloid presence care of multiple marriages (and divorces) and provocative ways that continues to open doors for her celebrity,”

Did they even need to make a poll for this? You could've just asked me and I would've given you the answer... as would any person who picks up a newspaper tabloid from time to time. Paris Hilton doesn't even have a career. She was once a shit pornstar with a wonky eye, and now she's not even that. Now she's just a weird looking chick with a wonky eye. Note: Yesterday's post was an April Fool's joke! Ha!... anyone? Hello?!!!... I sometimes think these jokes would work better if people were actually reading my blog.

Did you notice that every other blog was updating over the Easter weekend? What a bunch of heathens! Can't they take some time out to appreciate the fact that Jesus died this weekend? Like I did? Admittedly it would probably be much more believable if I were a Christian... But instead I just look lazy. In my mind however, I look like someone who respects all religions... My next holiday will be Eid. Shweet. Anyway. If anyone missed it, there was a big furore over the last couple of days due to a grainy porn video that allegedly showed Lindsay Lohan doing what she does at auditions. And not acting... If you get my drift. And if you don't get my drift you should probably crawl into a corner and quietly slash your wrists. Or stop reading celebrity gossip. Or read lots of SoggyCornflakes so you can start getting my drift. Whatever. The problem was that the slut in the video wasn't Lindsay Lohan. Just another no name porn star... However the Sun didn't get the memo and released a story in which they say Lindsay Lohan blasted her ex boyfriend Calum Best for releasing the video. The Sun says that Lindsay said to Calum Best,

"I can't believe you would ever f***ing do this to me, I should have listened to everyone," "I should never have f***ing trusted you," "It's everywhere now, all over the net, everyone's seen it, how f***ing could you?"

... Great journalism there. Find a false story and extract another false story from it. And then have an innocent blogger blog about said false story about a false story. What's the world coming to? God, I need my Teddy. And my porn collection. Sometimes when the world gets a little too rough, there's nothing better than watching people have sex. In the long run, you probably end up in hell... Where all the porn stars are! High Five! ... God hates me, doesn't he?

Lindsay Lohan, who enjoyed a great holiday... I meant rehabilitation... at Cirque Lodge recently, before coming back to Hollywood and drinking herself into a stupor to forget said hol - Sorry rehabilitation, told People.com that the only reason she ended up in rehab in the first place was due to a "lack of focus". She says,

"I think it was just situations that I was putting myself in. I was putting myself in the wrong situations and I didn't have the focus in the right place."

Why does she have to try and explain these things? Do people really care? I mean... I don't know about other people... but me? I don't care at all. I'm a bitter, self righteous, friendless, lifeless, dead inside, blogger... I have to be mean... If Lindsay said she went to rehab because a bomber told her he'd bomb America if she didn't... I'd still laugh at her... Hell, If Lindsay saved all the people on the Titanic, invented a cure for AIDS and healed the blind, I'd call her a selfish cow for not doing enough to help the African people... Like Angelina Jolie does... you know... with her rack... I guess she used to help them... Now she's just irritatingly skinny.

Director Eli Roth has vowed to start getting botox treatments after he was rejected by... wait for it... Lindsay Lohan (!!??!!), for being too old. Roth was dining in the Polo Lounge at the Beverley Hills Hotel when Lindsay Lohan and a friend walked past. He completes the story on his blog,

"I was having drinks with a friend at the Beverly Hills Hotel the other night, and Lindsay Lohan walked by our booth with a girlfriend, checking us out. She then went out to the bathroom, turned around, came back and walked by us again, and mumbled to her friend 'too old,' and kept walking. Now - she's absolutely correct - but it was still pretty f***ing hilarious. Especially since we were in the Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel - where the average age is 97. If you look too old in there you're f***ed! Time to hit the Botox. Now I'm in bed with bronchitis from not getting enough sleep last week. Maybe Lindsay's right!"

As you can all tell, this story is obviously a complete fabrication. I mean... Lindsay Lohan turning down sex? With a human? Who's kinda rich? Impossible! Eli Roth probably wants to get Botox treatment and is just using Lindsay's name as a scapegoat. I hate it when people make up lies about the defenseless Lindsay Lohan. Especially such blatant ones. As a blogger who aims to be completely honest with his readers most of the time sometimes from time to time, I bet Lindsay Lohan wasn't even there... She was probably in some 90 year old guys bath room... doing stuff. Gross stuff.

When you thought that you couldn't handle another celebrity sister pairing after the Spears and the Simpsons, along comes Ali Lohan tugging on her sisters coat tails. Ali Lohan is Lindsay's 14 year old sister and is set to take part in a new reality show brokered for her by (who else?) White Oprah. Ali tells Teen Vogue,

"I grew up watching Lindsay, and it made me want to do what she does. Just the whole vibe. Being there, being on camera, or onstage, with everybody listening to you…it's so cool when people look up to you. I've already been asked for my autograph, and it's just a really good feeling to have."

Whoever asked her for her autograph needs to be punched in the face. Really, really hard. Still though, at least we know Ali has a great example to model herself to. She must have been a fan of Tony Robbins with all his "model (copy) someone else and you can achieve the same results they did in one tenth of the time". So... Rehab at 15? I love the Lohan's. They keep me employed. And by employed I mean I blog... and make no money.

Lindsay Lohan is reported to have settled a suit filed by a busboy seeking $200,000 over a 2005 car crash in Beverly Hills. TMZ.com reports,

Raymundo Ortega filed the suit last June, even though the cops said he was to blame for the wreck on Robertson Blvd. Ortega, alleging that a then 19-year-old Lilo was pounding drinks at the Ivy before hopping in her Mercedes-Benz and driving off, had sued for at least $200,000 in damages.

Us Magazine adds,

In December, Lohan stated in court documents that she "did not consume an alcoholic beverage or any type of medication or drug" before the crash.

No wonder she had to settle out of court. Lindsay had absolutely no chance of winning this case. It's a case that would involve Lindsay Lohan having to prove that she was sober at some point in her life... For her to win something like that would be akin to the miraculous OJ Simpson case.