SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Katie Holmes is apparently buckling under the pressure of being a gay dwarfs wife (Note the disclaimer... You can't sue me Tom! I already said it's probably a lie! Ha! You Homosexual midget!). Holmes is said to be suffering from migraines and dizzy spells. Star Magazine reports,

When Katie recently lunched at her favorite restaurant, L.A.'s Joan's on Third, it was obvious that something was terribly wrong. She seemed exhausted, her skin was pale, and she looked feeble and emaciated. "She gave us a weak smile and wave before leaving out the back door," says an eyewitness at the restaurant. Once outside, a confused and unsteady Katie braced herself against the doorframe before her bodyguard carefully guided her into a waiting SUV."

You know what this reminds me of? Rosemary's Baby... apart from the obvious awesomeness that was Rosemary's Baby. I'm not saying that Tom Cruise is the devil or that Suri is the Anti-Christ. I'm just saying we should kill them before they take over the world in their reign of evil.

Katie Holmes is still seemingly suffering from the effects of the mind control drug Tom Cruise supposedly pumped into her in 2005. In a recent interview, Katie Holmes claims that her life with Tom Cruise is a "dream come true" and claims that she could not be happier. She tells the Daily Mail,

Being in heaven was falling in love with Tom and having our daughter. I'm such a lucky woman. Sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming. It was always my dream as a child to marry Tom Cruise!" "We just went on this great date together, and it's been wonderful ever since. He's the most amazing man in the world. I'm so happy. I love him. I feel like he's made my life. "He's just amazing. He's kind, generous, smart, he's Tom Cruise - he's the most artistic man I've ever met. He makes me laugh like I've never laughed. He's made me feel joy like I never have before. There are so many things. He's the most wonderful human being I know."

There are just so many things wrong with this... But I think the highlighted portion of the quote is all that we need. It's all that we need.

Katie Holmes said that she’s eager to continue being the testing lab mother of Tom Cruise’s sperm. The 28 year old said she’s eager to add to their test subjects family in the future, but she is currently occupied with Suri. Holmes says,

"I'd love to have more children. But I'm in no particular rush. We're enjoying our time right now." "Nowadays, Suri is talking up a storm. She loves coloring and creating. She's a great mimic and dancer."

She also lied about her first meeting with Tom Cruise saying,

"We met in a work meeting and my God, whew, whew." "It happened in an instant. When you fall in love, it's as if time stops. It's all-encompassing."

I’m pretty sure she’s lying. Most one year olds can barely stumble across the room, but here’s Tom Cruise’s kid dancing it up… and miming… and colouring… and creating… Also… about her “love at first sight” with Tom Cruise… Yes… I believe that. I'm a big believer in love at first sight... especially when it's with a midget that follows a crazy cult and is your dad's age … it’s every girls dream right? To fall in love with a midget, that’s their father’s age? And then to do it with them? and have kids? Aaah... Who needs Barbara Cartland when we have Katie Holmes to warm the cockles of our cold dead hearts?

David Beckham and his wife, have decided to start an intensive new beauty regime to protect their skin from the intensive Los Angeles sun. The couple - who moved to the US last month following David's move to soccer team Los Angeles Galaxy - have been covering their bodies in an expensive French face cream, recommended to them by close friend Katie Holmes, to prevent premature ageing. A source tells the Daily Mail,

"They sometimes do it together when they have spare time. Both of them keep talking about the intense heat in Los Angeles and how it is different from the Spanish sun they are used to from their time in Madrid. David and Victoria are both very concerned about their skin ageing." "David smiles in front of the mirror to examine how many lines it brings up. He wants to reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. He is willing to use bucketloads of the cream if it helps."

There're so many things to make fun of in this post... I don't know where to begin... OK... one by one... Firstly... They take advice on anti-aging cream from Katie Holmes?! The 29 year old that looks like this? I'm not saying she looks old... I'm just saying I'd rather offer her a wheel chair than a make out session. Secondly,when you look like Posh Spice, looking old is the least of your worries. Rather, she needs to find some cream that makes her look less like an alien, in case her new deluded Scientologist friends, mistake her for Xenu. And finally... David... Just tell Posh you're gay... I mean... I'm pretty sure she realised it the 50th time she caught you reading Playgirl, "for the articles".

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were left red-faced after being refused entry to a St. Tropez nightclub on Friday. The pair were turned away from the Byblos Hotel's Caves Du Roi club after being told there was no room for them in the VIP area, where other stars including P. Diddy were already partying. A source at the club says,

"The VIP area was full and the management weren't willing to move the guests already there to make room for Tom. "It wouldn't have been fair - they'd spent a fortune."

Tom and Katie are said to have stormed off, making their way to the VIP Room club where owner Jean Roch immediately gave them their own table. ... I wonder what they have in those VIP area's that make celebs so desperate to eat there... I bet they have unicorns... and candy floss made from the softest clouds... and fruit that tastes like it was plucked from heaven seconds ago... Either that, or the more likely explanation. Celebs are all just stuck up arseholes.

Seriously, if Katie Holmes got pregnant again (What is this? 2 times in 3 years?) then she must be cheating on Tom Cruise. I mean, he couldn't get Nicole Kidman pregnant in all those years, so how did he become so magically fertile? Whatever, I think she just hasn't lost her baby weight yet.

Footballer David Beckham is done with the UK and Europe and has finally arrived in the USA to begin a new life with his wife, Victoria and children. While soccer fans know who the star footballer is, and are looking forward to him playing for the Los Angeles Galaxy in the MLS. Others have no clue who he is. "Who is David Beckham?" asked an 11-year old boy at the airport. Maybe things won't be as starry for the Beckham's in their new country after all. After all, they have Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes as nieghbours...talk about nieghbours from hell. Back at home, Rebecca Loos, the "other" woman who almost destroyed the golden couple has the audacity to say that the Beckham's should thank her. She says her affair with David helped their marriage.

"It's made them stronger. They even went on to have another kid. Everything happens for a reason, even bad things." "I think their marriage is stronger than ever and it's like Victoria says, it's bad things like the affair that have made it stronger. Victoria's stuck by David and that's the main thing."

No, you dumb whore, that is not the main thing. The main thing is that you should jump off a cliff and die...I say that about every "other" woman. Guys are dumb (no offence) and it takes a really special one to have some self-control. If every gal was like you and every guy was like David...well, then every normal woman would be screwed.

Katie Holmes, the poor enslaved actress has been let out of the house by Hubby Tom Cruise. And I thought she was worse off than the Taliban women, but I guess I was wrong. I swear Tom must be controlling her with the Imperius curse (No, I don't read Harry Potter, I just pick things up here and there...NO! I didn't read the book 10 times...I didn't! I didn't! Ok...I did). Katie is back on set working on Mad Money and she's glad to be away from her psycho husband and could-be-a-cute-alien child. Though she is quick to tell us that Suri is growing, walking and saying "mama" and "Lord Xenu rules all". Clever kid.

Nicole Kidman is reportedly a bit miffed that her adopted kids with ex-husband Tom Cruise are getting along well with their new step-mommy Katie Holmes. Well, why wouldn't they get along well? Katie is their age! They probably all sit together and eat ice cream and go the McDonald's and play on the swings. Katie is a great mom! But Nicole's spokesperson says it's utter crap and Nicole didn't even read the stuff about Katie Holmes and the kids. So I guess Nicole's given up on her children? Left them to rot with Lord Xenu and Tom Cruise until they're model children for Scientology? Yeah, I'm right, I know I am, I'm always right.

Jeez, it's like Katie Holmes has become the dumb pigeon that just keeps slamming into the glass window again and again. Even when she's bleeding from the eyes and has serious brain damage, she won't realise that Tom Cruise is a midget Scientologist and there is something seriously wrong with her that she's still with him. And no-one lecture me about love and other nonsense. Katie wants to have another baby with Tom, or that's what's being reported...I think it's another publicity stunt to show that Tom is a "man" (we all know he's not, he's Lord Xenu, seriously) and that Katie is happy with him. The pregnancy rumours are floating around after Tom and Katie turned one of the rooms in their new house into a nursery...for Suri maybe? DUH!!!