SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

In case you’re a Britney Spears fan and you think that ex-boyfriend was the worst thing that ever happened to her, you are more than welcome to go hurt him. Says who? He does.

He recently released a kinda sex tape that’s doing the round of the internet and has subsequently received death threats from Britney fans, and he says,

“I have had many calls about it from all over the world. In light of the constant calls about the sex tape and threats, I’m taking a break from the industry and keeping a low profile.”

Um, he has a role in the industry? Riiiight…(I’m saying that in a Doctor Evil accent, in case I didn’t convey that over the blog).

This isn’t the first time Adnan was threatened, he was stabbed by a fan last year and he has made his feelings clear, he is a moron and is asking for trouble.

“Yes I was injured. This is still being investigated.

“I can’t say much about the cowardly attack other than, a) you better come a lot stronger than that if you want to make a point and b) most will be surprised by those behind it.”

Speaking of another Britney ex, Kevin Federline was recently voted “Dad of the Year” by some LA nightclub…just the fact that it’s a nightclub nomination tells you that the award is not satirical. On the other hand, when Britney is the mom…

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Britney Spears, former pop princess, and evidence of the theory that too much McDonald’s is bad for you, is thought to be mentally unstable by her friends (A select group of 4 people… all paid of course).

One friend told US Weekly magazine:

“It’s not substance abuse - it’s mental!

“Postpartum has always been a problem after giving birth to Sean and Jayden.”

There’s a shock… Who’d have thought Britney Spears is crazy? I mean… she seems so normal. I mean… who doesn’t enjoy flashing their genitalia when they get out of their cars? And who doesn’t like the Neo-Nazi look? And who doesn’t lose their children to an unemployed father whose claim to fame is being a backup dancer?

Shocking!

Note: I think I’ve been over exposed to Britney. I promise that there will be no more posts on Britney on this blog for at least three days. (I hope)

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Britney Spears former assistant yesterday told the press that Britney has devoted a shrine to the greatness that is… Keven Federline… No… you read that right… you can check again if it makes you feel better.

Britney also regularly cried uncontrollably after K.Fed left her.

Kalie Machado (The assistant) says,

Britney kept her wedding dress in a case on the wall in the entrance of her Malibu house. She kept all Kevin’s clothes and she would wander into his wardrobe looking at them. You could say it was a shrine to him. She was incredibly sad and lonely while I was with her. I could tell she desperately wanted him back. She’d burst into tears when he wouldn’t return her calls. She’d cry at night a lot.”

Wow. How amazingly sad. And by sad, I don’t mean boohoo sad. I mean, “I feel like kicking you in your face over and over again” sad.

K.Fed should just take her back. Who else would worship a pathetic unshaven loser, whose only claim to fame is the fact that he managed to release one of the worst albums of all time and knock up two losers (Twice each)?

Oh wait! Don’t forget he was a backup dancer for Britney! I think he was the loser on the far right of the screen… there! There! I think I just saw his arm!

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Britney Spears, was supposedly pregnant at the start of the year reports the ever reliable National Enquirer. The problem was, that no one knew who’s baby it was.

Britney tried to pass it off as K.Fed’s, who basically just laughed at her and called her a whore. Kinda.

A source tells the National Enquirer,

“Kevin knew Britney was with other men and at the same time having sex with him to try to win him back. He told Britney that he couldn’t forgive her.”

In case you were wondering who else she was shagging at the time, it was JRRotem, IsaacCohen, BlakeMcGrath, MarioLopez and KevinFederline… phew… If you say it fast, you don’t feel that dirty.

Still. It shows how far Britney has fallen in the small matter of, what? 3 years?

3 Years ago every guy (The straight ones) would have sold their parents souls to Satan to get into Britney’s pants. Now she can’t even get K.Fed to admit that he stuck his unprotected phallus into her.

I mean… he’s a hobo right?

Hobo’s will admit anything. Like how Jack admitted I was with him the night Lenny died. Isn’t that right, Jack?

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Yesterday Britney Spears (finally) lost custody of her kids to her former husband and all round douchebag Kevin Federline, in the most unsurprising incident since… I can’t think of anything. Meh.

However, to get over the massive shock of losing her kids, Britney went and did what any mother would do. She got a tan.

The Daily Mail reports,

It was business as usual for troubled Britney and the first stop on the singer’s agenda - after surrendering her boys Sean Preston, two, and one-year-old Jayden James to their father Kevin’s bodyguard - was a visit to Epitome, her favourite Bel Air tanning salon. Afterwards she checked in to the Peninsula Hotel. But, as she made her way inside, two photographers got into a fight - which seemed to amuse the giggling singer no end.

Charming.

The only surprise in this whole thing is that K.Fed managed to get the kids. I thought the judge would just have them murdered. Or maybe hand them over to a recovering pedophile with alcohol problems.

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There was a beautiful princess who was dating a kinda-handsome prince. Then one day the evil witch called Twinkies took over her body and turned her into a disgusting mess. Now she can never live happily ever after. The End.

This is based on a true story. My literary genius amazes me sometimes!

So Justin Timberlake does a blast from the past and talks about his past relationship with Britney Spears on Oprah:

“It is funny because we dated each other at a time…wow, I haven’t talked about this for a long time. It’s interesting. We were teenagers, you know,”

“I think that’s basically the best way to describe what happened to us. I think she’s a great person, and I don’t know her as well as I did. What I do know about her is that she has a great heart.”

A great heart meaning that she won’t sell her kids for a Big Mac?

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Now let’s talk about Briteny Spears and what a mess her life is. I like looking down on people…it wouldn’t matter that I was broke, failing and I put on an extra kilo or two…because Britney’s life is always so much worse. That’s what God meant when he said count your blessings, right?

So within a day, Britney has lost her manager and her lawyer, because those guys are clever and they know when to bail before they get sucked into the Britney whirlpool of desperation and despair.

The talent firm that deals with Britney has said:

“We believe Britney is enormously talented, but current circumstances have prevented us from properly doing our job”.

In other words “You suck, but I hear the McDonalds down the road has a vacancy. Don’t screw it up.”

Her attorney says:

“In a lot of attorney-client relationships, there comes a time when some fresh blood is necessary.”

Which means “You suck, you’re losing your kids and I think I’ve taken enough fees from you.”

Also, as Kevin Federline challenges Britney’s mothering, the two will now have to have random drug tests twice a week to see that they’re not drinking or taking anything around their kids and also have to attend parenting classes and Britney is getting a parental coach…who I’m sure will be amused by Britney’s trick of balancing Sean on her head while she does the macarena.

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Of course not. His idea of a job is just having to pitch up somewhere and get paid for it. Actually, not even like that. He just wants to get paid for being alive. Does anyone need something that converts oxygen to carbon dioxide? Because I have your man right here…and my grade 8 science teacher will be so proud to know that I did pay some attention and didn’t spend the whole year torturing the hamster…I mean…playing with it until it died…I mean, I never touched that damn hamster!

Kevin Federline is enjoying his time of infamous sensibility and be the better half of the Spears family and has been offered the one-time part of teen drama One Tree Hill. I’ve never watched that show, except i know the ever-hot but human scumbag Chad Micheal Murray acts in it.

He’ll be playing a rockstar. Finally, Kevin will live out his fantasy of having adoring fans and groupies. I hope the role isn’t too hard for him…I mean, failed rappers totally don’t know how to act like famous rockstars. Good luck man, may the force be on you…and by the force, I mean an out-of-control bus…or Britney Spears. Same difference.

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Britney Spears wants to move there. See what I did there? Britney Spears spreads terror, so when she goes to London: Terrorist Attack! I’m funny… he he

Anyway. Britney Spears is set to move to London after the VMA awards because she desperately wants custody of her children. Britney’s buddy told OK! that she thinks it’s her only chance of keeping the kids and starting afresh.

However a lawyer (From JuicyUK) says,

“You can run, but you can’t hide. If you go to most foreign countries you come under the Hague Convention, which allows parents to seek the return of, or access to, their child. There would be a hearing in London and they would award the father the children.”

It tells you how bad things have got for Britney. She doesn’t stand a chance of keeping her kids from a failed rapper, failed dancer, father of two illegitimate children, who doesn’t have a job and has single-handedly managed to destroy the fantasy of millions of pre-pubescent males by making a hot Britney into what she looks like now.

Tough times.

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The guy that used to be married to Britney Spears, and who is currently seeking custody of their two children was spotted drinking and “grinding” in Las Vegas.

A source tells People magazine,

“He was drinking straight from the vodka and Jagermeister bottles. I didn’t see him with a drink in his hand that much, but he drank out of the bottles a few times.

He was grinding up on a few of the girls. He had a flashlight and was shining it on some of the girls around him. He chain smoking and flashing his gold necklace to DJ Reach. Kevin held up a cigarette lighter when Reach played Jay-Z’s ‘Big Pimpin’.”

What a douche. Seriously I feel sorry for the judge who has to decide which of these two idiot’s get the kids. One is a chain smoking, drug pushing, washed up dancer. The other is… Britney…

Seriously someone should just kill the kids… now.

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