SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

John Mayer posted a rather scathing entry on his blog... ummm... a week ago (Fine, I'm delayed... Contrary to popular opinion I don't spend my whole day on the internet surfing celebrity blogs... I spend my whole day on the internet surfing pornographic material). The entry is supposed to refer to that vacuum of intelligence that is Jessica Simpson. It says,

Dear Ex Lover, Perhaps you didn't understand the last time I told you to stop contacting me, so I'll do my best to spell it out for you. I do not wish to have you in my life anymore. I don't know how much more clear I can be about it. It would serve you best to move on with your life and find someone who can put up with you, because I'm done trying. I hope this is enough closure for you. Goodbye. P.S. If you need me, you know how to find me.

Charming. I, personally, will gladly take Jessica Simpson off his hands as long as she agrees to support me for life... If not for life maybe we can work out a "K-Fed arrangement" i.e she can support me for most of my adult life. Sure she's as dumb as a brick... But what's having to explain a few fart jokes in exchange for a life of luxury and relaxation? So... Ms. Simpson... Call me when Tony Romo dumps you. I'll undertake to explain that joke in the movie when all you heard was "prrrrttt"... Not the rest of the movie though... I'm not that masochistic.

Ukranian’s have become the latest victim of “Simpson-Mania” joining Tony Romo and the hobo on the street who agreed to say “I love Jessica Simpson” for 10 Dollars (He drove a hard bargain… He wanted a 100 but I wore him down with my master negotiating skills… I still think he robbed me though… It’s sounded suspiciously like Jessi Klingon… But I guess drunk people can’t speak that clearly.), Simpson’s latest movie Blonde Ambition scored the number 1 spot in Ukraine beating out the likes of No Country for Old Men and Fools Gold. Conor Bresnan, editor in chief of Box Office Mojo International, told People.

"The former Soviet nations have a sweet tooth for straight-up comedies, When these comedies have big name celebrities like Jessica Simpson's, that's all that's needed to sell the movie. Russian and Ukrainian audiences have an even bigger urge for escapism than Americans. So, films like 'Blonde Ambition' will gross more than 'No Country for Old Men.'"

Escapism? Surely he means pain... vast immeasurable amounts of searing pain as you watch Jessica Simpson miss punch line after punch line before finally everything comes together for our tough working class small town girl, who is ultimately rewarded for raping comedy by getting a man. I obviously didn’t watch it. I was too busy rewatching... Die Hard... Yes... A Die Hard marathon...

In 2005, following the "success" of Newlyweds and Dukes of Hazzard Jessica Simpson did what any self respecting actress whose "career" is about to go in the shitter would do... She made an exercise video for Speedfit! However seeing that it's Jessica Simpson the video obviously sucked and therefore she made her one good decison of the last decade... To not release the video. However it seems Speedfit aren't prepared to allow Jessica Simpson to have a career and are suing her and Papa Joe for a sum close to $10 000 000. Page Six reports,

Speedfit owner Alex Astilean sued Simpson last year for $10 million - and since she's refused to settle, Astilean's now suing her manager dad, Joe, as well. Astilean said, "They are hurting millions of fat people in America."

I'm sure she is. I mean... no fat person can lose weight without the blessings of the star of Employee of the Month and Blonde Ambition. How dare she deprive fat Americans from sitting in front of a TV eating Twinkies while watching a short blonde woman with the IQ of a peanut wearing clothes that they'll never fit in doing exercises that they'll never attempt all the while consoling themselves that they're "making progress" by actually watching the tape. Seriously, how dare she?

Jessica Simpson, professional bimbo and amateur singer/actress, is set to strip naked… to earn the respect of the Hollywood film fraternity. This comes despite the Papa Joes’ repeated requests that she keep her clothes on. A source says,

"Jessica is in the running for a role that, if she gets it, will put her right on the map in terms of acting. "The only hitch is that the script requires a number of quite graphic scenes including a full-frontal nude scene. Jessica is so desperate to land the role and get the industry's respect that she's ready to go against her better judgement, and her family, by agreeing to bare all."

So now, the only requirement that needs to be fulfilled in order to be accepted as a serious actress is the ability to take off clothes? I guess talent, hard work and dedication belong to the fools. Still though… good news for the porn stars. I’m sure Elizabeth Starr must be sitting on her porch waiting for her Oscar… I mean… ummm… I don’t know any porn stars… I don’t watch porn… ever.