SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Jessica Alba says she's tired of being pregnant, because it zaps her of her energy. The Fantastic Four star is carrying the child of her beau, Cash Warren, who happens to be an assistant (i.e. The coffee go to guy... Y'know. He's responsible for getting backup dancers their coffee. Just saying.). Alba says,

"I have to make sure that I'm eating more of the right nutrients and vitamins, but I'm not used to eating this much. "I've had to take time out of the day to eat before I get cranky and rundown and tired. Before I was just like the energizer bunny."

What did she expect? Just because she was born super hot, did she expect God to give her a great pregnancy in which rainbows shoot out of all her holes every day while she smiles and claps, before a ridiculously good looking baby will just pop out of thin air holding a sign that says, "Mum's hot!"? It doesn't work that way Ms. Alba. God was kind to you, but your kid is going to be hideous. He/She has to be right? I know that God doesn't play favorites (Except for all the rich heirs) but surely everyone knows God hates the kids of good looking people? Right? Right?! God I need to see a psychiatrist(s) over my bitterness issues. They seem to complain a lot though.

Jessica Alba has revealed her angst at being called a slut in sixth grade because her mammary glands developed early. In an essay written for Ellyn Spragins' upcoming book, If I'd Known Then, Jessica Alba says she was traumatized after her elementary school principal and a few PTA moms labeled her a slut because she had big boobs. Page Six reports,

The accusation still ricochets...They think I'm a slut?,"...Alba adds: "Boys are awful. They are made of nothing but hormones until they're about 20 or 21...It's fun to have a crush, but don't think it's forever...And use birth control and condoms, please."

How dare she put all of us under 22 males in one box! I'm under 21 and I'm NOT just made of hormones! I also have feelings, dreams and hopes! I also want to have kids one day and look into my childs eyes and - Oops. Sorry. My Bangbros download just finished. Ass Masterpiece people. It's a 28 minute clip of some girl with a great ass, doing it! And by it... I mean it! What was I saying? Ummm... yeah... guys have feelings... blah blah blah... (insert girly talk here)... Ok seeya people!

If having a stupid name and having the privilege to call Jessica Alba his girlfriend weren't reason enough to hate Cash Warren, here's a new one... He apparently inserted an unprotected phallus into Alba's nether region and made her the unwitting carrier of his spawn. Yes people, you read that right... the hot girl from Fantastic Four and Into the Blue (Terrible movie by the way) has been inseminated... by some director's bitch. A source close to Alba said,

"Jessica was really jealous that all her friends were settling down and getting pregnant, so she is thrilled she has joined the club now." "She feels like she is ready to be a mom, and knows she and Cash will make great parents."

Freaking hell... this sucks. Now Cash is a permanant part of her life. It's disgusting. He's like a zit that will never ever go away. I can see why women enjoy having babies once they're married... but what's the rush before than? Someone explain, so my confused soul can rest.

That would be the only way to explain his ridiculous hold over Jessica Alba. Jessica Alba and Cash Warren were spotted shopping at a Malibu store... shopping for baby clothes (dun dun dun). A source told gossip website TMZ.com:

"They seemed really happy to be back together as they shopped. "Jessica was picking out shirts for Cash and holding them up against him. "Then they started sneaking a peek at a pair of very fashionable looking baby shoes."

When asked who the shoes were for, the couple refused to answer and hurriedly rushed to their car (Which was probably paid for by Jessica... What the hell... DEFINITELY paid for by Alba). In case you didn't get it the 50 other times I've said this... I'll say it again. Cash Warren serves coffee on the sets. I bet he even serves coffee to the extras. On the sets no one even knows his name. I've heard he's known as either "Pako" or "That lucky bastard". Jessica Alba makes me feel things. In my pants. That is all.

Jessica Alba's ex-boyfriend, Cash what-sis-name, is reportedly making a move on another Hollywood starlet. Cash was reportedly spotted at Beverly Hills hotel Regent Beverly Wilshire this week, flirting with 'Phantom of the Opera' star Emmy Rossum. A source told the New York Post,

"Cash was eyeing up Emmy across the room. He went and introduced himself and got straight to the point, asking if she was single."

I've heard girls like confidence. I suppose dating Jessica Alba must give you magical super human levels of confidence... Because that's the only way someone like Cash can hit on Hollywood starlets... He's an assistant director for crying out loud! He spends the entire day asking people on set things like, "Can I get you anything?" and "Would you like some more sugar" and "Would you like to kick me in the face, over and over again until someone has to call an ambulance?"... Seriously...

(Along with Dame Helen Mirren) When the Birits were asked which actor and actress aged the best, it was an (almost) clean sweep for both the winners. George Clooney, was chosen by 32% of the populace as the best vintage, while Dame Helen Mirren outshone even him, with a vote of 34%. When asked as to who is the most talented upcoming actor and actress, the Brits packed their voting power behind the indigenous people of the Isles, Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley (38% and 40% respectively). After this however the list seemed to go off into farce, as names like Jessica Alba and Mischa Barton popped up (6% and 1% by the way). You know how the Brits always try and act smarter than the Yanks? Well this poll truly shows that they're not the sharpest tools in the shed either... The fact that Jessica Alba made it onto a list that contains the word "talent" speaks volumes. Unless "talent" is followed by "... in taking of her clothes and showing off her great ass... I'd tap that... Yeah!"

Jessica Alba's former lo-ver Cash Warren was allegedly dumped because he wasn't ready to get married. Jessica wanted to settle down with the man she loved, but Cash was more interested in being her lo-ver. An insider says,

"He wasn't ready for marriage, and Jessica is. It's simple as that. It's kind of cold that the press is saying she was just finished with him, because it isn't like that. Seeing Eva get married made Jessica wistful. That was the reason Jessica seemed to be in a terrible mood in Paris."

Obviously he wasn't going to marry her. What with him being such a stud and all. I mean... chicks dig a guy with money... and this guy makes like $3.50... an hour! That's almost $1500 every month! I hear sometimes when he brings actors their drinks, they even tip him! God, Jessica must be crying into her pillow right now...

Well, I'm back, after a brilliant weekend away...except I wish it wasn't so cold here. When's Summer coming? Jessica Alba insists, despite her slightly kinky role in Sin City, she won't do steamy scenes or get naked on screen. She likes keeping her acting roles clean and is attracted to innocence (hint hint Anne Hathaway).

"I’m attracted to roles that are more innocent...I haven’t done a sex scene and I’ve never done nudity,”

I'm having some trouble working Jessica Alba out. On one side she's going on about how she knows how to manage one-night stands and on the other, she's telling us about how innocent she is.

I thought I'd add another spin to this story... So the guy who made millions of other guys jealous as well as giving them hope that they too could end up with an internationally acclaimed hottie, is single. It's reported that Jessica Alba has broken up with long time boyfriend, Cash Warren. Us Magazine says:

After two-and-a-half years together, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have split. The 26-year-old actress broke up with Warren, a 28-year-old producer, last week over the phone, sources tell Usmagazine.com. Sources tell Us that Alba, who was abroad over the weekend promoting Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, called Warren on July 22 and told him, "I'm not in love with you anymore." Within hours, Alba had dispatched an assistant to the L.A. home they shared to pack up Warren's belongings and move him out.

Harsh but fair. The guys been enjoying Jessica Alba for two and a half years longer than he should have, while I've been using my porn collection for two and a half years longer than I should've been. I mean a January 2005 Playboy can only last so long.

When Jessica Alba was 20 and engaged, her parents were seriously not impressed. They thought she was too young...and it may have had something to do with religion too, except Jess didn't care.

"I don't know (why I got engaged). I was a virgin. He was 12 years older than me. I thought he knew better. My parents weren't happy. They're really religious. They believe God wouldn't allow The Bible to be written if it wasn't what they are supposed to be believe. I'm completely different."

Ummm, I'm not sure if I get the last part. Where in the bible does it say that you can;t marry men 12 years older than you? The bible says alot of things...most of which I have no clue about...but still. God, I have no idea what I'm talking about! I'm off to bed, sweet dreams, and more crap tomorrow, as always.