SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

I miss the good old days of diamonds. Now to express your love, you apparently have to scar yourself for life.

Jennifer Aniston is still trying desperately to prove to the world that she's over Brad Pitt by scrawling random people's names on her body. Ok, I'm kidding but you get the idea, after 2 weeks to 3 months of dating (depending on your source), Jennifer claims that she in desperately in love with boyfriend John Mayer and wants to prove this by getting matching tattoos.

"John had the idea that they should both have a 'J' tattooed in a secret place as that is both their first initial." "Jennifer is really keen on the idea but is going to wait a few months. He said she's in great shape and her skin is like a baby's bottom."

You know, that phrase "Soft as a baby's bottom" just screams of pedophiliac connotations. How do people know how soft a baby's bottom is? Do they go around feeling up every toddler they see? That's just wrong!

Owen Wilson has apparently gotten tired of having sex with the pretty (yet sadly boobless) Kate Hudson and has moved on t pastures... umm... less green, shall we say. Reports from the set of Wilson's new movie, Marley and Me, say that he is having a ball of a time with... wait for it... Jennifer Aniston! Star Reports,

"The hugging didn't end when the cameras stopped rolling," one crew member tells Star. "They were very flirty together, far more than you would expect. In between takes they were hanging onto each other. They are very friendly."

I have a hard time believing this is true. Sure, Kate Hudson's no supermodel... But she's still miles ahead of Jennifer Aniston. And didn't Owen Wilson try and kill himself because Kate Hudson dumped his ass? Perhaps he has a death wish? ...I'm becoming a really good detective of late... Any one else think I should change the sites name to Soggy Sleuths? ... And as I become a better detective the jokes get worse and worse... Sorry readers... I'll try harder tomorrow...

Sheryl Crow has moved to correct rumors that Jennifer Aniston was dumped by Brad Pitt (two and a half years ago... but who's keeping count, right?), when he went off to fornicate and reproduce with Angelina Jolie. Crow says,

“For both of us, the perceived idea is that, in our big relationships, we both got dumped. Believe me, this is not true, Neither one of us has ever gotten dumped. No one ever knows what goes on in relationships. Unfortunately, for some people like Jennifer and me, so much is written about things that you don’t say, and so many emotions are attributed to you that you haven’t had,”

Another friend lend credence to the story, informing that bastion of honesty The National Enquirer that,

“Once Jen saw the writing on the wall, she dumped Brad. She took a cold, hard look at her marriage and realised it was irretrievably broken, She and Brad had vastly different personal agendas and feelings about love, career and having a family.”

Unlike other bloggers, I don't act like Jennifer Aniston is hideously deformed (Although Sheryl Crow definitely is... with that weird transvestite face, and scary spindly legs that look like they were a part of a group... of 8. I'm not saying that Sheryl Crow was born an Arachnid. I'm just throwing the possibility out there.), however like other bloggers (and people) I genuinely believe that she should just move on. I mean... Brad's repopulating the planet due to his (seemingly) frequent unprotected sex with Ms. Jolie, while Jennifer Aniston and her buddies are still going on about what a survivor she is. Jennifer Aniston if you say that Brad dumped you. Fine. If you say that you sleep better at night without the guy from Fight Club next to you. Fine. If you say that Angelina Jolie mentally raped Brad Pitt with voodoo torture before she stole him away from you. fine. Can you and your buds please shut up now? I'm tired of reporting a celebrity divorce case that happened almost three years ago. It makes me remember better days.

According to OK! Magazine George Clooney and Brad Pitt are best buds. Also according to OK! Magazine, Jennifer Aniston still holds plenty of hostility for anything related to Brad Pitt. OK! Magazine says,

The handsome Michael Clayton star - who just happens to be best buds with Jen's ex Brad Pitt - sauntered up to the actress at last Saturday's Night Before gala in Beverly Hills, where she was busy chatting with BFF Courteney Cox, David Arquette, Orlando Bloom, Robert Downey Jr. and his wife, Susan, outside of Bar Nineteen12. "George attempted to be friendly, but Jen wasn't having it," one eyewitness tells OK!. "After enduring a few minutes of the actor's presence, Jen turned on her heels and made a beeline for the Sunset Ballroom, where most of the guests were mingling."

I think Jennifer is regretting the fact that she didn't have a threesome with Msrs. Pitt and Clooney when she had the chance... I mean... They're so pretty! I'd go gay for them! ... Actually I wouldn't... Because that would be kinda' gay. Why is it that when a girl says she'd go bi for some celeb all the males get erections, but when a guy does it it's all, "You're gay" and "I'll buy you lube" and "C'mon over to my house, matey"? Guys don't appreciate the masculine form... and neither do I... Obviously.

Ummm... Kinda. Reports say that former Friends star, Jennifer Aniston, had her eggs frozen so she could forget about her ticking biological clock and concentrate on finding a man. Apparently Jen's buddy Sheryl Crow told her to adopt a child, but Aniston was desperate for one of her own. A Source says,

“It was a really smart move, because it buys (Jen) a few years to figure it all out. The pressure has lifted. “(Jen’s) absolutely doing the right thing. She’s giving herself a big break from the intense pressure to find Mr. Right and have kids. She’s in a good place now.”

I wonder... Did she consider the fact that her age is not the only hurdle in her having kids. I mean, first she has to find a guy that's around her age and wants kids (Good luck with that), and then... Well than she'll (probably) have kids... but it will be quite embarassing for her when she's dropping of her kid in grade 1 and his/her friends ask, "Is that you're grandma?". It will be even worse when she's driving home from school and she's mugged by a gang who take pleasure in mugging little old ladies. And it'll be even worse when menopause kicks in. And even worse when she dies. And a lot worse when God asks her, "Weren't you that whiny b*tch from Friends?"

Brad Pitts jilted lover, Jennifer Aniston, headed off to her high school reunion yesterday where she met up with the Rudolf Steiner School class of '87. Aniston had been coincidentally voted "most likely to grace a magazine cover" by her classmates when she graduated. A source says,

"Jennifer was really happy to see everybody. She didn't play the star and was genuinely interested in finding out how everyone else's lives had turned out."

What a b****! I hate these things. It's just an opportunity for successful people to show off, and an opportunity for failures to lie. I mean... I think I'd kill someone if I went to mine... maybe 18 years from now. I can just Imagine myself going there and saying to the dumbest kid in the school, "Hey man! How'd it turn out for you? Still working at the chip shop?" and he'd be all, "Nah man, turns out I had (add psychological disorder here), so after it was treated things started to go really well for me... I just sold my company to Google, that Larry Page is a cool guy... I'm set to play a round of golf with him after this actually. My supermodel wife will be a bit pissed, but who cares what she thinks, right? I'm the man of the house. If things get bad I'll just kick her out ... Sure she'd probably trash the house before she leaves, but I can afford to replace everything, what with me being debt free and all. Maybe I'll just go do a Robinson Crusoe on that island I bought just of the coast of Mauritius (Obviously taking along 10 of my highly trained staff that are there just to cater to my every whim)... It's not fancy but..." He stopped talking there because at that exact moment I would shoot him in the face. With a bazooka.

Vince Vaughn, despite starring in some magnificent comedies like Old School and Swingers (Both of which were infinitely better than Friends), says that he only became famous due to his former girl friend, Jennifer Aniston. What he actually said was,

"If you go out with someone famous, you'll get a certain level of attention around you but it was never something I focused on."

Meh. Friends sucked. Jennifer Aniston sucks. Friends is over. Jennifer Aniston is over. That's how it works, right?

Jennifer Aniston, the poster girl for "Moving on with your life", was spotted at a special screening of Brad Pitt’s new movie, The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford at the Landmark Cinema in Los Angeles. She apparently tried to cover her face with a baseball cap, but despite her masterful assassin level disguise she was spotted. The fact that she was accompanied by Monica Courteney Cox, didn't seem to help. ... You know. I could feel bad for her. Because y'know... It's sad... Lusting after some middle aged man. But I won't. Because I'm mean. I once drowned a kitten. Ok... maybe not drowned... washed might be a better word... and cuddled... before tucking it into my bed and going to sleep on the floor. My point is, Jennifer Aniston is sad and pathetic and I'm a bad boy. Call me ladies.

Hi all! Only one post today. I have a test tomorrow which I have to pretend I'm studying for so today you only get to waste your time for about two minutes instead of the usual five. Jennifer Aniston is reportedly ready to dish all on her ex-husband, Brad Pitt and his lover, Angelina Jolie. The problem is that no one cares, since they broke up around the same time the last dinosaurs were dying. One of Jennifers friends (I'd guess it's a select group of two),

“Jen is absolutely incensed, How dare he try and pretend everything is great between us? What right does Brad have to say these things?"

She also said, that Aniston said,

"Angelina can say all she likes that she didn’t steal my husband, and Brad can try and say he was all innocent. But you do the math! It doesn’t take much working it out,’”

OK Jen. I'll do the math. Brad wanted a kid + Your ovaries were in free fall + Hot women tells Brad Pitt to fertilize her = Divorce + Shiloh I'm so gonna ace my maths test tomorrow!

Hey everyone! Hope you had a good weekend. I did...I watched Disney Channel and ate snow cones...I mean, I went to a party, got so stoned that all I wanted to do was watch Disney Channel and eat snow cones. Yeah, that sounds way cooler! Speaking of depressed. Well, we weren't, but let's talk about how unique Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's relationship is. It is kinda depressing, that supposedly the two most beautiful people in the world are shacking up without saying the 'L' word. Yep, they didn't say that to each other and they have 4 kids between them. I don't know if that gives me hope or makes me sad. Angelina says:

"I don't think we've ever said 'I love you'. I mean, I'm sure we have, but we would punch each other in the arm first!"

Um, ohkay! And I bet at this, some dyke is going to come out the woodwork and insist that Angelina can't say those words to Brad because she's still obsessed by an all-consuming love for her. And Angelina gave a little quote about her thoughts about Brad before he divorced wifey Jennifer Aniston:

"I think the world knew before I did (that I loved him) "We'd had such fun filming - shooting guns, riding bikes together - that I could have guessed. (That I was in love with a married man while shooting Mr and Mrs Smith) "By there's a lot more to him than people would assume. He's much more 'man' than any other man I've ever met. (duh!)"

The little notes in brackets are from me. I'd think it was so cute if she hadn't been talking about a married man...that totally ruins the happily ever after fairytale story.