SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Halle Berry seems to be going through the crazy phase of her pregnancy after her antisemitic outburst on the Jay Leno show yesterday (Actually it was just a bad joke... but nothing like controversy to get visits, eh?). Page Six reports,

(Berry) was showing Leno and his audience images of herself on her computer using the Mac program Photo Booth, which distorts images like a carnival fun-house mirror. According to one audience member, "She introduced the first photo by saying, 'Here's where I look like my Jewish cousin!' - it was a picture of her with a huge, distorted nose. No one laughed, and Jay nervously said, 'I'm glad you said that and not me.' When the show aired, they cut out her 'Jewish' comment..." Another guest in the audience told us, "Ms. Berry should know how unbelievably inappropriate her comment was . . . She should be ashamed of herself." Berry, who sounded like she was near tears, told Page Six last night: "I so didn't mean to offend anybody - and after the show I realized it could be seen as offensive, so I asked Jay to take it out, and he did." Berry, who even offered to call Page Six's source and apologize in person, said, "It was just a lighthearted segment that was meant to make fun of myself. There was a picture where I said I looked like Monica Lewinsky and one where I said I looked like Jay. It was just supposed to be a silly segment. I am so sorry, and I apologize."

Whatever, Halle you Jew hater! I'll bet the members of your "Hitler Club" thought you were hilarious. Maybe after sucking some Jew blood you can put on your hood and maybe head south for a relaxing evening mauling black people. (Actually I don't really mean that... I'm just fishing for comments)

Halle Berry, who is currently pregnant with her first child, is supposedly receiving death threats from a random sicko. The Daily Mirror reports,

Berry, who is three months pregnant, has received letters at her LA home from an anonymous sicko. One said she and her child would be "cut into hundreds of pieces". Halle, 41, who has a white father and an African-American mother, is expecting her first child with white Canadian model Gabriel Aubry. A source close to the actress said: "Halle does not normally use security but she has taken on a couple of guys to make sure." Police are investigating the threats.

I did that once. I think I came though the whole experience a better man. I mean... after I had to leave the country because the cops found out who I was. Yeah, tough times. I feel for the guy who's sending the letter. That bitch Halle Berry goes out of her way to cause trouble for us psychos.

Hah! I bet you thought I'd use the words 'knocked up', since we use that alot, but I didn't say it! I didn't say Halle Berry is knocked up...I...dammit! So as we reported a while back, she totally is pregnant. Score for me, for knowing which stories are true and which are crap...never mind that I've reported Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie breaking up like 50 times, but I got one right and that's what counts! Halle Berry reportedly broke the news to Nancy O'Dell of "Access Hollywood" over email and wrote:

“Yes, I am three months pregnant! Gabriel and I are beyond excited, and I’ve waited a long time for this moment in life. Now the next seven months will be the longest of my life!... You heard it from ME first!”

Seriously, how do we know it's real? I found a website that let's you send an email from whatever 'address' you want. For all you know, I could have sent this email!

While some of us don't have boyfriends and aren't even close because the guys we like hate us -sob- some women are getting knocked up by models. Though I personally would like to stay sad and single, because I'm a prude, but not everyone prefers it that way. Actress Halle Berry is supposedly pregnant with her first child...at age 41 and she's diabetic, maybe childbirth very complicated. But you know these rich people, she'll just throw some money at God and everything will work out fine. Halle is dating model Gabriel Aubry, the not-so-hot individual above. An insider says:

"Halle is so happy right now. She's wanted a baby for so long. "But at the same time she's scared because she is very aware of the complications that having diabetes can cause during pregnancy. "She's doing everything possible to make sure her baby is born healthy".

But her reps say that the reports are untrue and Halle is as virginal as she always was. Well, something like that. But forget it, what I want to know, the insider? What's he in the inside of? Her womb? Ok, that was lame. Someone just shoot me.

Hottie, Halle Berry regrets having the name of her ex tattooed onto her buttocks. The Academy Award winning actress married first hubby, pro baseball player David Justice in 1992 and had his name tattooed on her posterior. When the marriage ended in 1996, Halle had the tattoo changed into a sunflower. She says, "I chose a sunflower because when darkness descends they close up to regenerate,But I really wish I'd never had the tattoo in the first place. Clean, clear skin is always better." Tattoo's are never, EVER, a good idea. Think about when you get older! That tattoo of that hot chick you got on your six-pack in the seventies is a sickening reminder of the woman you come home to today... penis et al!!! So... don't be a fool... don't get yourself stabbed repeatedly with a needle making pretty patterns so that ink can be injected into you!!! ... And be cool!

Yeah, that’s why her suicide attempt failed, because you can’t suffocate yourself by filling your car with carbon monoxide and then deciding that you should crack a window open because it’s getting a bit stuffy. That won’t ever work Halle, so stop trying. Anyways, actress Halle Berry says that she was so devastated at the end of her marriage to baseball star David Justice that she wanted to commit suicide. Her attempt failed because of the reason above…but Halle has insisted that she’s not a blonde and that she changed her mind in the car because she thought of her mother and the sacrifices her mom had made for her and her siblings. Halle decided to do the brave thing and enter this hell-hole of a world again and give it another chance. Halle just doesn’t seem to get it. You know what you do when you lose a husband? You break open a big slab of Toblerone, stay in bed watching all the mushy romances you want, get it all out of your system…and then go party with your girlfriends wearing your sexiest clothes. There’s nothing like good-natured groping and leering to lift up a girls self-esteem!

So there’s hope for all you straight men out there, but I think Halle has her eyes on 31-year-old model boyfriend Gabriel Aubry. 41-year-old Halle says that she thinks she’s ready to have kids “I definitely want children. Very much.”

Halle was reported to have said “I want my kids to realize it’s only through hard work that any success or real joy comes. It’s not about money, it’s the intangible awards, it’s about having integrity and doing what you say you’re going to do.”

Yeah, I totally see this happening to her kids! “Hi, Mastercard? Do you take integrity as payment? What do you mean it isn’t worth anything? Fine, you won’t be getting any more business from me! Good Day!” “Hello, Donna Karen? I loved that new dress you designed for me! So how do you want me to pay for it? Hard work or intangible awards? You don’t accept that! Wow, my mum must’ve been talking rubbish! Bye.” “Hey there, Holiday Inn? Yes, I’m just confirming my booking, cheque or credit card? How about I just do what I want to do? That isn’t acceptable? Fine, be like that!” “Hi, Mastercard? It’s me again, I just wanted to tell you that Halle Berry is my mom…you’re increasing my credit limit? Gee, thanks!” And that will be the life of Halle Berry’s kids, seriously Oh, and a quick return to reality. Halle says that she wanted a kid by the time she was 40 and if she can’t have it naturally, she’ll adopt.

I had the choice to write between Halle Berry saying that she’ll never marry again and breaking the hearts of most straight guys out there and Charlotte Church saying that she won’t marry her boyfriend and father of her baby Gavin Henson that no one really cares about, but I thought I’d be different and write about a story I missed yesterday (by the way, apologies to everyone who reads this for not updating yesterday…I was kidnapped by aliens and they only brought me back today…did I tell you Venus looks like the back of my closet? Honestly) Oh, back to my story, I will be writing about Ryan Phillippe and his maybe new hook-up Ashley Simpson. Ryan met Ashlee at LA nightclub Les Deux which means See Two, according to my Encarta dictionary…See Two? Is that a guarantee that they’ll get you so hammered that you’ll have double vision by the time you leave? Cool. Basically, it says that Ryan seemed to hit it off with Ashlee; they had a make-out session somewhere after which the two emerged dishevelled. It was then reported that they left separately, but Ryan went to her place where he spent the night. Ryan’s representatives deny the allegations and say that Ryan barely knows Ashlee except for a brief introduction at the club. Who to believe, who to believe? I think I’ll trust the source, because sources are always accurate, or at least that’s what they tell us at varsity, and even if it’s the waitress’s boyfriend’s little brother’s dog who gave the report, you just know that he’s right. Here Doggy, doggy! Nice Doggy.