SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Following in the foot steps of another woman desperate for attention (Bai Ling), Britney Spears is reported to have stolen a $100 top from a store in Los Angeles. She was seen wearing a leopard print top when she entered the store, but came out wearing an unpaid for black top.

A shopper says,

“Britney seemed to be in a daze. She rushed around looking at coats and bags and then left with her gang of 25 people, the staff were just staring at each other, then said ‘I think she’s taken a top’. There was chaos outside with fans and police.”

Britney’s entourage however insisted that Britney had barely forgotten to pay for her item.

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If you own a shop and let Britney Spears inside than that’s the bare minimum of punishment you deserve.

He’s just lucky that Britney Spears didn’t take off all her clothes and start rubbing up against all the oversize jeans grunting, “Take me back, Kevin baby! Take me back!”, before falling pathetically to the floor in deep sobs.

Wow, that guy got really lucky!

Hi all! I’m back…unfortunately. I was having such fun just running one blog and pissing off the people there, but TheSman is unavailable (read: rehab and/or seeing a shrink on a regular basis) and I’ll be taking over the blog for a while. Yes, that means more regular posts, more obvious bias, more pictures and less funniness. You have to take the bad with the good.

If you’ve been following the antics of Britney Spears, every time it seems like she can’t sink any lower, you’re proven wrong. So let’s review, shall we?

1. Lost custody of children to back-up dancer ex-husband.
2. Cannot be bothered to stop drinking or getting high long enough to realise what’s going on.
3. Parents insist that she’s going to die (especially since it’s her parents, you know it’s bad).
4. Supposedly in love with boyfriend who is probably selling pictures of them to the highest bidder.
5. The state has to make sure that she actually goes to court…I think, that legal jargon is confusing!

And the latest story is that the troubled ex-popstar (and she gives the word ‘troubled’ a whole new level) has been drugged by manager Sam Lufti to keep her under control. Her conservators (I assume they mean the people who want top protect her…conservator makes you think of an endangered animal…and Britney isn’t even as precious as a White Tiger) have started a criminal investigation against Sam, and the manager (already with a restraining order against him) is nowhere to be found.

If that’s under control…I think he might want to check the expiration dates on those drugs.

There’s another Spears baby coming into the world people! Shockingly enough it’s not Britney’s.

16 year old Jamie Lynn Spears, star of Nickolodeon’s Zoey 101 (Which I never ever watch… ever… because it’s girly… and I’m all man, baby), has been knocked up by her boyfriend of a year and a bit, Casey Aldridge, who she met at church (No jokes).

The Associated Press reports,

Spears is 12 weeks along and initially kept the news to herself when she learned of the pregnancy from an at-home test and subsequent doctor visit, she told the celebrity magazine, which hits stands in New York on Wednesday and the rest of the country by Friday.

Nickolodeon released the following statement,

“We respect Jamie Lynn’s decision to take responsibility in this sensitive and personal situation. We know this is a very difficult time for her and her family, and our primary concern right now is for Jamie Lynn’s well being.”

I suppose by “well being” they mean “being fired”.

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Wow… why is everyone in such a hurry these days? I mean… I knew for sure that she would be an unwed (possibly teenage) mother… what with my sixth sense, and amazing ability to read people (Oh, and she’s Britney Spears sister)… But at 16?

Come on! At 16 I was still figuring out how to tie my shoelaces and she has to figure out hwo to bring up a kid!

What’re you people laughing at!? The poor girl has to bring up a kid with a husband that more likely than not dreams of being head packer at Walmart. Almost as bad as a wigger husband who dreams of being a rapper.

Still though… this whole situation could have been avoided if these losers had actually listened to someone (The priest or their slutty friends)… Either don’t do it, or cover up when you do… Dumbass… that goes for Britney too.

Maybe it’s the aristocratic features or the affected accent, but should any of us be surprised that Hugh Grant is a huge fan of the Queen? After an amicable breakup with Hugh, ex-girlfriend Jemima Khan spreads the dirt…nothing particularly scandalous, but if you read between the lines, a dirty mind (like mine) can have so much to think of.

Jemima said that Hugh was obsessed with the Queen and would say and do anything to be around her. He even had a room dedicated to her, with pictures, posters and cheap souvenirs adorning the walls and cabinets…oh wait, that’s Britney Spears and her obsession with Princess Di, wrong psycho celeb.

Anyways, he even dreams about her and has Jemima dress in conservative tweed skirts and suits during their bedroom games…well, not really. Yes about the dreams, no about the sex-games. What is wrong with my mind?! Ok, just bare facts…those obviously cannot bring about any perverted suggestions from me.

“He’d dream about her regularly and would accept the most unlikely invitations just for a chance to see her,”

She even narrated one incident with the Queen.

“She asked him politely what brought him to a reception for the Italian president, for example, and he claimed to have a passion for Italy,”

“I put her straight, ‘He came to gawp at you again, Ma’am’. She nodded wearily.”

There will be no mention about leering at the Queen, dirty thoughts or otherwise…

Because you all pick on Britney Spears… for shame!

Rihanna says that people need to “lay off” the Toxic singer because she’s under a “lot of pressure”.

She says,

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with partying, partying is healthy. You can’t have a boring life. You have to party some time.”

“People put so much energy into being negative about Britney. There’s so much pressure on her - it can’t be easy.”

I agree. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with partying. Especially if you have two infants at home. It just makes it that much sweeter. It’s even better if those two infants haven’t eaten in a month and are chewing the bamboo curtains for sustenance… Crazy kids!

Britney Spears is set to play the Virgin Mary in an upcoming satirisation of the birth of Jesus Christ. French producer Phillippe Rebboah has approached the “Toxic” singer to portray the mother of Christ in the upcoming film entitled Sweet Baby Jesus.

Rebboah says,

“I had to convince my partners, because they were like, ‘Oh, no. Britney?’ But I thought it was brilliant.”

Wow… If Hitler didn’t make Jesus cry than this definitely will.

Why does everyone hate Jesus nowadays? I mean… he sounds like a nice enough guy. Sure he’d be your “uptight friend”, but you can’t say you wouldn’t like a friend who can raise the dead and cure leprosy… I bet he’d do a swell job with hangovers too!

Britney Spears is reportedly addicted to plastic surgery, after finally managing to get hold of a mirror and calling herself a “fat pig” (Oh… and she saw the VMA thingamajig). Britney wants to have multiple procedures, including a breast enlargement and liposuction.

A friend of the singer said:

“Britney has already consulted with at least three surgeons about new breast implants, a nose job, liposuction on her chin and Botox for her face.”

“She sees no reason to stop, she constantly talks about getting work done.”

Last month a surgeon told Britney he would not operate on her because she was a “high risk patient”.

A source says,

“He didn’t want to clear her for surgery because he didn’t think he could trust what she’d put on her medical history.”

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Here’s an idea tubby. Get on a frickin’ treadmill!!!

You know, in the past, at least celebs had to eat right and stuff. I mean… I was always jealous of the fact that they could hire about a million more hookers than me, but at least I got my own back when I bit into a Krispy Kreme Doughnut while that loser was working out in the gym.

Now lazy fatty’s like Britney have deprived me of even the most simple pleasures in life. Damn you Britney! Damn you to hell!!!

I don’t mean Chinese food. Although I’m sure she enjoys that too. Along with Indian, Greek, Italian and French cuisine. Basically anything that can be labeled food.

The News of the World reports that Britney plans to adopt two children from China. Presumably because she can’t find her own.

Also, Brit has coughed up 25000 Pounds for her own funeral… She evidently feels that she won’t last very wrong with all the drugs and alcohol she consumes.

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I think the News of the World has it wrong. Britney Spears is getting Chinese kids to be her pets, but has paid 25000 Pounds for the inevitable funeral when Britney forgets to feed them.

That definitely makes more sense than anyone letting Britney adopt kids. I’ve heard that’s how they recruit suicide bombers in Iraq. They tell them that they’re to be shipped off to America next Monday so that they can be Britney’s kids. Seriously.

Britney’s lawyer from yesteryear,Eric Ervin, yesterday claimed that Britney Spears is not all that she claimed to be (ie she wasn’t a virgin when she entered Showbiz). He says that Britney Spears lost her virginity at age 14 to then boyfriend Reg Jones. They later broke up when they found out how difficult it would be to maintain a long distance relationship. He also says that she was sexually active with Justin Timberlake.

Us Weekly reports,

But lawyer Eric Ervin, who worked with Spears as a teenager, tells Us Weekly in its new cover story that the “virgin” image Spears portrayed was, in his words, a “PR blitz.” In fact, Us reports in its new issue that Spears lost her virginity at 14 to boyfriend Reg Jones, and that she and Justin Timberlake were intimate from the beginning.

Something Spears also kept secret: Her family’s tragic history.

Us has learned that Spears’ paternal grandmother, Emma Jean Spears, in June 1966 committed suicide at age 31. Britney’s grandmother, who suffered from depression, shot herself in the chest with a shotgun at the grave of her infant son who had died eight years earlier just three days after being born.

I’m pretty sure no-one believed Britney was a virgin. Seriously… My four year old cousin watched Hit me baby one more time and said “That ho’s been banged more time than a bhangra drum”… And he didn’t even know what sex was!

Cute kid.

Following the complete breakdown of her career and personal life Britney Spears seems to think that she’s discovered the secret to regaining her magic touch… by hiring a new manager.

The new “manager” is a hanger-on to Britney named Sam Lufti.

Sawf news reports:

In Britney’s world managing a pop star probably means nothing more than keeping the paparazzi far enough from her car so that she does not run over their toes, fetching her coffee and pumping the gas in her car - all things Sam Lufti will conceivably do to her satisfaction.

I’m sure this will fix all of Britney’s problems…

You know… Who’d have thought Britney would turn out like this? I mean when I was people were having masturbation parties watching Toxic and I’m a slave for you, while desperately trying to contact the devil so that they could sell their souls for one night of sexual congress with Britney, did anyone actually think that just a short 3 years later, that same Britney would have trouble getting a hooker into bed?

Life can change so quickly.