SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Sheryl Crow has moved to correct rumors that Jennifer Aniston was dumped by Brad Pitt (two and a half years ago... but who's keeping count, right?), when he went off to fornicate and reproduce with Angelina Jolie. Crow says,

“For both of us, the perceived idea is that, in our big relationships, we both got dumped. Believe me, this is not true, Neither one of us has ever gotten dumped. No one ever knows what goes on in relationships. Unfortunately, for some people like Jennifer and me, so much is written about things that you don’t say, and so many emotions are attributed to you that you haven’t had,”

Another friend lend credence to the story, informing that bastion of honesty The National Enquirer that,

“Once Jen saw the writing on the wall, she dumped Brad. She took a cold, hard look at her marriage and realised it was irretrievably broken, She and Brad had vastly different personal agendas and feelings about love, career and having a family.”

Unlike other bloggers, I don't act like Jennifer Aniston is hideously deformed (Although Sheryl Crow definitely is... with that weird transvestite face, and scary spindly legs that look like they were a part of a group... of 8. I'm not saying that Sheryl Crow was born an Arachnid. I'm just throwing the possibility out there.), however like other bloggers (and people) I genuinely believe that she should just move on. I mean... Brad's repopulating the planet due to his (seemingly) frequent unprotected sex with Ms. Jolie, while Jennifer Aniston and her buddies are still going on about what a survivor she is. Jennifer Aniston if you say that Brad dumped you. Fine. If you say that you sleep better at night without the guy from Fight Club next to you. Fine. If you say that Angelina Jolie mentally raped Brad Pitt with voodoo torture before she stole him away from you. fine. Can you and your buds please shut up now? I'm tired of reporting a celebrity divorce case that happened almost three years ago. It makes me remember better days.

According to OK! Magazine George Clooney and Brad Pitt are best buds. Also according to OK! Magazine, Jennifer Aniston still holds plenty of hostility for anything related to Brad Pitt. OK! Magazine says,

The handsome Michael Clayton star - who just happens to be best buds with Jen's ex Brad Pitt - sauntered up to the actress at last Saturday's Night Before gala in Beverly Hills, where she was busy chatting with BFF Courteney Cox, David Arquette, Orlando Bloom, Robert Downey Jr. and his wife, Susan, outside of Bar Nineteen12. "George attempted to be friendly, but Jen wasn't having it," one eyewitness tells OK!. "After enduring a few minutes of the actor's presence, Jen turned on her heels and made a beeline for the Sunset Ballroom, where most of the guests were mingling."

I think Jennifer is regretting the fact that she didn't have a threesome with Msrs. Pitt and Clooney when she had the chance... I mean... They're so pretty! I'd go gay for them! ... Actually I wouldn't... Because that would be kinda' gay. Why is it that when a girl says she'd go bi for some celeb all the males get erections, but when a guy does it it's all, "You're gay" and "I'll buy you lube" and "C'mon over to my house, matey"? Guys don't appreciate the masculine form... and neither do I... Obviously.

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie's lover (And perhaps at one point the luckiest man in the world), said that he is trying to cut back on his alcohol intake so that he can be a better dad. Pitt says,

“It’s not easy to be a good father when you’ve had a few drinks. About a year ago I’d had a couple of beers and my daughter Zahara had this piece of ice that had been dropped on the floor, and she was putting it in her mouth and began to choke on it, and that was it. You have to be absolutely on top of every situation. The other shit doesn’t work anymore. When they wake up in the middle of the night you have to be there. And you can’t deal with children when you have a hangover - that’s just a misery!“

Can a kid really choke on ice? I always assumed that although it would be uncomfortable for a minute or so it would eventually melt enough to slide down your gullet... At least that's my experience with it. But Brad Pitt says it does, so it does. Who am I to argue with the man who's nailing Angelina Jolie? He could tell me that the earth is flat and interest rates are a massive Jewish conspiracy and I'd still believe him. Although he doesn't need to tell me about the Jewish interest rate thing... I'm in the know.

Brad Pitt, today opened up about his new found faith. Pitt was raised as a conservative Southern Baptist and often struggled with the strict religion. He says,

"I'd go to Christian revivals and be moved by the Holy Spirit, and I'd go to rock concerts and feel the same fervour. Then I'd be told, 'That's the Devil's music! Don't partake in that!' "I wanted to experience things religion said not to experience. "Religion works. I know there's comfort there, a crash pad. It's something to explain the world and tell you there is something bigger than you, and it is going to be all right in the end." "What's important to me is that I've defined my beliefs and lived according to them and not betrayed them. One of those is my belief in family. I still have faith in that."

Wow this must be killing Richard Dawkins. Which is good, because he's a c*nt. A c*nt that buggers bald transvestites in South Park. Still though. It's nice that he believes in family and all. What with how desperately he worked at his relationship with Jennifer Aniston. And by "desperately worked", I mean "shacked up with his hot costar". Although I'll bet Aniston wishes he was a Muslim. Four wives baby! Four wives!

Brad Pitt is a d***. That is all. Well... Actually it's not... But only because I HAVE to write about this. If I don't I'll be beaten up... Sorry about not updating for the last 3 days or so... If I had, I wouldn't have to write about Brad Pitt's face. Brad Pitt, the star of Troy and the man who impregnated Angelina Jolie, says,

"I liked turning 40. Maybe I had a crisis earlier or something. Maybe I had it in my 30s." "One thing that sucks though is that your face kind of goes, and your body's not quite working the same. But you earned it. You earned that, things falling apart!"

That's great for you Brad. You're face is falling apart, but you can still pull about 3000000000 more women than I can. You know what I'd like to do to him? I'd like to bury him. In the ground. After he's dead and all. And than dig him up again and show him to all the women and say... This was that guy from Ocean's 11!!! ... Wait... I mean... What? Brad Pitt is a man that plays... people... in... umm... movies. That's what I wanted to say.

Hah! I bet you thought I'd use the words 'knocked up', since we use that alot, but I didn't say it! I didn't say Halle Berry is knocked up...I...dammit! So as we reported a while back, she totally is pregnant. Score for me, for knowing which stories are true and which are crap...never mind that I've reported Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie breaking up like 50 times, but I got one right and that's what counts! Halle Berry reportedly broke the news to Nancy O'Dell of "Access Hollywood" over email and wrote:

“Yes, I am three months pregnant! Gabriel and I are beyond excited, and I’ve waited a long time for this moment in life. Now the next seven months will be the longest of my life!... You heard it from ME first!”

Seriously, how do we know it's real? I found a website that let's you send an email from whatever 'address' you want. For all you know, I could have sent this email!

Hey everyone! Hope you had a good weekend. I did...I watched Disney Channel and ate snow cones...I mean, I went to a party, got so stoned that all I wanted to do was watch Disney Channel and eat snow cones. Yeah, that sounds way cooler! Speaking of depressed. Well, we weren't, but let's talk about how unique Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's relationship is. It is kinda depressing, that supposedly the two most beautiful people in the world are shacking up without saying the 'L' word. Yep, they didn't say that to each other and they have 4 kids between them. I don't know if that gives me hope or makes me sad. Angelina says:

"I don't think we've ever said 'I love you'. I mean, I'm sure we have, but we would punch each other in the arm first!"

Um, ohkay! And I bet at this, some dyke is going to come out the woodwork and insist that Angelina can't say those words to Brad because she's still obsessed by an all-consuming love for her. And Angelina gave a little quote about her thoughts about Brad before he divorced wifey Jennifer Aniston:

"I think the world knew before I did (that I loved him) "We'd had such fun filming - shooting guns, riding bikes together - that I could have guessed. (That I was in love with a married man while shooting Mr and Mrs Smith) "By there's a lot more to him than people would assume. He's much more 'man' than any other man I've ever met. (duh!)"

The little notes in brackets are from me. I'd think it was so cute if she hadn't been talking about a married man...that totally ruins the happily ever after fairytale story.

We know that while Brad Pitt is playing happy families (well, mostly happy) with Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston hasn't had the same luck in the dating apartment as her ex-husband. The actress has gotten a new boyfriend and his name is Brad. Well, it's Bradley Cooper (that's him above you, looking strikingly handsome), but it's obvious that she can't seem to let go of the memory of Brad. And the new Brad is in the process of divorcing his wife too, and her name is Jennifer. Um, Jen? Isn't that telling you he already hates all women called Jennifer? Jennifer was surprised by the coincidences, and the obvious source says: "Jen was amazed and laughing at the fact that they might have been in a Twilight Zone scene about parallel worlds colliding," Is it just me or are there a lot of people named Source in Hollywood? Just joking...I know his first name is Close. So let's analyse this, because I like wasting time. Jennifer is going out with a man named Brad...before, she was going out with a British model who shared quite a lot of physical resemblances with Brad Pitt...so what was Vince Vaughn? Brad Pitt's alter-ego?

Well, obviously she is or why would she mind that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie brought the paparazzi to Chicago and they don't want to hear her whining about how American's are so much better than the British. Ummm, the British have cool accents, Americans make me wanna rip my arm off and beat you with it until you shut up!

"When Brad and Angelina leave, won't they [paparazzi] go, too?" "Don't you think they sort of blow in and out with the celebs?"

So does this stem from the fact that Gweneth is jealous because she couldn't keep Brad (they were engaged once upon a time, before anyone really cared) or because no-ones paying attention to her? I think it has to be the former, since no-one ever pays attention to her. She can't still be bitter about that. I'm sure Chicago is your haven away from the paparazzi Gwen. Yes, they do hide in the bushes and take their shots. Yes, those pictures never appear in any tabloids because you have friends in high places. Yes, Tom Cruise really isn't gay. Just keep telling yourself that.

It's reported today that Jennifer Aniston sent a message to to former hubby Brad Pitt saying, “See – I told you so”, on what the actor faces now with a self-admitted “moody” Angelina Jolie. The message came after Brad had discouraged Aniston from avoid visiting his mum, due to it irritating Jolie. Tiffany Law, (apparently) a close friend of Jennifer Aniston, revealed,

“Jen felt all along that Brad’s new romance may not be all it was cracked up to be. The news that Brad and Ange are reportedly on the rocks come as no shock. Jen told Brad: ‘You have made your bed – now you have to lie in it’. Angelina has started to boss Brad around in a way Jen never did.”

There's a shock! Jennifer Aniston whining! Who would believe that?! I mean with her great cinematic career that includes masterpieces like Along came Polly and Leprechaun, you'd think she'd be too busy to be bitter. What with all the hard work that goes into all those Oscar winning roles. I guess not.