SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Eva Longoria has recently been pictured with a suspicious inflated stomach which has obviously fueled speculation that the Desperate Housewives actress is pregnant.

Even though the actress has seen that she and husband Tony Parker would love to have kids, she has not confirmed that she is pregnant. I mean, Angelina Jolie was walking around with circus tent dresses and was obviously pregnant before she admitted that she was pregnant, so we may have to wait a while before we get any confirmation from Eva. Even then, Jack Black spilled the beans...

Her publicist says,

"We do not talk about clients' personal lives."

Then what the heck are they there for?

Angelina Jolie, better known as peace promoting UN ambassador, better known as Brad Pitt's lover, better known as that "nekkid chick from Tomb Raider", in a recent interview with the Mail on Sunday showed us a side of herself that we don't usually see... Except in movies, I mean. She says,

"If anybody comes into my home and tries to hurt my kids, I've no problem shooting them." "I bought original, real guns of the type we used in Tomb Raider for security. Brad and I are not against having a gun in the house, and we do have one. And yes, I'd be able to use it if I had to. I could handle myself. I think there are certain combat skills that would come out. I tend to want to throw an elbow. I don't know why. I've learned all the punches, head butts and kicks – yet getting someone with my elbow is my first instinct. I think it's good for anybody to learn a skill when it comes to fight training – be it kung fu, boxing or kick-boxing – because self-defence is important. Brad and I want our kids to learn it. They're going to get into a fight some day, so they might as well learn how to take care of themselves." "There's a side to me that people know is humanitarian, and there's a side to me that's a mummy. But there's also the side that likes to get down and dirty and run and jump around and fire guns. I don't want to lose touch with that."

Wow... It must be nice having a Mum willing to shoot people to protect you. My mum shoots me to protect other people. Really. She shoots me with rubber bullets whenever I trouble my little sisters. Thanks for that mum!

Sheryl Crow has moved to correct rumors that Jennifer Aniston was dumped by Brad Pitt (two and a half years ago... but who's keeping count, right?), when he went off to fornicate and reproduce with Angelina Jolie. Crow says,

“For both of us, the perceived idea is that, in our big relationships, we both got dumped. Believe me, this is not true, Neither one of us has ever gotten dumped. No one ever knows what goes on in relationships. Unfortunately, for some people like Jennifer and me, so much is written about things that you don’t say, and so many emotions are attributed to you that you haven’t had,”

Another friend lend credence to the story, informing that bastion of honesty The National Enquirer that,

“Once Jen saw the writing on the wall, she dumped Brad. She took a cold, hard look at her marriage and realised it was irretrievably broken, She and Brad had vastly different personal agendas and feelings about love, career and having a family.”

Unlike other bloggers, I don't act like Jennifer Aniston is hideously deformed (Although Sheryl Crow definitely is... with that weird transvestite face, and scary spindly legs that look like they were a part of a group... of 8. I'm not saying that Sheryl Crow was born an Arachnid. I'm just throwing the possibility out there.), however like other bloggers (and people) I genuinely believe that she should just move on. I mean... Brad's repopulating the planet due to his (seemingly) frequent unprotected sex with Ms. Jolie, while Jennifer Aniston and her buddies are still going on about what a survivor she is. Jennifer Aniston if you say that Brad dumped you. Fine. If you say that you sleep better at night without the guy from Fight Club next to you. Fine. If you say that Angelina Jolie mentally raped Brad Pitt with voodoo torture before she stole him away from you. fine. Can you and your buds please shut up now? I'm tired of reporting a celebrity divorce case that happened almost three years ago. It makes me remember better days.

Angelina Jolie is currently in Iraq touring the wore torn nation in her role as a volunteer for the UN's High Commission for Refugees. While giving an interview Jolie was asked about rumours of the impending addition to the Pitt-Jolie household by CNN's Arwa Damon, Jolie was apparently less than impressed saying (Before Damon could even finish the question),

"Oh don't. Stop it. Stay true to your tradition. You're CNN. Don't do it,"

I suppose Jolie wants CNN to carry on with their cover ups... like what they did with 9/11... and with the Kennedy murders (You read that right... murders)... and... and the Superbowl! The Patriots WON!!! The Patriots won...

Janice Dickinson, the former model, who is now a testament to the benefits of plastic surgery (or not), has criticized Angelina Jolie's portrayal of lesbian supermodel Gia, in the movie... ummm... Gia. Dickinson, who co-wrote the script and was friends with the real Gia, says,

'I was disappointed with the film, We hired an unknown, one Miss Angelina Jolie. 'Gia was not depicted by Miss Jolie the way Gia actually was. 'In truth, Gia was a phenomenally gorgeous, voluptuous, extroverted, racy lesbian.'

Firstly, this movie is, what? 10 years old? And she mentions it now? Way to dig up the past Janice! Maybe when you're done we can discuss what mistakes they made in Ben Hur? And secondly, Angelina Jolie was a brilliant lesbian, I've masturbated watched that movie about a 100 times now, and am still astounded by Angelina Jolie's naked body the brilliant acting. Note: Gia looks like this... I'd much rather imagine Angelina Jolie having lesbian sex... with me.

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie's lover (And perhaps at one point the luckiest man in the world), said that he is trying to cut back on his alcohol intake so that he can be a better dad. Pitt says,

“It’s not easy to be a good father when you’ve had a few drinks. About a year ago I’d had a couple of beers and my daughter Zahara had this piece of ice that had been dropped on the floor, and she was putting it in her mouth and began to choke on it, and that was it. You have to be absolutely on top of every situation. The other shit doesn’t work anymore. When they wake up in the middle of the night you have to be there. And you can’t deal with children when you have a hangover - that’s just a misery!“

Can a kid really choke on ice? I always assumed that although it would be uncomfortable for a minute or so it would eventually melt enough to slide down your gullet... At least that's my experience with it. But Brad Pitt says it does, so it does. Who am I to argue with the man who's nailing Angelina Jolie? He could tell me that the earth is flat and interest rates are a massive Jewish conspiracy and I'd still believe him. Although he doesn't need to tell me about the Jewish interest rate thing... I'm in the know.

Brad Pitt is a d***. That is all. Well... Actually it's not... But only because I HAVE to write about this. If I don't I'll be beaten up... Sorry about not updating for the last 3 days or so... If I had, I wouldn't have to write about Brad Pitt's face. Brad Pitt, the star of Troy and the man who impregnated Angelina Jolie, says,

"I liked turning 40. Maybe I had a crisis earlier or something. Maybe I had it in my 30s." "One thing that sucks though is that your face kind of goes, and your body's not quite working the same. But you earned it. You earned that, things falling apart!"

That's great for you Brad. You're face is falling apart, but you can still pull about 3000000000 more women than I can. You know what I'd like to do to him? I'd like to bury him. In the ground. After he's dead and all. And than dig him up again and show him to all the women and say... This was that guy from Ocean's 11!!! ... Wait... I mean... What? Brad Pitt is a man that plays... people... in... umm... movies. That's what I wanted to say.

Hah! I bet you thought I'd use the words 'knocked up', since we use that alot, but I didn't say it! I didn't say Halle Berry is knocked up...I...dammit! So as we reported a while back, she totally is pregnant. Score for me, for knowing which stories are true and which are crap...never mind that I've reported Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie breaking up like 50 times, but I got one right and that's what counts! Halle Berry reportedly broke the news to Nancy O'Dell of "Access Hollywood" over email and wrote:

“Yes, I am three months pregnant! Gabriel and I are beyond excited, and I’ve waited a long time for this moment in life. Now the next seven months will be the longest of my life!... You heard it from ME first!”

Seriously, how do we know it's real? I found a website that let's you send an email from whatever 'address' you want. For all you know, I could have sent this email!

Hey everyone! Hope you had a good weekend. I did...I watched Disney Channel and ate snow cones...I mean, I went to a party, got so stoned that all I wanted to do was watch Disney Channel and eat snow cones. Yeah, that sounds way cooler! Speaking of depressed. Well, we weren't, but let's talk about how unique Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's relationship is. It is kinda depressing, that supposedly the two most beautiful people in the world are shacking up without saying the 'L' word. Yep, they didn't say that to each other and they have 4 kids between them. I don't know if that gives me hope or makes me sad. Angelina says:

"I don't think we've ever said 'I love you'. I mean, I'm sure we have, but we would punch each other in the arm first!"

Um, ohkay! And I bet at this, some dyke is going to come out the woodwork and insist that Angelina can't say those words to Brad because she's still obsessed by an all-consuming love for her. And Angelina gave a little quote about her thoughts about Brad before he divorced wifey Jennifer Aniston:

"I think the world knew before I did (that I loved him) "We'd had such fun filming - shooting guns, riding bikes together - that I could have guessed. (That I was in love with a married man while shooting Mr and Mrs Smith) "By there's a lot more to him than people would assume. He's much more 'man' than any other man I've ever met. (duh!)"

The little notes in brackets are from me. I'd think it was so cute if she hadn't been talking about a married man...that totally ruins the happily ever after fairytale story.

We know that while Brad Pitt is playing happy families (well, mostly happy) with Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston hasn't had the same luck in the dating apartment as her ex-husband. The actress has gotten a new boyfriend and his name is Brad. Well, it's Bradley Cooper (that's him above you, looking strikingly handsome), but it's obvious that she can't seem to let go of the memory of Brad. And the new Brad is in the process of divorcing his wife too, and her name is Jennifer. Um, Jen? Isn't that telling you he already hates all women called Jennifer? Jennifer was surprised by the coincidences, and the obvious source says: "Jen was amazed and laughing at the fact that they might have been in a Twilight Zone scene about parallel worlds colliding," Is it just me or are there a lot of people named Source in Hollywood? Just joking...I know his first name is Close. So let's analyse this, because I like wasting time. Jennifer is going out with a man named Brad...before, she was going out with a British model who shared quite a lot of physical resemblances with Brad Pitt...so what was Vince Vaughn? Brad Pitt's alter-ego?