The Hottie and the Nottie star, Paris Hilton, has somehow managed to pass herself off as a modern day sex symbol, despite her hawkish nose, gorilla feet and wonky eyes. However it seems not everyone is fooled.

Portuguese football (It’s football people. Not soccer. And American football isn’t really football either. It’s rugby with shoulder pads) star, Christiano Ronaldo, is currently recuperating from pissing off his manager and an ankle injury by hitting up every club in Los Angeles. It was there that the wonky eyed one’s eyes fell upon the twinkle-toed star and she rushed towards him.

Squeezing through the throng of women already surrounding Nike’s most beloved sportsman (And by Nike… I mean the sports company… Not the Greek goddess.) she tried to chat up the Portugeezer. When he ignored her she took drastic measures.

“At one point, she pushed her chest together and made a point of trying to snuggle up against him.”

However her boobs were not enough to attract the attention of a man already surrounded by a 100 others and so Paris Hilton skulked off and slept with some drunk guy.

How does Paris Hilton get anyone (not drunk) to sleep with her? I mean… everyone knows she has every STD known to modern man plus some. I mean… sure she’s going out with Benji Madden… But he must just be happy that he get’s to touch a girl so he doesn’t really count.

Do you think her master plan is to infect every person in Los Angeles with herpes before opening a clinic that deals exclusively in Valtrex?

… Nah. She’s just a whore.