Brazilian supermodel, Alessandra Ambrosio, has announced that she is expecting her first child with (*sob*) Jamie… In case you haven’t guessed… I’m not Jamie (*sob*).

(By the way… *sob*… means my tears of anguish… I’m not calling Jamie a son of a… y’know… Although I think it is quite an apt description of the man.)

The Victoria Secret model writes on her blog,

“I would like to announce some really great news! My boyfriend (*sob*) Jamie and I were surprised in the beginning of the year with some delightful news that we are expecting our first child together!

“This is a dream come true and a really special moment in our lives! I’m very happy to say that our baby looks healthy (in hospital scans) and that we are really excited to be mom and dad and raising a child together.”

(That *sob* wasn’t really in the original post… I just put it there to capture the extent of my anguish)

… You know… It’s always nice when people are pregnant (*sob*)… but why did she have to break the news like this? “I would like to announce some really great news!” ?!!! What’s wrong with you woman!? Don’t you realize that I can never go into the bathroom with a magazine that has your face on it ever again?! I feel so guilty looking at other people’s mums.

Jamie Mazur you fool with your sh*t denim jeans! Haven’t you heard of a condom?!

(If you haven’t guessed the fornicator sells jeans at campuses all over America)