SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Remember Kurt Cobain? That guy that was considered one of the greatest rock stars in history? Remember his wife? That crazy b*tch that made him kill himself (I know it’s not true… but it’s my blog… so… nyah nyah)?

Yeah… Well she has problems (Kurt Cobain doesn’t. He’s dead… in case you’ve been cryogenically frozen for the last 14 years).

Well…Courtney Love went to the LAPD this weekend to report a crazy gang of thieves that managed to rack up 188 credit cards, piles of checks and a couple of cars… all in Courtney’s name.

Except… She’s crazy so… TMZ.com reports,

We’ve confirmed Love did make the trek to the Van Nuys division of the LAPD to make a report last week, but sources tell us they are not taking it seriously, one source adding, “it never happened.”

We’re told mentally, Courtney has been on the rocks. We found out she’s been diagnosed with bipolar disorder — this could explain Courtney’s latest blogs which are impossible to decipher.

You know how I knew she was lying? When she said that someone was stealing her identity.

I mean… Who wants to go into a bank and say, “I’m Courtney Love”?

Even if the thieves did that, the next thing the bank manager would say would be, “You’re Courtney Love? The crazy b*tch that messed up Kurt Cobain? Really?”

And then the thieves would say, “Never mind” and run out of the bank…

I’m like a male Nancy Drew. Without the gay boyfriend.

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Nicole Richie, Lionel Richie’s adopted daughter, has recently increased the population of the worlds idiot’s by one, after giving birth to her and Joel Madden’s demon love child. I know it’s kind of mean for me to pick on a kid, without giving him a chance, but… look at his parents! God didn’t give this kid a chance.

Anyway, Nicole isn’t happy with the one good thing that comes from pregnancy… Massive Jugs!

She says,

“I’m bustier now, and I really don’t like it. It doesn’t really fit with my wardrobe, it’s not who I am. I am not someone who is used to wearing a bra or having to wear a bra I really don’t like it,”

“I like wearing vintage hippy see-through shirts that aren’t slutty on me because there’s nothing to look at. Now I have boobs so I can’t really wear it because it sends out a different message.”

That’s why no one likes their wife… or their baby’s mommy. Before the guy agreed to be her bitch for life, She would always dress pretty and put on some nice perfume and make up… After the guy gives up his freedom, the only time the woman will put on make up is when she goes out with her own friends… So other guys can make moves on her and make her “feel sexy”.

Oh How I despise commitment.

NOTE: I understand the same can be applied to males… But men are stupid… If they wear fresh underwear every day, they’re doing you a favour. Because I promise you he didn’t used to do it before he committed himself to you.

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Sheryl Crow has moved to correct rumors that Jennifer Aniston was dumped by Brad Pitt (two and a half years ago… but who’s keeping count, right?), when he went off to fornicate and reproduce with Angelina Jolie.

Crow says,

“For both of us, the perceived idea is that, in our big relationships, we both got dumped. Believe me, this is not true,

Neither one of us has ever gotten dumped. No one ever knows what goes on in relationships. Unfortunately, for some people like Jennifer and me, so much is written about things that you don’t say, and so many emotions are attributed to you that you haven’t had,”

Another friend lend credence to the story, informing that bastion of honesty The National Enquirer that,

“Once Jen saw the writing on the wall, she dumped Brad. She took a cold, hard look at her marriage and realised it was irretrievably broken,

She and Brad had vastly different personal agendas and feelings about love, career and having a family.”

Unlike other bloggers, I don’t act like Jennifer Aniston is hideously deformed (Although Sheryl Crow definitely is… with that weird transvestite face, and scary spindly legs that look like they were a part of a group… of 8. I’m not saying that Sheryl Crow was born an Arachnid. I’m just throwing the possibility out there.), however like other bloggers (and people) I genuinely believe that she should just move on.

I mean… Brad’s repopulating the planet due to his (seemingly) frequent unprotected sex with Ms. Jolie, while Jennifer Aniston and her buddies are still going on about what a survivor she is.

Jennifer Aniston if you say that Brad dumped you. Fine. If you say that you sleep better at night without the guy from Fight Club next to you. Fine. If you say that Angelina Jolie mentally raped Brad Pitt with voodoo torture before she stole him away from you. fine.

Can you and your buds please shut up now? I’m tired of reporting a celebrity divorce case that happened almost three years ago. It makes me remember better days.

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Dwayne Johnson better known as “The Rock” is set to sign up for the 20th Century Fox comedy, “The Tooth Fairy,” which starts filming this summer. He’ll be playing a regular guy who finds himself in the strange predicament of having to save the tooth fairy kingdom.

… Wow. That sucks. Talk about humiliation. I bet the Rock didn’t think he’d be doing stuff like this while he was “beating up” those people on WWE.

Still. I’m guessing coming home to a multi million Dollar paycheck will numb the pain. And get him a couple of high class hookers.

Ooh! And a Nintendo Wii! You have to get a Nintendo Wii… I mean, once you start acting in Tooth Fairy movies you might as well trade in your machismo and get a Wii. Mario Galaxy is great!

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Simon Cowell, judge and producer of the trash that is American Idol, has admitted to recieving Botox injections in order to maintain his… ummm… looks…

…right.

Glamour UK reports,

“To me, Botox is no more unusual than toothpaste,” said the 48-year-old American Idol. “It works, you do it once a year – who cares?”

He won’t, however, endorse erectile dysfunction drug Viagra even after being offered about $2 million. It was “a f—ing insult”.

He also had a dig at the current lot of Hollywood actresses saying,

“The current crop of actresses – Nicole Kidman and Kate Bosworth – they’re just nothing. There’s nothing to fancy or fantasize about there.”

I despise him. And not because he’s rich and famous… It’s because he’s a self indugent hack. And no one on this blog say that he’s cool because he’s “bad ass”. It’s not “bad ass” to sit behind a desk flanked by two seven foot bodyguards and say mean things to skinny woman and homosexuals (See what I did there? I said there are no heterosexual males on American Idol… I’m controversial).

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The president of the International Narcotics Control Board (The U.N’s drug watchdog) has slammed governments for treating celebrities that take drugs, too lightly. Philip Emafo said that when celebrities took illegal drugs, it glamorised narcotics abuse. He made this statement when the INCB released it’s annual report, which called for the targetting of top drug dealers.

Emafo says,

“Celebrities are often involved in illicit drug trafficking or in illicit drug use and this is glamorised,

If, indeed, they have committed offences they should be dealt with.”

It’s a brave message, I think. But at the end of the day if a person does drugs because celebrities do it than they probably deserve to die of an overdose.

Just like the people that vote for Barack Obama because there’s a video on youtube where all the celebs just chant Obama like a mini Hitler club. Yes, I was undecided before but now my decisions been made! How could it not be, when a bunch of overpaid, high school dropouts, with an over inflated sense of self-worth chant Obama into a camera? How I say!?*

*I definitely stole that joke from somewhere… I just can’t seem to remember where.

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Yesterday it was reported that Paris was seen with a shaman who proceeded to “bless her” before Paris gave away a necklace to an astonished passer by… It’s all a lie! The shaman in question, turns out to be an actor named Maxie Santillan, who has appeared in The Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

Says TMZ.com,

Her “Guru” that has supposedly changed her life is actually a Hollywood actor.

His name is Maxie Santillan. He’s starred in tons of films and TV shows including “My Name is Earl” and “Pirates of the Caribbean.” According to IMDB, Maxie’s latest projects are all in “post production” so clearly he has enough free time to whore it up for Paris.

BTW, Maxie’s MySpace profile quote makes it clear — he’s the perfect spiritual guide for Paris. It reads, “Burbank can kiss my a**.”

Sometimes I sit and wonder… Is Paris really and evil genius, that does these seemingly stupid things to make sure she stays in the news? And then thunder flashes behind me as I bend my fingers into the famous “finger pyramid of evil” and sit at my big study table made of oak and sit in quiet contemplation… But then I say… surely no one can be that smart? She’s probably so stupid that at times she falls off the edge of stupidity and for a few fleeting seconds she touches uber geniues… and so life is sweet again.

… All this while Paris is scheming away. Like a rat… or something that schemes… like an older sister that gives her younger brother wedgies, maybe?

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Director Eli Roth has vowed to start getting botox treatments after he was rejected by… wait for it… Lindsay Lohan (!!??!!), for being too old. Roth was dining in the Polo Lounge at the Beverley Hills Hotel when Lindsay Lohan and a friend walked past.

He completes the story on his blog,

“I was having drinks with a friend at the Beverly Hills Hotel the other night, and Lindsay Lohan walked by our booth with a girlfriend, checking us out. She then went out to the bathroom, turned around, came back and walked by us again, and mumbled to her friend ‘too old,’ and kept walking. Now - she’s absolutely correct - but it was still pretty f***ing hilarious. Especially since we were in the Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel - where the average age is 97. If you look too old in there you’re f***ed! Time to hit the Botox. Now I’m in bed with bronchitis from not getting enough sleep last week. Maybe Lindsay’s right!”

As you can all tell, this story is obviously a complete fabrication. I mean… Lindsay Lohan turning down sex? With a human? Who’s kinda rich? Impossible!

Eli Roth probably wants to get Botox treatment and is just using Lindsay’s name as a scapegoat. I hate it when people make up lies about the defenseless Lindsay Lohan. Especially such blatant ones. As a blogger who aims to be completely honest with his readers most of the time sometimes from time to time, I bet Lindsay Lohan wasn’t even there… She was probably in some 90 year old guys bath room… doing stuff. Gross stuff.

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I’ve always thought of Kade Hudson as a boring sort… I think most of us did… Except maybe Owen Wilson. But yesterday she came out with one of the greatest celebrity quotes of all time.

During an interview with Elle Magazine Hudson was asked about the Greys Anatomy star, to which she replied,

“Who is she? Oh, that girl in 27 Dresses? I just don’t think about that stuff.”

I have to applaud Kate Hudson. Heigl has to be the most untalented hack to ever hit Hollywood, no charisma, mediocre looks, below average acting. It feels good see her taken down a peg.

I don’t think I’ve seen a more epic burn since I went into my English class and my teacher asked me, “What the f*** are you doing here?” and I was all like, “Your mum”.

HAHAHAHAHAHA… umm… HAHAHAHAHA…. umm… Why aren’t you laughing?

Fine. Don’t laugh. I guess you had to be there. Comedy snobs.

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Heidi Montag, better known as “that blonde from that shit show”, is apparently in big trouble along with her boyfriend Spencer Pratt after she sent out tapes to radio stations that contained a duet with her and Britney Spears. No, she’s not in trouble due to the massive amount of Computer power that must’ve been used to make the two voices even vaguely legible to the human ears… She’s in trouble because… Well because Britney didn’t even know that she was singing a duet with Ms. Montag. And not because she was high or anything.

Reports (I have no idea where this came from… could be just some kid in the garage) say,

Heidi and Spencer got their hands on an unreleased demo track of one of Britneys songs recorded a couple years ago, and added Heidis vocals to the track, they then sent it to radio stations claiming it was an official duet.

Not true, Britneys people found out and released this statment:

“It’s not authorized and it wasn’t set up in any way and they never spent any time together in the studio. This was never a planned song or duet in any way.”

I can’t get my head around the fact that two people can be so stupid… What were they expecting? That record companies that seem to pursue suing people as a random past time would just happily clap and say, “God, you’re talented Heidi. And Spencer… You’re so brawny and dreamy… Here’s a record deal.”?

I can’t wait till these two get sued and have to come in front of the court. Heidi will just start to cry about how the judge is jealous that a small town girl with fake boobs can achieve success and Mr. Pratt will just go on about how the judge is picking on him because he’s a minority.

Should be fun.

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