SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Lindsay Lohan, who enjoyed a great holiday... I meant rehabilitation... at Cirque Lodge recently, before coming back to Hollywood and drinking herself into a stupor to forget said hol - Sorry rehabilitation, told People.com that the only reason she ended up in rehab in the first place was due to a "lack of focus". She says,

"I think it was just situations that I was putting myself in. I was putting myself in the wrong situations and I didn't have the focus in the right place."

Why does she have to try and explain these things? Do people really care? I mean... I don't know about other people... but me? I don't care at all. I'm a bitter, self righteous, friendless, lifeless, dead inside, blogger... I have to be mean... If Lindsay said she went to rehab because a bomber told her he'd bomb America if she didn't... I'd still laugh at her... Hell, If Lindsay saved all the people on the Titanic, invented a cure for AIDS and healed the blind, I'd call her a selfish cow for not doing enough to help the African people... Like Angelina Jolie does... you know... with her rack... I guess she used to help them... Now she's just irritatingly skinny.

Owen Wilson has apparently gotten tired of having sex with the pretty (yet sadly boobless) Kate Hudson and has moved on t pastures... umm... less green, shall we say. Reports from the set of Wilson's new movie, Marley and Me, say that he is having a ball of a time with... wait for it... Jennifer Aniston! Star Reports,

"The hugging didn't end when the cameras stopped rolling," one crew member tells Star. "They were very flirty together, far more than you would expect. In between takes they were hanging onto each other. They are very friendly."

I have a hard time believing this is true. Sure, Kate Hudson's no supermodel... But she's still miles ahead of Jennifer Aniston. And didn't Owen Wilson try and kill himself because Kate Hudson dumped his ass? Perhaps he has a death wish? ...I'm becoming a really good detective of late... Any one else think I should change the sites name to Soggy Sleuths? ... And as I become a better detective the jokes get worse and worse... Sorry readers... I'll try harder tomorrow...

Dun Dun Dun... Don't you love the starting music from The Exorcist? It's so wonderfully creepy... kinda like Amy Winehouse. Who coincidentally happens to need an exorcism. According to Reverend Bob Larson anyway. The good reverend is currently promoting his show, The Real Exorcist, in America and feels Amy Winehouse could be a prime candidate for a celebrity guest role on the show. He says,

"She is obviously suffering from drug addictions and other problems but the likelihood is that is not all. People are more susceptible to being possessed when they have bruised souls and I think Amy is a classic example. A lot of the time people appear utterly ordinary to the outside world but inside they are in living hell."

(Yes... Amy Winehouse looks so utterly ordinary to the outside world) He also feels he could help Britney Spears saying,

“Britney is another classic example. She obviously has multiple personalities which is another tell-tale sign.”

...So this guy makes money... from this... show? Wouldn't that be against the churches latest "jazzing up" of the seven deadly sins? You know, the one where it says "ye may not hoard excessive wealth"? I suppose he's like me. I too stuck my finger up at the church when they told me to stop hoarding excessive wealth... What? I did tell the Church to leave me and my family fortune alone! (See what I did there? I acted like I was rich, so some girl would post her number in the comments along with a sexy comment like "call me" or "sniff my underwear" and by the time she realizes that I'm actually poor and doing the most boring degree ever in university she'll feel bad for me and we'll engage in pity sexual congress... I love the way my foul little mind works!!!)

Milo Ventimiglia, the guy who's supposedly dating Hayden Panettiere apparently doesn't know it yet. In a recent interview with Cosmopolitan (*cough* gay *cough*) Ventimiglia made some comments that were very unbecoming of someone who was having sex with Hayden Panettiere. When asked about whether he gets nervous on dates, he said,

Yes. I’ve been single for a year and a half. It’s tough being witty for two hours.

Finally some good news today. Of course he could just be hiding the truth from the Paps. But why would he do that? If I was dating Hayden Panettiere (or any woman that wasn't hideously deformed) I'd be screaming it from the roof tops. Just in case he is telling the truth, here's what Hayden had to say about what she looks for in a guy,

I have to be with someone who’s driven. When they’re not, it becomes difficult. In a lot of relationships, you get in and you spend every waking moment with that person. But I’ve figured out that the healthiest relationship is where you each have your own life, but they meet in a nice point in the middle.

I guess that rules me out... unless... does being driven to stuff your hard drive with as many minutes of free internet porn count? Because if it does... I'm totally in! Totally! (In all honesty, I didn't used to think Hayden was hot. But than she got famous, and people started calling her hot... So now I do too. I'm a pathetic sheep-like blogger... Wait! Don't go! I have some of my own views! Like... umm... Gisele Bundchen has a weird man face... see? Even The Bastardly guy agrees with me.. Oh... Crap... You can go now... Just come back tomorrow... Please.)

The bad news keeps rolling in... OC Star, Rachel Bilson, who is rumoured to be dating The man who single-handedly ruined Star Wars (TM), Hayden Christensen, says that she is ready to leave Hollywood and settle down in the role of a mom. She says,

"I've always been a really maternal person. I really want a family. I love the career I have chosen, but I'd be quite happy as a housewife, at home with the kids. I think I'd be really content."

One has to ask... Why can't Hayden Christensen retire? He can't act* and he kinda looks like a woman and Hayden is a sexually ambiguous name. It's a perfect arrangement! ... I'm a brilliant problem solver. Sometimes I think I should join the U.N and y'know... maybe solve the Israel-Palestine conflict... World hunger... stuff like that. But than I think the need is greater here... at home. Otherwise, who's going to find the TV remote and deduce exactly what time the match is on relative to GMT? *Not that Rachel Bilson can act. I just think her face is a lot more marketable than Hayden Christensen... a LOT more... I mean the difference between the back of a movie theater filled with masturbating pre-pubescent boys... or nothing.

Brazilian supermodel, Alessandra Ambrosio, has announced that she is expecting her first child with (*sob*) Jamie... In case you haven't guessed... I'm not Jamie (*sob*). (By the way... *sob*... means my tears of anguish... I'm not calling Jamie a son of a... y'know... Although I think it is quite an apt description of the man.) The Victoria Secret model writes on her blog,

"I would like to announce some really great news! My boyfriend (*sob*) Jamie and I were surprised in the beginning of the year with some delightful news that we are expecting our first child together! "This is a dream come true and a really special moment in our lives! I'm very happy to say that our baby looks healthy (in hospital scans) and that we are really excited to be mom and dad and raising a child together."

(That *sob* wasn't really in the original post... I just put it there to capture the extent of my anguish) ... You know... It's always nice when people are pregnant (*sob*)... but why did she have to break the news like this? "I would like to announce some really great news!" ?!!! What's wrong with you woman!? Don't you realize that I can never go into the bathroom with a magazine that has your face on it ever again?! I feel so guilty looking at other people's mums. Jamie Mazur you fool with your sh*t denim jeans! Haven't you heard of a condom?! (If you haven't guessed the fornicator sells jeans at campuses all over America)

Her head I mean... She likes her head so far up her butt...Not... y'know... other things... Sicko's. So... Apparently People Magazine have agreed to pay 6 million Dollars for the "privilege" of publishing photo's of the Lopez/Antony litter... Oh... and they have to stop calling J.Lo, J.Lo. Stop Calling Jennifer Lopez, J.Lo I mean... In case you got confused by all the J.Lo's.

TMZ has learned not only has Jennifer Lopez sold her baby pics to People mag for a cool $6 mil -- she got the mag to agree to stop calling her J.Lo! A source tells TMZ J.Lo made the deal and threw in the moniker clause as well. We're also told J.Lo instructed People, in addition to the loot and the name thing, that her hubby, Annie Leibovitz wannabe Marc Anthony, has to be the one to shoot the photos."

She wasn't happy with 6 million Dollars? For photo's of her (probably) weird looking kids? Give me 6 million Dollars and you can have my kids. Not now... But y'know... When they come... Or maybe you can let me guess you're name... and if I do I can keep my kids... Nah... That sounds too troublesome... Keep the kids. NOTE: As you can see, I called J.Lo, J.Lo about 7 times so far in my post. I think this proves what we (The 5 regular readers of this blog) already know. Me >>>> People Magazine.

John Mayer posted a rather scathing entry on his blog... ummm... a week ago (Fine, I'm delayed... Contrary to popular opinion I don't spend my whole day on the internet surfing celebrity blogs... I spend my whole day on the internet surfing pornographic material). The entry is supposed to refer to that vacuum of intelligence that is Jessica Simpson. It says,

Dear Ex Lover, Perhaps you didn't understand the last time I told you to stop contacting me, so I'll do my best to spell it out for you. I do not wish to have you in my life anymore. I don't know how much more clear I can be about it. It would serve you best to move on with your life and find someone who can put up with you, because I'm done trying. I hope this is enough closure for you. Goodbye. P.S. If you need me, you know how to find me.

Charming. I, personally, will gladly take Jessica Simpson off his hands as long as she agrees to support me for life... If not for life maybe we can work out a "K-Fed arrangement" i.e she can support me for most of my adult life. Sure she's as dumb as a brick... But what's having to explain a few fart jokes in exchange for a life of luxury and relaxation? So... Ms. Simpson... Call me when Tony Romo dumps you. I'll undertake to explain that joke in the movie when all you heard was "prrrrttt"... Not the rest of the movie though... I'm not that masochistic.

Britney's (former?) pap boyfriend, Adnan Ghalib, stopped by the singers gated community to see her yesterday. Unsurprisingly, he was turned away at the door, prompting him to take out his iPhone and start looking at pictures of Britney. TMZ.com reports,

The security guard turned Adnan away -- who immediately had to hear about the rejection from the surrounding paps.

I get why he got rejected... What I don't get is why he suddenly took out his phone to start looking at pictures of Britney Spears... What was he trying to get across? Was he... a)Trying to act like a love shorn teenager (creepy)? b)Or a crazy stalker (even more creepy)? c)Or is he just one of those douchebags that take out their iPhones to prove what douchebags they are? I'm guessing option c)... My guess is based on the bum fluff he has on his face.

On Saturday, 911 received a call from someone which asked them to get to Heather Locklear’s house ASAP, because she was about to attempt suicide. The call however did not originate from Heather’s home and when the Fire Department got there, she was found to be alive… and well… alive. Heather Locklear's rep issued the following statement to TMZ

"[I] spoke with Heather and she is fine. She never requested medical assistance and did not place a 911 call. Nor did anyone from her house call 911 or place a call requesting medical assistance."

… Well… That was an anticlimax. Not that I wanted her dead or anything… Just thought it would be cool… y’know… If she had come out with an axe or something… and started speaking Latin… And… umm… attacking firemen while calling them by their first names… and telling them she was going to eat their kids... also calling them by their first names... Yeah… I guess not. Boring.