SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Madonna has asked the press to lay off fallen popstar Britney Spears, because her daughter, the weirdly named Lourdes, feels sorry for her. Madonna says,

"(The media) need to step off. For real... Let's go save her. (Lourdes) knows Britney, but she doesn't really watch TV or read gossip stuff. I think she sort of gets the drift of what's going on, and I think she feels very protective of Britney."

People have been making fun of Britney incessantly for the last 3 years. In this period, she's lost her career, her husband, her children and her last remaining smidgens of self respect. And now... after Britney's lost it all... Madonna wants the press to stop? Because her daughter doesn't like it? Really? God this b*tch is crazy vain. Someone needs to judo chop her. Or stab her. Or gun her down in cold blood. Or sit down and explain to her that the world doesn't revolve around her inflated head contrary to what her hubby tells her. Whatever.

A family source tells People Magazine that mini-moron Jamie Lynn Spears is engaged to the father of her baby, Casey Aldridge. Even though previous reports had suggested that the Spears family wasn't happy at the thought of an underage Jamie Lynn getting married, but when your older daughter is losing it, a little engagement doesn't harm anyone. The source reports,

"She's got an engagement ring. She's been showing it off, talking about it."

Casey was the president of his high school class and now lays pipes for a living in his small Mississippi town. Could they be any more White trash? I thought class presidents were supposed to be pegged for success and Ivy League colleges. No official confirmation has been received and no one knows when the wedding is supposed to be.

Katie Holmes is apparently buckling under the pressure of being a gay dwarfs wife (Note the disclaimer... You can't sue me Tom! I already said it's probably a lie! Ha! You Homosexual midget!). Holmes is said to be suffering from migraines and dizzy spells. Star Magazine reports,

When Katie recently lunched at her favorite restaurant, L.A.'s Joan's on Third, it was obvious that something was terribly wrong. She seemed exhausted, her skin was pale, and she looked feeble and emaciated. "She gave us a weak smile and wave before leaving out the back door," says an eyewitness at the restaurant. Once outside, a confused and unsteady Katie braced herself against the doorframe before her bodyguard carefully guided her into a waiting SUV."

You know what this reminds me of? Rosemary's Baby... apart from the obvious awesomeness that was Rosemary's Baby. I'm not saying that Tom Cruise is the devil or that Suri is the Anti-Christ. I'm just saying we should kill them before they take over the world in their reign of evil.

Former model, high-class hooker and general one-legged-greed-machine (TM), Heather Mills, is still fuming that she managed to "only" squeeze 48 million Dollars out of the pockets of Paul McCartney in their divorce suit. Now Heather is out to get more cash from Sir Paul, by hiring forensic Accountants to ascertain that McCartney is worth far more than 400 Million Pounds. She says that he cannot possibly expect her to support their child on the measly 70000 Dollar annual allowance granted to her by the court. ... Wow... That child is screwed. I mean... Really screwed. It'd be better off raised by Michael Jackson. In the jungle. Surrounded by Wolves. And Malaria carrying mosquitoes. Without TV. You read that right... The child would be raised better by Michael Jackson in the jungle surrounded by hungry wolves and mosquitoes... without TV. I don't want to call Heather Mills a gold digger but... Wait... Actually I do. So I will. Gold Digger! It felt good to get that off my chest.

Australian Model Kristy Hinze, 27, recently married a 63 year old, wrinkled, pot bellied man... for his brains. The former Sports Illustrated model says she was attracted to Jim Clark because he was so "intelligent". Oh... and he's a billionaire... That doesn't mean anything. Obviously. I'm just throwing it out there. Hinze says,

'To me, it was different to hang out with someone with something to say that was so interesting and important and who was truly, incredibly intelligent,' 'He's very normal and down to earth,'He's an incredible man and I just love him.'

I wish some model woman could look beyond all my obvious flaws (snigger) and y'know... love me. For my (snigger) intelligence (snigger). This Jim Clark is a lucky fellow... I mean... How does a 63 year old guy who probably can't remember how his penis works get a girl like that? Anyone? Anyone? Note: The answer is a billion Dollars by the way. Although I'm pretty sure you could do the same with a hundred million.

The Hills star (ha!) Spencer Pratt has recently decided to expand the field of his talents (ha!) by starting an advice service at Radar Online, called Yo Spencer! (You f*cking Class A Douche). A question this week goes like this (I shamefully stole this story from dlisted.com),

YO SPENCER! I just started dating this guy who I really like. The other night, we went out and got hammered. I ended up passing out in his bed. When I woke up, I discovered that I had wet the bed. I was so embarrassed that I left while he was still asleep. If I call him, do I have to apologize or can I pretend it never happened? Or do I have to wait for him to call me? Wow! This is a situation you do not want to find yourself in. I personally would never want to be with a girl who gets so wasted that she's pissing in bed. It's time to sign up for AA, my dear, because drunks are not sexy. Regardless, if the guy's really, really, really cool, he might understand. But I wouldn't count on it. Best bet is to be honest and tell him that was the drunkest you've ever been and that it was a huge mistake and it'll never happen again. And make sure you buy him new sheets.

Firstly... Anyone that asks this idiot for advice needs to be slapped. Bitch slapped. Really, really hard. I mean... What were the people at Radar thinking? "Hey... you know that idiot from that shit show? Let's give him an advice column so he can ruin lives."? And secondly... He is wrong. Drunks are sexy. Drunks are awesome. They sometimes let me do things to them. Other times they just vomit on my clothes... Sometimes risks have to be taken. Note: It's not actually awesome to be drunk. It's just awesome to... y'know... interact with drunks. If you think it's awesome to be drunk... Than you're probably gonna die soon. Can I have your computer? Mine keeps crashing.

Jamie Lee Curtis is intent on staying in the spotlight, despite the fact that the last watchable thing that she's done was playing Dina Lohan in Freaky Friday 7 years ago (Get it? Dina Lohan is Lindsay's mum? She played Lindsay's mum? Keep up people!). So she's apparently decided to take her kit off and swim in a pool for a magazine shoot to show us how awesome it is to be old. She tells AARP magazine (A magazine exclusively read by the elderly as they await the cold hands of death),

"I want to be older, I actually think there's an incredible amount of self-knowledge that comes with getting older. I feel way better now than I did when I was 20. I'm stronger, I'm smarter in every way, I'm so much less crazy than I was then."

Pfft. You might be stronger and smarter... but you have wrinkles... and your boobs sag... And you have creepy white hair... And instead of acting in brilliant movies like Halloween you act in shite like Christmas with the Kranks. Yeah... Growing old is an adventure. A terriffic adventure. Still I guess it's better than the you were born, eh Jamie? You know with the penis and all? (Read the disclaimer... You can't sue me for lying! Hah!)

Did you notice that every other blog was updating over the Easter weekend? What a bunch of heathens! Can't they take some time out to appreciate the fact that Jesus died this weekend? Like I did? Admittedly it would probably be much more believable if I were a Christian... But instead I just look lazy. In my mind however, I look like someone who respects all religions... My next holiday will be Eid. Shweet. Anyway. If anyone missed it, there was a big furore over the last couple of days due to a grainy porn video that allegedly showed Lindsay Lohan doing what she does at auditions. And not acting... If you get my drift. And if you don't get my drift you should probably crawl into a corner and quietly slash your wrists. Or stop reading celebrity gossip. Or read lots of SoggyCornflakes so you can start getting my drift. Whatever. The problem was that the slut in the video wasn't Lindsay Lohan. Just another no name porn star... However the Sun didn't get the memo and released a story in which they say Lindsay Lohan blasted her ex boyfriend Calum Best for releasing the video. The Sun says that Lindsay said to Calum Best,

"I can't believe you would ever f***ing do this to me, I should have listened to everyone," "I should never have f***ing trusted you," "It's everywhere now, all over the net, everyone's seen it, how f***ing could you?"

... Great journalism there. Find a false story and extract another false story from it. And then have an innocent blogger blog about said false story about a false story. What's the world coming to? God, I need my Teddy. And my porn collection. Sometimes when the world gets a little too rough, there's nothing better than watching people have sex. In the long run, you probably end up in hell... Where all the porn stars are! High Five! ... God hates me, doesn't he?

Does this have anything to do with Ashley Simpson? Unfortunately not but it would have a whole lot more sense. Singer Pete Wentz went into a depressed phase when his band Fall Out Boy became successful. Yeah, that makes sense. Reminds me of the time I threw myself under a bus when I won the lottery. Why should I enjoy success when I could die? Pete says he was prescribed a cocktail of anti-depressants for his symptoms but instead of a cocktail, he went for the keg of anti-depressants and locked himself into his car.

"I got in my car. I remember I was listening to Jeff Buckley doing Leonard Cohen's 'Hallelujah' and sat there and took a bunch of Adavan in a Best Buy parking lot." "And I called up my manager because at that point I was completely out of my head with Adavan I was talking to him and I was slurring my words so he called my mom and my mom called me and she came and got me and we went to the hospital and then I came home and we realized that we needed to do more than just keep your head above the water…"

And that reminds of the time I tried to drown myself when I got my first paycheck...like you need those in the afterlife, hah!

Will Smith has quickly moved to quash rumours linking him with the Church of Scientology. Smith, who has been spending an increasing amount of time with The Crazy Dwarf Man (TM) has been the target of conversion rumours, but the Ali star says,

"You don't have to be Jewish to be a friend of Steven Spielberg. You don't have to be a Muslim to be a friend of Muhammad Ali. And you don't have to be a Scientologist to be a friend of Tom Cruise. I am a Christian. I am a student of all religions. And I respect all people and all paths."

You know... I believe in respecting all religions. Even though most of them tell me I'm going to hell (Thanks for that by the way, God)... But I'm not sure... Does Scientology deserve respect in that way? I mean... It's so clearly a sham... And yet they have so many followers... I mean people follow Jesus and Mohammad (Peace be upon them both... See? I'm classy!) without ever having met them... But so many people met L Ron Hubbard and no one ever said that he fed an entire Scientology convention with a single bowl of soup... I mean... Even I've fed an entire room with one bowl of soup. I even had left overs! The key? Serve it really cold and tell everyone it was prepared last week... Voila! Everyone's appetite is suddenly quenched.