SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Ukranian’s have become the latest victim of “Simpson-Mania” joining Tony Romo and the hobo on the street who agreed to say “I love Jessica Simpson” for 10 Dollars (He drove a hard bargain… He wanted a 100 but I wore him down with my master negotiating skills… I still think he robbed me though… It’s sounded suspiciously like Jessi Klingon… But I guess drunk people can’t speak that clearly.), Simpson’s latest movie Blonde Ambition scored the number 1 spot in Ukraine beating out the likes of No Country for Old Men and Fools Gold.
Conor Bresnan, editor in chief of Box Office Mojo International, told People.

“The former Soviet nations have a sweet tooth for straight-up comedies, When these comedies have big name celebrities like Jessica Simpson’s, that’s all that’s needed to sell the movie. Russian and Ukrainian audiences have an even bigger urge for escapism than Americans. So, films like ‘Blonde Ambition’ will gross more than ‘No Country for Old Men.’”

Escapism? Surely he means pain… vast immeasurable amounts of searing pain as you watch Jessica Simpson miss punch line after punch line before finally everything comes together for our tough working class small town girl, who is ultimately rewarded for raping comedy by getting a man.

I obviously didn’t watch it. I was too busy rewatching… Die Hard… Yes… A Die Hard marathon…

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Finally!

Jennifer Lopez is reported to have checked into North Shore University Hospital in Long Island, New York as she prepares to give birth to two Skeletor-ian kids. Lopez, has supposedly had the room booked for the last 2 weeks, forcing thousands if not millions of mothers to give birth to their kids in the hallway (I assume).

A source tells Page Six. A patient at the hospital told the site she overheard excited staff members exclaiming,

“J.Lo is here,”

These nurses are bloody stupid… getting all excited because J.Lo showed up.

Not that I wouldn’t be excited. I would. But only because I look forward to punching her in her face really hard. It’s not like her 5′6 hubby can do anything to me, He’s only about 2 inches taller than me!

Sure her bodyguards might get all aggressive but I’ll just say, “What had to be done was done, and there is nothing more that can be done”. And than we’ll all nod sagely as Jennifer Lopez attends to her own broken nose.

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Actually she didn’t say that… But don’t you think that’s exactly what she’d say if you asked her? To maintain her cool “punk rock” image y’know.

She’s like a pretty Gene Simmons, if Gene Simmons were a douchebag… Which he probably is. I really don’t follow bands that were when my dad was trying to get rid of me… *ahem*… by himself… If you know what I mean. You know… Before I was born…*

Anyway.

Avril Lavigne has denied rumours that she is pregnant despite the fact that she was out baby shopping with her husband fellow faux “rock” star, Deryck Whibley. Despite her assertations Avril made a point to cover her belly as she left the store.

… So she’s pregnant? Because she was shopping in a baby store? Whatever. I don’t even think Avril can have babies… I mean… surely she tore out her ovaries in a drug fuelled rage… what with her being a “rock star” and all…

No? Well than I’d guess Mr. and Mrs. Whibley are into some really weird shit that involves diapers and dummies…

God that’s a disgusting thought (Because of Mr. Whibley… I have to admit I’m strangely partial to Mrs. Whibley).

*Pssst… I mean… wanking

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In 2005, following the “success” of Newlyweds and Dukes of Hazzard Jessica Simpson did what any self respecting actress whose “career” is about to go in the shitter would do… She made an exercise video for Speedfit!

However seeing that it’s Jessica Simpson the video obviously sucked and therefore she made her one good decison of the last decade… To not release the video.

However it seems Speedfit aren’t prepared to allow Jessica Simpson to have a career and are suing her and Papa Joe for a sum close to $10 000 000.

Page Six reports,

Speedfit owner Alex Astilean sued Simpson last year for $10 million - and since she’s refused to settle, Astilean’s now suing her manager dad, Joe, as well. Astilean said, “They are hurting millions of fat people in America.”

I’m sure she is.

I mean… no fat person can lose weight without the blessings of the star of Employee of the Month and Blonde Ambition. How dare she deprive fat Americans from sitting in front of a TV eating Twinkies while watching a short blonde woman with the IQ of a peanut wearing clothes that they’ll never fit in doing exercises that they’ll never attempt all the while consoling themselves that they’re “making progress” by actually watching the tape.

Seriously, how dare she?

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Paris Hilton, the “star” of the “movie” (snicker) The Hottie and the Nottie has reportedly not been invited to the upcoming 80th Academy Awards, because of said movie.

Now Magazine claims that the organizers felt that the universally panned movie tarnished the reputation of cinema. This news comes following reports that Hilton had already splashed out on a £2m outfit by Russian designer Kira Plastinina for the event on 24 February.

A source tells the Daily Star,

‘She cried when she was banned, She’s desperate to be taken seriously as an actress and hoped she’d be able to network’

Aah! The sweet stench of failure… I know you can’t really smell it on Paris due to the stink of numerous STD’s, but if you take a deep enough whiff (And somehow don’t manage to die due to the sudden attack on your nasal cavity), I think you can get a hint of it right after the herpes smell and just before the hepatitis.

… On second thought, it’s probably a lot better if you don’t smell it.

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Dina Lohan, better known as “White Oprah”,(even) better known as Lindsay Lohan’s mother, (even) better known as that old attention seeking weirdo, says that Lindsay’s “tribute” to Marilyn Monroe was “tasteful”.

Dina Lohan tells People Magazine,

“It was very tastefully done,”

“I respect the photographer as an artist, so I look at them artistically, For him to call Lindsay 46 years later and to say, ‘Can you recreate these photos?’ is an honor. I looked at it as art, and as Lindsay doing a character. So I don’t look at them like it’s Playboy; she was being a character. So if you look at it that way, you can look at it as a mother.”

This weathered sack of bones wouldn’t know what tasteful was if it came up to her wearing a top hat, monocles and a black suit carrying a neon sign that said “tasteful”.

Unlike me. Sometimes I even speak with an English accent!

Wotcher Mate!

See? See?

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Mandy Moore attempted to put a positive spin on her being a love-less, lonely and all round sad woman who is well on the way to buying a million dollar mansion for her cats, by saying that going on a vacation alone set her “free”.

Moore says (While launching a site called www.pumpitup.com which aims to help woman find their “wellness”…Pfft… whatever),

“I was always kind of terrified of going on vacation alone. That thought really scared me, but I wanted to push that bruise and do it anyway

I ended up having the most incredible time. It was so peaceful, not having to answer to anyone or take anybody else’s opinions into account, It is empowering and it’s such a simple thing to do.”

She went on to say that she hopes women women would realize they are “worthy of taking time” for themselves, saying,

“We all struggle with finding time for ourselves between family and friends and work and all those other obligations and we neglect ourselves,”

Double Pfft… My mum has no problem finding time for me and herself in her life. She just tells me to go make my own lunch when I ask for food. She also tells me to wash my own clothes when I ask her to clean my clothes. She also tells me to clean my own room when I complain about the pigsty my room is in… She also tells me to stop calling her mum and to stop hanging around her “spot”.

It’s lucky we have that nice woman that lives with us.

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And by dirty stuff… I mean… the s word… You know… intercourse… Sorry… I can’t say it. Still affected by my highly conservative childhood.

Anyway.

Jamie Lynn Spears, the other inbred mong from the Spears clan is allegedly setting a great example for her tweeny fans, by going around and doing *it* (shudder) with any guy she can get her hands on.

A source tells Star,

I know for a fact that Casey was not the first guy she slept with — or the last,” says one fellow teen in Kentwood, La. “There were at least two others. I know that 110 percent.” Another friend says that before her pregnancy Jamie Lynn partied hard but always in private. “Some people drink to have a good time. But she drank to get wrecked. She drank to get messed up and forget about her mother, her sister and all of that.” Just days before announcing her pregnancy in December, Jamie Lynn shocked a boy at a party by asking him for sex. “It’s cool, I’m pregnant,” she said. “I can’t get pregnant again!”"

Isn’t that sweet? Can you imagine the grunts and moans coming out of room 101 at Pacific Coast Academy, before the inevitable “I’m starting to feel sick… UUUURRGGHHH…. Oh… Sorry… are you gonna eat that?”. All the while Chase will be outside, amidst his sobs I’m sure he’ll find time to touch himself.

(So what if I watch Zoey 101? I’m a television connoisseur people! I have to watch it! Also… it’s either watch that or study Applied Maths… what would you do?!)

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Initial reports say that Jennifer Lopez and her freakish looking hubby are demanding 6 million Dollars for the first glimpse of their spawn (So 3 million each?)

HollyScoop.com reports,

Jenny from the block is expected to fetch anywhere from 4-6 million dollars for exclusive rights to the photos, but you know she’s not gonna settle for less than 6. And I bet she isn’t donating a penny of that to charity like Brangelina would.

I hate her. I mean literally. I know people say you can’t hate someone you’ve never met… but I do. I think it shows the depth of my soul… Or how pathetic I am.

I hate her kids too. Any magazine that wants to pay money for her skeletor kids, can be assured that they will no longer have my patronage (Pfft… Don’t look at me like that… I read… Mostly manly stuff… I only look at those magazines for the pictures… Promise!). I’m betting it’s gonna be those pathetic suck ups at People.

*Makes mental note to stop downloading People from torrent sites

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Harry Potter stars Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson were spotted out together on Valentine’s day at an exclusive London pub. The two arrived 10pm at the Imperial Arms, Fulham, West London - A pub close to Radcliffe’s house.

An onlooker tells the mirror…

“They arrived quite late at the pub - about 10pm - and sat outside, using each other’s bodies for warmth.

“Emma, who was wearing a black top and matching pashmina, kept looking over her shoulder nervously as if she didn’t wanted to be recognised. When people started to notice the couple and began pointing, she wrapped her scarf around her head so only her eyes were peeping out.

“Daniel found her new look hysterical and started laughing. Throughout the night, in fact, he just kept giggling like a love-struck teen.

“The pair seemed totally absorbed in one another’s company, though - they were chatting and joking easily until just before closing time.

“They then left the pub, heads together and whispering, and headed in the direction of Daniel’s home nearby.”

*SPOILER ALERT*

That’s not how it’s supposed to be! No! No! No!

Hermione is supposed to be dating, marrying and making babies with Ron! Someone should have slapped that…

… I mean… I haven’t ever read Harry Potter books… Or watched the movies… Or collected the action figures… Because I’m so cool… and busy… doing stuff… with women…

So… I don’t really care… about… the people from Harry Potter… at all… not even a little bit.

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