SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Katie Holmes is still seemingly suffering from the effects of the mind control drug Tom Cruise supposedly pumped into her in 2005. In a recent interview, Katie Holmes claims that her life with Tom Cruise is a "dream come true" and claims that she could not be happier. She tells the Daily Mail,

Being in heaven was falling in love with Tom and having our daughter. I'm such a lucky woman. Sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming. It was always my dream as a child to marry Tom Cruise!" "We just went on this great date together, and it's been wonderful ever since. He's the most amazing man in the world. I'm so happy. I love him. I feel like he's made my life. "He's just amazing. He's kind, generous, smart, he's Tom Cruise - he's the most artistic man I've ever met. He makes me laugh like I've never laughed. He's made me feel joy like I never have before. There are so many things. He's the most wonderful human being I know."

There are just so many things wrong with this... But I think the highlighted portion of the quote is all that we need. It's all that we need.

Christina Aguilera was reportedly unhappy when she found out that her People Magazine shoot of her and her baby failed to ignite sales. So unhappy in fact that she went and fired her manager, an assistant and her PR Firm. Aguilera was paid an estimated 1.5 million Dollars for the pictures of her tot (Which was supposedly another reason for her anger... Because... y'know... Most people get paid at least 10 million Dollars for a picture of their kid... My parents got paid 8... But that was only because I was fat and ugly. Thanks for that God!). A Source tells New York Daily News that the actress went "crazy". ... I really don't see how it's her managers' (or her assistant's or her PR Firms) fault that she married one of the ugliest men alive... Nonetheless I am quite surprised that the magazine failed to sell. I mean... people usually have to pay $10 to see the spawn of Satan at the circus. I mean, People Magazine is what? 5 Bucks? (Did you see what I did there? I said the kid is the spawn of Satan because Christina's husband looks like Hitler's definition of a Jew. Comedy Gold.)

The Jonas Brothers are apparently a popular band that has released two albums and have the dubious honour of opening for Miley Cyrus' Best of Both Worlds tour... and oh... they're virgins (At least in their own minds). Us Magazine reports,

The popular band of brothers wear purity rings as "promises to ourselves and to God that we'll stay pure till marriage," Joe, 18, tells Details magazine in their March issue. The rings are "just one of our ways of kind of like being different than everybody else out there," Nick says. "I got mine made at Disney World," Nick, 15 adds. "It's pretty awesome." Oldest brother Kevin, 20, has a ring from Tiffany's. "It's pretty rock and roll," Kevin tells the magazine. "It's getting banged up a little bit because of the guitar."

I bet you think I'm gonna make fun of them! Ha! I respect it man! Sure, I think they're lying and are probably as "virgin" as Britney Spears was at 17. But if not than Kudos to them. It's a tough thing to do with people in the world who can't handle anyone not sharing their love of fornication with multiple nameless partners.

The Oscars finished about an hour ago and it is my (dis)pleasure to reveal to you the EXCLUSIVE (To SoggyCornflakes and every other news website) results,

Best Motion Picture: No Country for Old Men Best Director: The Coen Brothers (No Country for Old Men) Best Actor: Daniel Day Lewis (There will be Blood) Best Actress: Marion Cotillard (Môme, La) Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem (No Country for Old Men) Best Supporting Actress: Tilda Swinton (Michael Clayton) Best Writing (for Screen): Diablo Cody (Juno) Best Writing (Adapted): The Coen Brothers (No Country for Old Men)

... and then there are all the pointless awards which no one really cares about. You can check out the results here. I hate the Oscars. It's always just a bunch of self indulgent crap with no real good movies... I mean, sure, they're all eminently watchable... but there's no movies where you can just watch with your pants off while sozzled... Tell me again... Why didn't Superbad win an Oscar? Was it not classy enough for you? Did you find the humour detestable? PRUDE!!! Also... no one I bet on ever wins. Ever. I bet on all the pretty people (George Clooney, Ellen Page, Casey Affleck)... God, those pretty people suck! Thanks for putting me out a hundred bucks guys!

Lindsay Lohan is reported to have settled a suit filed by a busboy seeking $200,000 over a 2005 car crash in Beverly Hills. TMZ.com reports,

Raymundo Ortega filed the suit last June, even though the cops said he was to blame for the wreck on Robertson Blvd. Ortega, alleging that a then 19-year-old Lilo was pounding drinks at the Ivy before hopping in her Mercedes-Benz and driving off, had sued for at least $200,000 in damages.

Us Magazine adds,

In December, Lohan stated in court documents that she "did not consume an alcoholic beverage or any type of medication or drug" before the crash.

No wonder she had to settle out of court. Lindsay had absolutely no chance of winning this case. It's a case that would involve Lindsay Lohan having to prove that she was sober at some point in her life... For her to win something like that would be akin to the miraculous OJ Simpson case.

Lindsay Lohan and he one time (assumed) Lesbian lover, DJ Samantha Ronson, have jetted off from Los Angeles together to attend the Dolce and Gabbana show at Milan fashion week. Before her visit to rehab, Lohan was reported to spend a lot of time with Ronson, who has been blamed for exposing Lohan to the paparazzi when she looked like this. ... It's nice to see Lindsay getting back to her roots. She's probably facing up to the fact that her career is coming to an end, and is going out with a bang. You know what would suck? If Lindsay read enough negative stuff about her and just decided to work hard so she can prove everyone wrong, and then I'd have nothing to write about and this website would shrivel up like an elephant's balls on a cold day... ... ... Nah! Lindsay can't read, can she? I mean apart from the alcohol content in drinks, right?

Star Magazine put together a face that supposedly comprises the "most wanted" feature of celebrities, taken from surveys conducted by two LA Plastic surgeons. DListed.com reports,

Dude Dbag: Daniel Craig's eyes, Leonardo DiCaprio's nose, Matt Damon's lips, Christian Bale's jaw and John Stamos' hair. Chick Dbag: Katie Holmes' eyes, Katherine Heigl's nose, Keira Knightleys cheeks, Jessica Simpson's hair and Angelina Jolie's lips.

Needless to say, both these people look...weird. The guy looks like a less idiotic version of Brandon Davis (Of "fire crotch" fame) and the chick looks like Kylie Minogue if she was bought back from the dead. Also... RACISM!!! Why are there no black people?!

While Jessica Biel films another movie that will accentaute he ass and boobs, Justin Timberlake seems to be having a bit of fun with Kate Hudson. The two have been seen together lately and Life and Style reports,

Justin was spotted in early February having lunch at a Whole Foods Market in NYC with Kate Hudson. And on Jan. 11, Justin and Kate were seen at the new club Villa in Hollywood and reports circulated that they kissed.

I'll be honest and say I've never gotten Jessica Biel's appeal. Apart from her great ass of course. Her face is so-so and she's kinda built... beat-me-up built. So... I can understand why Justin Timberlake is doing this. Kate Hudson's hot... in a boobless way and she doesn't look like she can break a guy in half and she has a pretty face. A pretty face is important in a relationship. Sooner or later you're going to have to do it face to face, no matter what any porno tells you. So... Yeah. Well done JT.

TMZ.com is reporting that Nick Carter's younger brother, Aaron Carter was caught with in Kimble County, Texas with two ounces of pot. TMZ.com reports,

TMZ has confirmed Aaron was pulled over on I-10 earlier today for speeding -- and when authorities decided to search his vehicle, they found his fat stash inside! Aaron, 20, is currently in jail until tomorrow, when a judge will be present for his arraignment

I don't know why, but Aaron Carter has always struck me as a douchebag. Maybe it's the weird hairstyle... or the fact that he's Nick Carter's brother... Or the fact that he's a completely talentless waste of space... Or that has based his career on the fact that pre teen girls are stupid and love anything that has a blonde mushroom cut and sings crap love songs while he makes his way through thousands of nameless woman... As I said. I don't really have a reason to think of him as a douchebag... I just do. Hopefully Bubba will show him a good time in jail.

After three weeks of dodging, ducking, dipping and diving Sam Lufti finally stopped playing dodgeball long enough to be served his restraining order outside his apartment. The restraining order would mean that Lufti can't communicate with Britney Spears in any way whatsoever. TMZ.com however, reports that the papers had to be served by 1:30PM on the 20th of February, and so because of the delay, perhaps the papers aren't valid and Lufti may have to be re-served (re-served not reserved... I'm pretty sure Lufti is available all the time without having to reserve anything. I mean... his "job" is to handle Britney's career. He has a lot of time on his hands.). I wonder about restraining orders... Imagine if there was a massive fire and Britney was in her house burning to death... and only Sam Lufti could save her... would he be allowed to? Or say even if he was allowed to but he didn't know that he was allowed to, and he let her die... would he be charged with murder? Or would the judge just give him a medal for obeying the law so well? As you can see, I put a lot of time and thou - Ooh! Look! A Booger! UPDATE: Apparently the papers are still valid