Tom Cruise

What a great role for Tom! He gets to play a midget self-important megalomaniac in Bryan Singer’s new film about a real-life German plot to assassinate Hitler…maybe he will, it’s not certain what role Tom will have in the movie, but it’s pretty obvious, right?

I mean, look how similar they are! Hitler was short, Tom Cruise is short. Hitler had dark hair, so does Tom Cruise. Hitler believed in crap conspiracy theories of the Aryan race and well…Tom Cruise believes in space overlords, same difference, right? Heil Tom Cruise! The saviour of the crazy race called Scientologists…by the way, the crazy lady who lives down the road is a scientologist; she told me that she loves cats. I said that I did too. She asked whether I liked them roasted or fried. Because that’s what scientologists do! They eat cats and tell me they taste like chicken!