SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

formerly famous actress Jennifer Love Hewitt, now starring on some TV show about ghosts has recently turned down the opportunity to pose for Playboy. Hugh Hefner offered Hewitt the chance to flaunt her curves, following recent accusations of acute weight gain that had left the actress fuming. A source says,

"She was flattered but has turned down the offer." "She is pretty conservative, but is very proud of her body and did not deserve to be called fat."

Regarding her figure Hewitt said,

"Size two is not fat! Nor will it ever be. And being a size zero doesn't make you beautiful." "I know what I look like and so do my friends and family. And like all women out there should, I love my body." "I've sat by in silence for a long time now about the way women's bodies are constantly scrutinized." "To set the record straight, I'm not upset for me but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image." "To all the girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini - put it on and stay strong."

Ha! It's amazing how she was willing to sit by in silence while she was stripping down to her bra in I still know what you did last summer (Bookmark no. 3 on my ISKWDLS DVD), but as soon as someone calls her fat she feels "upset for girls who are struggling with their body image". I genuinely believe she should just sign up with Playboy, it's a great way to signal that you're career is over. Look at Denise Richards! She did it and extended her career by about 6 months... Admittedly though, the main thought that hit me you guys, must've been that this shoot was 10 years overdue. See how I made myself appear less shallow there?

There's another Spears baby coming into the world people! Shockingly enough it's not Britney's. 16 year old Jamie Lynn Spears, star of Nickolodeon's Zoey 101 (Which I never ever watch... ever... because it's girly... and I'm all man, baby), has been knocked up by her boyfriend of a year and a bit, Casey Aldridge, who she met at church (No jokes). The Associated Press reports,

Spears is 12 weeks along and initially kept the news to herself when she learned of the pregnancy from an at-home test and subsequent doctor visit, she told the celebrity magazine, which hits stands in New York on Wednesday and the rest of the country by Friday.

Nickolodeon released the following statement,

"We respect Jamie Lynn's decision to take responsibility in this sensitive and personal situation. We know this is a very difficult time for her and her family, and our primary concern right now is for Jamie Lynn's well being."

I suppose by "well being" they mean "being fired". ... Wow... why is everyone in such a hurry these days? I mean... I knew for sure that she would be an unwed (possibly teenage) mother... what with my sixth sense, and amazing ability to read people (Oh, and she's Britney Spears sister)... But at 16? Come on! At 16 I was still figuring out how to tie my shoelaces and she has to figure out hwo to bring up a kid! What're you people laughing at!? The poor girl has to bring up a kid with a husband that more likely than not dreams of being head packer at Walmart. Almost as bad as a wigger husband who dreams of being a rapper. Still though... this whole situation could have been avoided if these losers had actually listened to someone (The priest or their slutty friends)... Either don't do it, or cover up when you do... Dumbass... that goes for Britney too.

Maybe it's the aristocratic features or the affected accent, but should any of us be surprised that Hugh Grant is a huge fan of the Queen? After an amicable breakup with Hugh, ex-girlfriend Jemima Khan spreads the dirt...nothing particularly scandalous, but if you read between the lines, a dirty mind (like mine) can have so much to think of. Jemima said that Hugh was obsessed with the Queen and would say and do anything to be around her. He even had a room dedicated to her, with pictures, posters and cheap souvenirs adorning the walls and cabinets...oh wait, that's Britney Spears and her obsession with Princess Di, wrong psycho celeb. Anyways, he even dreams about her and has Jemima dress in conservative tweed skirts and suits during their bedroom games...well, not really. Yes about the dreams, no about the sex-games. What is wrong with my mind?! Ok, just bare facts...those obviously cannot bring about any perverted suggestions from me.

"He'd dream about her regularly and would accept the most unlikely invitations just for a chance to see her,”

She even narrated one incident with the Queen.

"She asked him politely what brought him to a reception for the Italian president, for example, and he claimed to have a passion for Italy,” "I put her straight, 'He came to gawp at you again, Ma'am'. She nodded wearily."

There will be no mention about leering at the Queen, dirty thoughts or otherwise...

Because you all pick on Britney Spears... for shame! Rihanna says that people need to "lay off" the Toxic singer because she's under a "lot of pressure". She says,

"I don't think there's anything wrong with partying, partying is healthy. You can't have a boring life. You have to party some time." "People put so much energy into being negative about Britney. There's so much pressure on her - it can't be easy."

I agree. There's absolutely nothing wrong with partying. Especially if you have two infants at home. It just makes it that much sweeter. It's even better if those two infants haven't eaten in a month and are chewing the bamboo curtains for sustenance... Crazy kids!

Paul McCartney's former lover, Heather Mills, has decided that there is a market for a sex manual for females and she apparently sees herself as the ideal person to fill that gap... not her per se... her book, I mean. Apparently Heather considers herself to be something of a "sex guru" and is hoping to teach woman the fine arts of nabbing a man and keeping him satisfied. However Mills is worried of the backlash she might face and plans to release the book under a pseudonym. A source says,

"I think Heather would like to set herself up as a female sex guru." "But she is worried what people will think of her so she discussed the possibility of releasing the book under a false name." "Heather believes there is a gap in the market for a good sex guide for women, as manuals are normally written from a man's perspective." "She wants to give her little secrets away on how to attract a man and how to keep him happy in the bedroom." "Despite the breakdown of her marriage to Paul, neither has ever said anything bad about their sex life."

I think there's a reason that there's a lack of female "sex manuals"... It's because men are very easy to satisfy. Seriously... want to nab a guy? Flash your boobs, Voila! Want to satisfy a guy? You know what you have to do... Nothing fancy. Now if you want a relationship... that might be tough... But than Heather Mills probably isn't the best person for relationship advice.

Part-time actress, full time whore, Lindsay Lohan has managed to find someone brave enough to venture into her STD ridden fire crotch (You know it's ironic that every blogger claims to hate Brandon Davis, but the term "Fire crotch" seems to be etched into blogging legend... I reckon that's what Brandon Davis will have on his grave stone, "He who revealed fire crotch", I mean... what else could he have? Cocaine junkie? Fatass? Failed Model? I think he'll be very happy to be remembered in a semi-positive way), following her breakup with Riley Giles. A source says,

"Lindsay was totally smitten with this guy." "She introduced him to all her friends and said, 'This is my boyfriend, Spencer.' She kept gazing at him and they were really touchy feely."

Charming. I hate it when people start kissing at restaurants. Get a room... or a spit bucket. Have you ever noticed that when people come to restaurants and start kissing they make sure that they transfer as much saliva to one another as possible? Making sure that everyone gets as good a look at the saliva as possible? And then they start having sex on the tables? And then the girl makes all these fake moaning sounds? No? I think I might have to stop eating at the local brothel...

Katie Holmes said that she’s eager to continue being the testing lab mother of Tom Cruise’s sperm. The 28 year old said she’s eager to add to their test subjects family in the future, but she is currently occupied with Suri. Holmes says,

"I'd love to have more children. But I'm in no particular rush. We're enjoying our time right now." "Nowadays, Suri is talking up a storm. She loves coloring and creating. She's a great mimic and dancer."

She also lied about her first meeting with Tom Cruise saying,

"We met in a work meeting and my God, whew, whew." "It happened in an instant. When you fall in love, it's as if time stops. It's all-encompassing."

I’m pretty sure she’s lying. Most one year olds can barely stumble across the room, but here’s Tom Cruise’s kid dancing it up… and miming… and colouring… and creating… Also… about her “love at first sight” with Tom Cruise… Yes… I believe that. I'm a big believer in love at first sight... especially when it's with a midget that follows a crazy cult and is your dad's age … it’s every girls dream right? To fall in love with a midget, that’s their father’s age? And then to do it with them? and have kids? Aaah... Who needs Barbara Cartland when we have Katie Holmes to warm the cockles of our cold dead hearts?

If having a stupid name and having the privilege to call Jessica Alba his girlfriend weren't reason enough to hate Cash Warren, here's a new one... He apparently inserted an unprotected phallus into Alba's nether region and made her the unwitting carrier of his spawn. Yes people, you read that right... the hot girl from Fantastic Four and Into the Blue (Terrible movie by the way) has been inseminated... by some director's bitch. A source close to Alba said,

"Jessica was really jealous that all her friends were settling down and getting pregnant, so she is thrilled she has joined the club now." "She feels like she is ready to be a mom, and knows she and Cash will make great parents."

Freaking hell... this sucks. Now Cash is a permanant part of her life. It's disgusting. He's like a zit that will never ever go away. I can see why women enjoy having babies once they're married... but what's the rush before than? Someone explain, so my confused soul can rest.

Jessica Simpson, professional bimbo and amateur singer/actress, is set to strip naked… to earn the respect of the Hollywood film fraternity. This comes despite the Papa Joes’ repeated requests that she keep her clothes on. A source says,

"Jessica is in the running for a role that, if she gets it, will put her right on the map in terms of acting. "The only hitch is that the script requires a number of quite graphic scenes including a full-frontal nude scene. Jessica is so desperate to land the role and get the industry's respect that she's ready to go against her better judgement, and her family, by agreeing to bare all."

So now, the only requirement that needs to be fulfilled in order to be accepted as a serious actress is the ability to take off clothes? I guess talent, hard work and dedication belong to the fools. Still though… good news for the porn stars. I’m sure Elizabeth Starr must be sitting on her porch waiting for her Oscar… I mean… ummm… I don’t know any porn stars… I don’t watch porn… ever.

Britney Spears is set to play the Virgin Mary in an upcoming satirisation of the birth of Jesus Christ. French producer Phillippe Rebboah has approached the "Toxic" singer to portray the mother of Christ in the upcoming film entitled Sweet Baby Jesus. Rebboah says,

"I had to convince my partners, because they were like, 'Oh, no. Britney?' But I thought it was brilliant."

Wow... If Hitler didn't make Jesus cry than this definitely will. Why does everyone hate Jesus nowadays? I mean... he sounds like a nice enough guy. Sure he'd be your "uptight friend", but you can't say you wouldn't like a friend who can raise the dead and cure leprosy... I bet he'd do a swell job with hangovers too!