SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

In case you haven't heard, Prince Harry, the more Irish looking of the Queens grandchildren, has recently broken up with his South African girlfriend, Chelsy Davy. Oh, you hadn't heard? Umm... Well it's happened and I'm reporting on it, so we'll assume it's absolute fact. Following his break up from said South African, Harry was hanging out with his brother William and other friends when King-in-waiting William turned to him and said,

“You're now the official Royal gooseberry”

All Harry could manage was a pained smile. Ummm... Correct me if I'm wrong... But now that Harry is single, he can have sex with lots and lots of nameless girls? All of whom are interested in sleeping with a prince, even if he's a ginger... and William is going out with and is soon set to marry, some snobby rich girl. And he's balding. Yes Willy, you're in a much better position. I'm sure you can look forward to a life of premature balding and a stable sex life (Once a month). Score!

Kim Kardashian, famous for doing pretty much nothing except take part in a sex tape with a failed rapper (Remind you of anyone?), says that the reason she posed for Playboy was not because she's an attention starved whore or because she's ummm... just a plain normal whore... but rather so that she could be a role model for young girls. Kim Kardashian tells NY Daily News,

"I did it because I'm not one of those stick-skinny girls you see. I felt like girls today need to see a normal body," she told us at the Morgan 4 Ever launch at Underbar last week. "My mom actually pushed me to do it! I think she's living vicariously through me a little bit."

I know where girls can see a normal body... by taking off their clothes! (snigger) In case you're interested, I know another 126342 other reasons why women should take off their clothes... But not guys. Guys have peepee's. And peepee's are not something I'm interested in checking out. In case you're (still) interested, none of those 126342 reasons have worked yet. But that's only because I'm yet to meet Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton. What a Mum, by the way! She tells her daughter to take her clothes off and pose naked for money... My mum just tells me to study.

Like a Van Damme movie. Except she's hot and doesn't speak in a "bum me - I'm gay" accent. Following her support for the dolphins (or seals... or whales... or something in the ocean) in Japan, Heroes star, Hayden Panettiere is apparently wanted in Japan. By the cops. Apparently Hayden and her group rode surf boards into a cove off the cost of Taiji in an attempt to steer dolphins (or seals... or whales... or some other fish thing) away from fishing boats. Despite the warrant, Hayden says she's proud of herself,

"In this town, you tend to be able to get publicity when you're not wearing underwear or [you're] in rehab, I was very excited that people were interested in what we did.

Oooh... a dig at Lindsay. Catty... Wait! did that sound gay? That sounded gay didn't it? What I meant to say was... ummm... Grawr, she dissed Lindsay's ass! These ho's need to get naked and mud wrestle! Yes. That is what I meant to say. Manly and classy. Call me ladies.

Yesterday, Amy Winehouse kicked off her UK Tour with a "performance" in Birmingham. Her performance consisted mainly of warbling drunkenly, mutterring and swearing at the audience. When she dedicated a song to her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil who is in prison for witness tampering. The crowd started booing which elicited a response from Amy before dropping the microphone and walking off stage. According to the BBC:

"To them people booing, wait 'til my husband gets out of incarceration. And I mean that." Some fans have contacted the BBC to say they would be seeking a refund.

Wow. I'm sure everyone in the crowd must have been awestruck with fear. Her husband is a terrifying sight. All 112 pounds of him (Yes that's him in the picture... the gaunt fellow). Bring him together with the 95 Pound Amy Winehouse and who knows what could happen? They might scare away a puppy or something.

Kim Cattrall, better known as the whor-y one from that whore show, is currently starring in a movie with Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe... who incidently she finds hot. The 51 year old says,

'He's quite a package. He really is in great shape, When I saw him in uniform it took my breath away.'

Whatever, man. Daniel Radcliffe is like 5'2. He's only hot to midgets. Anyway... I'm sure she'll find enough time to lust over Harry Potter while she's rotting away in prison. That's what usually happens when you make moves on someone 31 years your junior. Think about it this way. If I wanted to do that, I'd have to speak to someone's... nutsack, for want of a better word... Someone who wants to keep the swimmers in their nutsack for 12 years before unleashing them on the world... someone crazy. Ew indeed.

After days of breathless anticipation, by the single unemployed loner who still thinks the Spice Girls are cool, the verdict is out on their new single, Headlines (Friendship never ends)... It sucks. Now Magazine reports,

Despite tickets for their reunion tour reportedly selling out in 38 seconds, the Spice Girls are not having much luck with their comeback single. Download sales for Headlines (Friendship Never Ends) have been very disappointing and the single has received little airplay on national radio stations. The song – which is the official Children In Need charity single for 2007 - is released on 19 November but has been relegated to the C-list on Radio 1, meaning it gets barely one play a day.

Now there's a shock. I can't believe the Teens that used to listen to the Spice Girls 10 years ago aren't crowding up the phone lines... I mean, who doesn't want to listen to a group of 30 something mothers sing about girl power, especially with cool names like Scary Spice and Baby Spice?... I guess it's because they're all 30 now. I can't believe their reunion tour sold out. I just hope Al Qaeeda bought all the tickets to give their members for "Fun Day"... I don't want them to die (What sort of person do you think I am? Wait! Don't answer that!), I just want those terrorists to suffer.

Following the complete breakdown of her career and personal life Britney Spears seems to think that she's discovered the secret to regaining her magic touch... by hiring a new manager. The new "manager" is a hanger-on to Britney named Sam Lufti. Sawf news reports:

In Britney's world managing a pop star probably means nothing more than keeping the paparazzi far enough from her car so that she does not run over their toes, fetching her coffee and pumping the gas in her car - all things Sam Lufti will conceivably do to her satisfaction.

I'm sure this will fix all of Britney's problems... You know... Who'd have thought Britney would turn out like this? I mean when I was people were having masturbation parties watching Toxic and I'm a slave for you, while desperately trying to contact the devil so that they could sell their souls for one night of sexual congress with Britney, did anyone actually think that just a short 3 years later, that same Britney would have trouble getting a hooker into bed? Life can change so quickly.

Which leaves me to wonder, who else will date a 50 year old former rock star? Following his bitter divorce battle with Heather Mills, Sir Paul McCartney vows that from now, he will go around only with women who do not have to ask him for money, and have their own means of livelihood. Sir Paul is currently dating Nancy Shevell. An unnamed friend tells the Daily Mirror,

"The fact Nancy is successful in her own right makes him feel much more relaxed around her. Paul says she is not with him for what's in it for her. He will certainly now only date women who have their own means,"

Wow. I feel bad for Paul McCartney. Imagine being a multi billionaire, and having the money to buy just about anything... But you're not allowed to sleep with women who only want you for your money. I hope he enjoys all the wild sex with the elderly. Dumbass.

Vince Vaughn, despite starring in some magnificent comedies like Old School and Swingers (Both of which were infinitely better than Friends), says that he only became famous due to his former girl friend, Jennifer Aniston. What he actually said was,

"If you go out with someone famous, you'll get a certain level of attention around you but it was never something I focused on."

Meh. Friends sucked. Jennifer Aniston sucks. Friends is over. Jennifer Aniston is over. That's how it works, right?

Latin sensation (I felt so weird writing that... A bit dirty... Like I'm writing for Heat... or US weekly... Thankfully I'm not! Why would I want to be paid to write about celebs, when I can do it for free?), Shakira, said that she does not need a wedding ring to prove the love between her and her beau Antonio de la Rua. She says,

"We'll get married eventually, or we won't, but we're together and that's what matters, We love each other and we want to stay like that. Why fix something that's not broken?"

That's sweet. Although tell me ladies... Is that really what some women think... Or do their boyfriends just not feel like coughing up a ring, so they make up stuff like this to feel better? Or maybe they just saw the train wreck that is Britney, and have been put off marriage forever. That makes sense.