SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Britney Spears is reportedly addicted to plastic surgery, after finally managing to get hold of a mirror and calling herself a "fat pig" (Oh... and she saw the VMA thingamajig). Britney wants to have multiple procedures, including a breast enlargement and liposuction. A friend of the singer said:

"Britney has already consulted with at least three surgeons about new breast implants, a nose job, liposuction on her chin and Botox for her face." "She sees no reason to stop, she constantly talks about getting work done."

Last month a surgeon told Britney he would not operate on her because she was a "high risk patient". A source says,

"He didn't want to clear her for surgery because he didn't think he could trust what she'd put on her medical history."

... Here's an idea tubby. Get on a frickin' treadmill!!! You know, in the past, at least celebs had to eat right and stuff. I mean... I was always jealous of the fact that they could hire about a million more hookers than me, but at least I got my own back when I bit into a Krispy Kreme Doughnut while that loser was working out in the gym. Now lazy fatty's like Britney have deprived me of even the most simple pleasures in life. Damn you Britney! Damn you to hell!!!

Paris Hilton's, "fat friend", Kim Kardashian, yesterday lost $50 000 worth of jewelry, a Cartier watch and her bag at JFK Airport while she was flying from New York to Vegas. TMZ.com reports,

A source close to Kim tells TMZ that when several Delta employees asked for autographs and photos with her, items were somehow lifted from her bags. The items include $50,000 worth of diamond jewelry, a Cartier watch, and Kim's laptop and digital camera -- contents unknown! Kim's reps are looking into the possibility that she was set up by employees working for the airline.

Good. Which idiot walks around with $50 000 worth of jewelry? And then instead of owning up, and accepting that she's a stupid douche with a massive ass, she decides to blame the airline? Hey! Cow! If you weren't getting so happy because someone was giving you attention maybe you would've been able to keep an eye on your bag. If I had a bag with $50000 in it, I'd sew it on to my body. I'd literally call a doctor in, and surgically attach it to my chest. That way I'd be sure to notice if someone grabs it. Because I'm vigilant... and also because of the fact that I'd have no skin on my chest anymore... and don't forget all the blood. I'm feeling faint.

I don't mean Chinese food. Although I'm sure she enjoys that too. Along with Indian, Greek, Italian and French cuisine. Basically anything that can be labeled food. The News of the World reports that Britney plans to adopt two children from China. Presumably because she can't find her own. Also, Brit has coughed up 25000 Pounds for her own funeral... She evidently feels that she won't last very wrong with all the drugs and alcohol she consumes. ... I think the News of the World has it wrong. Britney Spears is getting Chinese kids to be her pets, but has paid 25000 Pounds for the inevitable funeral when Britney forgets to feed them. That definitely makes more sense than anyone letting Britney adopt kids. I've heard that's how they recruit suicide bombers in Iraq. They tell them that they're to be shipped off to America next Monday so that they can be Britney's kids. Seriously.

Brad Pitts jilted lover, Jennifer Aniston, headed off to her high school reunion yesterday where she met up with the Rudolf Steiner School class of '87. Aniston had been coincidentally voted "most likely to grace a magazine cover" by her classmates when she graduated. A source says,

"Jennifer was really happy to see everybody. She didn't play the star and was genuinely interested in finding out how everyone else's lives had turned out."

What a b****! I hate these things. It's just an opportunity for successful people to show off, and an opportunity for failures to lie. I mean... I think I'd kill someone if I went to mine... maybe 18 years from now. I can just Imagine myself going there and saying to the dumbest kid in the school, "Hey man! How'd it turn out for you? Still working at the chip shop?" and he'd be all, "Nah man, turns out I had (add psychological disorder here), so after it was treated things started to go really well for me... I just sold my company to Google, that Larry Page is a cool guy... I'm set to play a round of golf with him after this actually. My supermodel wife will be a bit pissed, but who cares what she thinks, right? I'm the man of the house. If things get bad I'll just kick her out ... Sure she'd probably trash the house before she leaves, but I can afford to replace everything, what with me being debt free and all. Maybe I'll just go do a Robinson Crusoe on that island I bought just of the coast of Mauritius (Obviously taking along 10 of my highly trained staff that are there just to cater to my every whim)... It's not fancy but..." He stopped talking there because at that exact moment I would shoot him in the face. With a bazooka.

Heroes star, Hayden Panettiere, says she is amused by the constant media speculation surrounding her. However she seems to bas in it, saying that she would love to be linked with a woman. Hayden says,

"Well, if you want to make me a lesbian, that's totally fine with me. That would be a pretty funny rumor." "I'd love to have a love affair with Angelina." "And there are other beautiful girls I like too - Charlize Theron, oh my God!" "Kate Beckinsale is gorgeous too, and Jessica Alba."

Isn't that cute? She wants to engage in sexual congress... with... these woman... these very hot women... naked... and stuff. What a b****! Now I won't be able to sleep at night! Just thinking about... that... and... you know... all the blowing... and the smiling... and the touching... and the smiling... and the blowing... I think I'm repeating myself... ... Do you think Jesus hates Ms. Panettiere for having these thoughts?

Janice Dickinson, the former model, who is now a testament to the benefits of plastic surgery (or not), has criticized Angelina Jolie's portrayal of lesbian supermodel Gia, in the movie... ummm... Gia. Dickinson, who co-wrote the script and was friends with the real Gia, says,

'I was disappointed with the film, We hired an unknown, one Miss Angelina Jolie. 'Gia was not depicted by Miss Jolie the way Gia actually was. 'In truth, Gia was a phenomenally gorgeous, voluptuous, extroverted, racy lesbian.'

Firstly, this movie is, what? 10 years old? And she mentions it now? Way to dig up the past Janice! Maybe when you're done we can discuss what mistakes they made in Ben Hur? And secondly, Angelina Jolie was a brilliant lesbian, I've masturbated watched that movie about a 100 times now, and am still astounded by Angelina Jolie's naked body the brilliant acting. Note: Gia looks like this... I'd much rather imagine Angelina Jolie having lesbian sex... with me.

Ne-Yo (who according to Wikipedia is a rapper) says that he is NOT dating Hayden Panettiere of Heroes fame. Although he admits he was holding hands with the midget-y actress he claims he was only helping her out of her car. He says,

"Hayden and I just met yesterday. We've only known each other for one day, She was hanging out with some friends and invited me to come out."

As for the hand holding,

"I was helping her out of the car! She had these shoes – they were cute – but they were torture devices, so I had to help her."

Well, I think we can all agree that these two are not going out. Ne-Yo is clearly gay. I mean... "She had these shoes – they were cute"? As a heterosexual guy the only thing your licensed to notice on a girl is her chest. And if you don't end up in jail, you're doing it wrong. Make sure you're looking closely enough. Keep trying until you end up in jail... I hear you meet people like Ne-Yo there.

If you don't know who Nicole Scherzinger is, she's the least manly looking of the Pussycat Dolls and coincidentally the lead singer of the group. If you don't know who the Pussycat Dolls are... Oh... how I envy your innocence... Which I am about to ruin by telling you that they're a group of tranny train wrecks that seem to think they're attractive. Ha! Nicole Scherzinger tells Now Magazine that she wishes men would have the balls to ask her out. The 29 year old singer said she'd love to find a normal guy who is stable and doesn't mind her "dressing outrageously on occasion" (read: Dressing like a whore), she admits that guys like that are "hard to find". She says,

'When I'm with the Pussycat Dolls and we're all dressed up in our stage clothes, the look on most men's faces is one of complete terror,' 'You would think men love the way we look – and they do from a distance – but up close and personal it's like we're throwing out a challenge.'

Wow... I don't even think I should make fun of that. It's just way too easy. I like to challenge myself when it comes to humour... I don't like making cheap jokes... Pfft. Got you! If you believed that than you've obviously failed to notice all my Britney posts. Yeah Nicole. I'm sure guys don't talk to you because they're intimidated. Not because you look like a tranny. Seriously if you want a man to chase you, you just need to go to that strip club in New York... what's it called? ummm.... Transexual Towers? Although the guys there, aren't what you would call normal. Obviously I've never been there. I've just heard of it... from people... that have been there... that are not me.

Sorry for the late update. I'm sure some of you must have been breathless with anticipation. The rest of you just went of to some other celebrity gossip site. In my humble opinion the "rest of you" group is disloyal, abandoning me for not updating quickly enough, just because I'm lazy and unreliable and there's someone better out there, you just jump ship? What will you do when dinner is late? Sleep with the neighbour's wife? For Shame!!! Anyway, it's a quick (single... shocking I know) post today. I have an exam tomorrow which I am determined to fail and I can't fail if I don't sleep... Because when I'm awake I feel guilty and start studying. Now Magazine is reporting that Pete Doherty's fellow junkie, Kate Moss, hates to waste. So she wore her 2700 Dollar Yves Saint Laurent jacket a whopping TEN times! Can you believe it? Ten frickin' times! I'm surprised it hadn't grown moss or something by then. Surely she should be given some sort of award by the WWF (Not the wrestling thing... The one with the panda logo) for her conservation efforts. You see? That's one of the main reasons I would make a terrible celeb. I mean, I've been wearing the same boxers since early October. I suppose technically I've only worn them once... but still. Apart from that I'm lazy and I hate people (I was about to add untalented, but than I realized that it seems to be a requirement for celebrity-ness these days)

Britney's lawyer from yesteryear,Eric Ervin, yesterday claimed that Britney Spears is not all that she claimed to be (ie she wasn't a virgin when she entered Showbiz). He says that Britney Spears lost her virginity at age 14 to then boyfriend Reg Jones. They later broke up when they found out how difficult it would be to maintain a long distance relationship. He also says that she was sexually active with Justin Timberlake. Us Weekly reports,

But lawyer Eric Ervin, who worked with Spears as a teenager, tells Us Weekly in its new cover story that the “virgin” image Spears portrayed was, in his words, a “PR blitz.” In fact, Us reports in its new issue that Spears lost her virginity at 14 to boyfriend Reg Jones, and that she and Justin Timberlake were intimate from the beginning. Something Spears also kept secret: Her family’s tragic history. Us has learned that Spears’ paternal grandmother, Emma Jean Spears, in June 1966 committed suicide at age 31. Britney’s grandmother, who suffered from depression, shot herself in the chest with a shotgun at the grave of her infant son who had died eight years earlier just three days after being born.

I'm pretty sure no-one believed Britney was a virgin. Seriously... My four year old cousin watched Hit me baby one more time and said "That ho's been banged more time than a bhangra drum"... And he didn't even know what sex was! Cute kid.