SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie’s lover (And perhaps at one point the luckiest man in the world), said that he is trying to cut back on his alcohol intake so that he can be a better dad.

Pitt says,

“It’s not easy to be a good father when you’ve had a few drinks. About a year ago I’d had a couple of beers and my daughter Zahara had this piece of ice that had been dropped on the floor, and she was putting it in her mouth and began to choke on it, and that was it.

You have to be absolutely on top of every situation. The other shit doesn’t work anymore. When they wake up in the middle of the night you have to be there. And you can’t deal with children when you have a hangover - that’s just a misery!“

Can a kid really choke on ice? I always assumed that although it would be uncomfortable for a minute or so it would eventually melt enough to slide down your gullet… At least that’s my experience with it.

But Brad Pitt says it does, so it does. Who am I to argue with the man who’s nailing Angelina Jolie? He could tell me that the earth is flat and interest rates are a massive Jewish conspiracy and I’d still believe him.

Although he doesn’t need to tell me about the Jewish interest rate thing… I’m in the know.

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Anne Coulter, the poster girl for horny conservatives all over America, has decided that it’s time we got rid of the Jews. Following in the footsteps of her idol, Adolf Hitler, Coulter said that the Jews should “perfect themselves” by becoming Christians.

drudge.com reports,

During an appearance on advertising guru Danny Deutsch’s CNBC show The Big Idea, in response to a question from Deutsch asking Coulter if “it would be better if we were all Christian,” she responded “Yes.” “We should all be Christian?” Deutsch repeated. “Yes,” Coulter responded, asking Deutsch, who is Jewish, if he would like to “come to church with me.” Deutsch, pressing Coulter further, asked, “We should just throw Judaism away and we should all be Christians?” She responded: “Yeah.”

Charming. If this “woman” was any more classy I think they’d make her the Monopoly man. But instead of selling loser places like Plein Street and Tyne Square she could sell cool places like Auschwitz and Texas. And Instead of a Community Center Card, you could get a Jew gold card that reads, “You burned 60 Jews in a gas chamber, Collect 400 Jew Gold”

You can also substitute Muslims for Jews, but instead of Jew gold you get sheep.

Seriously though someone needs to shoot this cow in the face. Jew hating wench.

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Drew Carey, the kinda-funny-but-not-really fatty from the Drew Carey Show, is engaged to his girlfriend, Nicole Jaracz. Jaracz is apparently a recent graduate from some culinary school.

Carey’s publicist says,

“It will be the first marriage for both. No date for a wedding has been set yet, They are both very happy and excited about their future together.”

I guess the thing about “The way to a mans heart is through his stomach” is true… Admittedly it’s Drew Carey and he would probably bed anyone who gave him a Twinkie… But still.

But more importantly… Drew Carey has a publicist? I thought people had to kind of know who you are before you get a publicist… Hollywood. Pffft.

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Michelle Rodriguez, the star of “movies” like The Fast and the Furious and Blue Crush, is set to serve a minimum of 120 days in jail, following the violation of her probation for numerous crimes including DUI and hit and run.

TMZ.com says,

According to court officials, Rodriguez “admitted violating her probation by failing to provide proof of completion of her community service and for consuming alcohol three times while wearing an alcohol monitoring device.”

The judge also ordered that Rodriguez is not to be released to “work furlough or electronic monitoring and is not to be granted early release.”

Rodruigez must report to L.A County jail by December 24th. Rodriguez was also ordered to complete 30 days of CalTrans work.

You can’t tell me she didn’t want this. For a closet homo like her, it’s the greatest Christmas present ever… Except it lasts for four months and she can act like she hates it.
The only down side for her is the litter pick up… and even then she’ll probably enjoy watching her fellow inmates bend down.

Some punishment. Bravo Los Angeles legal system! Bravo Indeed!

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According to the Hollywood reporter, Chris Pine, the star of cinematic masterpieces like The Princess Diaries II and Just my Luck is set to take up the role of Captain Kirk in the upcoming Star Trek to be directed by JJ Abrams.

The Hollywood reporter… ummm… reports,

Over sandwiches at Barney’s Greengrass and over beer at Barney’s Beanery, the talk is about Chris Pine, who might be the hottest new actor in town. He is in discussions to star as Captain Kirk in Paramount’s “Star Trek” and in negotiations to star opposite George Clooney in Joe Carnahan’s adaptation of the James Ellroy crime novel “White Jazz.”

That sucks! How dare they ruin the masculinity of Captain Kirk by introducing the guy that “stars” (Used in the loosest possible sense) in flop romantic comedies with Lindsay Lohan… I mean… I don’t care… because… ummm… I don’t watch Star Trek… Because… I’m too busy… watching… ummm… pornography Sports.

Yeah. You Star Trek fans are geeks. (But seriously how could they ruin the ravaging masculinity of Captain Kirk with Chris Pine? Sure he has bushy eyebrows, but is that all that Captain Kirk meant to us you? Bushy eyebrows? I think not me friends.)

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Esquire today revealed that Charlize Theron is now the “Most sexiest women in the world”. Than they go on a long ramble about her day…

It includes snippets like,

Maybe I should buy her something. A token. I like to give gifts. That’s really true. I should write a column on that. Gifting. Don’t make verbs out of nouns. That would be a good rule. I could give her candy. Or cigarettes. She smokes.

and

CLOSE ON CHARLIZE’s mouth, her lips bent in her particular smile, sexy and knowing, a little bit leering, just sweet enough that you feel wont to assume some connection, some secret between you. This is the big trick of sexiness. The big lie. But it’s no trick at all for her. She bites down on the pack of cigarettes and unspools the cellophane with her teeth, a luscious and familiar dissection.

Powerful, powerful stuff.

Still… I don’t get it. I think Esquire have been slipping for the last two years, Last year it was Biel and now this (Don’t get me wrong Jessica Biel is pretty hot… I just wouldn’t call her the sexiest woman in the world)? I mean… Charlize Theron is pretty, sure… But she’s just not someone I’d like to do it with…

Who the hell am I kidding? I’d do it with any one! Playing Scrabble, no matter how weak the opposition is, is always good for the mind.

Wait… What were you thinking?

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In an interview with Parade.com, That seventies show hottie (Well kinda… I mean… when I look at her I don’t know whether I should rip off my pants or go buy her a tootsie pop and then rip off my pants… and then feel guilty) Mila Kunis, says that the reason her and her boyfriend (The kid from Home Alone) get along so well is due to the intimacy and privacy in their relationship.

Kunis says,

“We’re incredibly private, and I think we relish the privacy we do actually have and are able to sustain it. We enjoy each other’s company. We like to read books or play video games or watch TV or go to the movies. And he’s an amazing cook. He makes dinner every night.”

… In my opinion… and this is just an opinion… the reason they’re relationship is going so well is due to the fact that the Home Alone kid is unemployed and sits on his ass the whole day playing video games while waiting for his hot (Yet surprisingly stupid) girlfriend to come home so he can do things to her…

But maybe I’m wrong… I mean… her way is good too. Good relationships are based on intimacy… *cough* naive *cough*

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The magazine that has made celebrity ass kissing an art form has managed to nab an exclusive interview with Lindsay Lohan. Obviously an exclusive would mean, no journalistic questions like “Why are you such a whore?” and “When will this next bout of herpes subside”. Instead they asked stupid questions like “What did you learn?” and “What are you going to do after rehab?”… Dumbasses.

Anyway, Lohan said,

It was a sobering experience. It made me look at myself and all the people, places and things in my life in a different way…I’m going back to shoot Dare to Love Me, but I plan on returning to Utah so I can stay focused and avoid other distractions…”Temptation is always there. But now I’ll avoid it the right way…I hit rock bottom”Everything in my life came to a point where I had to make a decision…I’m here to stay. My talent is a gift and I’m going to use it.”

… It’s great that Lindsay heading into the world of hardcore pornography… What d’you mean that’s not what she meant? Didn’t you hear (read) her? She said she’s planning to use her talent… Surely she doesn’t mean acting? I mean… Did anyone watch the pile of turd that was Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen?… Yeah… umm… I mean… me either… I was too busy watching monster truckers playing American football cheered on my pornstars… I take manly to a whole new level.

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Yesterday Britney Spears and her little sister, Jamie Lynn, were getting sushi when a short rude lady rushed at them screaming “Nobody wants you in this neighborhood! You’re making the neighborhood unsafe!” The paparazzi defended Britney by yelling at the woman, and then Jamie-Lynn stepped in and shouted in her face, “Then move the fuck out of the neighborhood!”

She than ran behind the group of paps instead of facing of to a women that looked like she’s be comfortable in a coffin. She left from the back door of the restaurant.

Charming. If you needed proof that class is hereditary than look at the Spears.

Britney who’s a model mum. And Zoey… I mean Jamie Lynn… who screams at retirees.

I wonder what the mum does… Shoot Vietnam veterans?

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… In the hopes that one day he’ll learn about that magical piece of rubber often referred to amongst civilized folk as “the condom”.

Combs has admitted that he is the father of Chance, his daughter from an affair with Atlanta beauty Sarah Chapman. This is Diddy’s sixth child, and the one which led to his break up with long term squeeze and mother of three of his children, Kim Porter.

Diddy says,

“At first, I wasn’t sure if this was my child, Now that it has become clear she is, I will take care of her for the rest of her life.”

Aah! What a sugary sweet fairy tale adventure. Where a young girl sets out to look for her father, who was captured by an evil fire breathing dragon (who’s never heard of Tic Tacs) before she was born, and discovers that he’s a king and she’s a princess…

Except in this one the father is captured by semi naked drunk whores, and he’s surprised that he has another daughter…

But apart from that it’s all the same. Someone should snap up the rights before Disney get their paws on it.

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