SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Now let’s talk about Briteny Spears and what a mess her life is. I like looking down on people…it wouldn’t matter that I was broke, failing and I put on an extra kilo or two…because Britney’s life is always so much worse. That’s what God meant when he said count your blessings, right?

So within a day, Britney has lost her manager and her lawyer, because those guys are clever and they know when to bail before they get sucked into the Britney whirlpool of desperation and despair.

The talent firm that deals with Britney has said:

“We believe Britney is enormously talented, but current circumstances have prevented us from properly doing our job”.

In other words “You suck, but I hear the McDonalds down the road has a vacancy. Don’t screw it up.”

Her attorney says:

“In a lot of attorney-client relationships, there comes a time when some fresh blood is necessary.”

Which means “You suck, you’re losing your kids and I think I’ve taken enough fees from you.”

Also, as Kevin Federline challenges Britney’s mothering, the two will now have to have random drug tests twice a week to see that they’re not drinking or taking anything around their kids and also have to attend parenting classes and Britney is getting a parental coach…who I’m sure will be amused by Britney’s trick of balancing Sean on her head while she does the macarena.

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So finally her front will match her derriere…yes I’m mean, I know. I have issues with people who are richer with me. My therapist says I have to stop hitting the baggers at the supermarket just because they live lives of luxury and decadence.

An insider reports that she’s approximately 12 weeks pregnant, which makes her…um, 12 divided by 4…carry the 2…erm…3 months pregnant? Ok Ok, I cheated, I used a calculator.

So in 6 months time, we’ll either see a cute Latino baby or a big bum…depending on which genes the little moster gets. She and husband Marc Anthony have been trying to get a baby for a while and finally resorted to in-vitro fertilization (hehe, slow swimmers).

The news just gets better for Jennifer who may even be expecting twins. Wow, I wonder how big she’s gonna get…and I wasn’t talking about her stomach.

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Britney Spears just keeps falling lower and lower, but I’m not talking about that…yet.

Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney’s small sister and now “the prettier sister” recently went with her dad to a Justin Timberlake concert. Awww sweet, my dad won’t even take me to the cricket.

So let’s review:
Britney Spears: Started out as the most desirable woman in the world…now mother of two, fat, alone and pathetic. Cannot keep underwear on or has a tendency to lose it just before photos are taken.
Jamie Lynn Spears: Started out as cute and annoying, famous only because her sister was and often has Britney come in to fight her battles. Now still ok and doesn’t hate her parents. Has to put up with the flack of having a cow as a sister.

They should do a reality show together.

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After her disastrous (read: hilarious) “performance” at the VMA’s, it seems Britney Spears is ready to apologize. Us Weekly reports that the singer is considering appearing at the Emmys to apologize for her last performance.

A source tells the magazine,

“The idea is to have her come on and apologize for the VMAs. She’s weighing the offer.”

“All I can say is that the Emmy people aren’t dealing with her record company, her manager or her agents…”

“So if she is doing anything for the Emmys then it’s not going through the official channels,”

This just keeps getting better!

The Emmy’s are sure to brilliant this year. Especially with all the crap that’s on TV… I mean… Ugly Betty? Nominated for best comedy? If “comedy” suddenly means a fatty whining about her fat ass than yes… Ugly Betty is a comedy. Not as good as the neighbor’s wife… but good enough, it seems, for an Emmy.

Seriously… The people running the Emmy’s should just let Britney perform live and than present her with the award for best comedy and then maybe send on some people from the World Wildlife Fund to splash her with water… Because that’s what you do with beached whales.

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Despite spending close to half a million dollars on cosmetic surgery, Demi Moore still can’t get sexy jobs in Hollywood (Shocking I know). The mother of that tubby chick that sucks on empty condoms says Hollywood is ageist (Still Shocked).

The Daily Mail says,

“It’s been a challenging few years, being the age I am. Almost to the point where I felt like, well, they don’t know what to do with me. I am not 20. Not 30.
“There aren’t that many good roles for women over 40. A lot of them don’t have much substance, other than being someone’s mother or wife.”
Miss Moore’s comments are particularly unexpected given her own somewhat bullish attitude to holding back the years. After a string of flops in the 1990s, she took a career break, then returned to the screen in 2003’s Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, emerging from the sea in a skimpy bikini which showed off the results of a cosmetic surgery spending spree.
As well as breast implants, collagen injections and liposuction on her hips, thighs and stomach, she had a £5,000 procedure to lift the sagging skin on her knees.
She also employed an army of advisers - including a nutritionist, personal trainer, yoga teacher and kick-boxing coach.

Demi… I think Hollywood knows exactly what to do with you, i.e. To let you get on with married life.

Why can’t she just go and do what normal Hollywood mums do? You know… Smoke cigarettes, Do drugs, Party all night… Maybe look at your kids from time to time… Why does she insist on drawing attention to herself? Why can’t she just let the good times roll and age gracefully (Read: Become a fat blob that dies of a kidney infection)

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Ja Rule, who’s a rapper or something, when asked to comment by Complex Magazine on the Congressional hearing which will investigate the rap/hip-hop industry’s constant degradation of black women in music videos and regularly referring to women as “hos” and “bitches”, said,

Ja: (interrupts) Yeah, they got my man Doug Morris under fire and shit, they got him going down to go speak to Congress about hip-hop lyrics, are you fucking serious? There’s a fucking black kid right now about to get 25 years for having a fight with some white kids over hanging the nooses over the white tree, lets get to that. Let’s get into shit like that, because that’s what’s tearing up America, not me calling a woman a bitch or a hoe on my rap songs. And if it is, then we need to go step to Paramount, and fucking MGM, and all of these other motherfuckers that’s making all of these movies and we need to go step to MTV and Viacom, and lets talk about all these fucking shows that they have on MTV that is promoting homosexuality, that my kids can’t watch this shit. Dating shows that’s showing two guys or two girls in mid afternoon. Let’s talk about shit like that! If that’s not fucking up America, I don’t know what is…”

Did you see what I did there? I said Ja Rule hates you… when he said he hates homosexuals. That would indicate that you’re not heterosexual!

I’m funny.

…

Or mildly retarded… take your pick

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Reese Witherspoon didn’t seem like she was too upset by her divorce, but that’s just good acting. The actress recently spoke about her divorce to Ryan Phillippe after 7 years of marriage, and how sometimes she just couldn’t deal with it.

“Right around Christmastime I was sitting in a parking lot and I felt like I just couldn’t get out of the car.”

“It was like, I can’t get out of the car.”

“I thought, Okay, half of the parking lot has dealt with this. More than half of the parking lot has dealt with this.”

“Okay, let’s make it a little bigger. Half of this city has dealt with this. Okay, let’s make it a little bigger – half of this country, until I finally got out of the car.”

That’s right. There’s nothing like statistics to make yourself feel better.

She also commented about attention whores and how she doesn’t want that to be her image in Hollywood.

“It’s one thing if you’re up for it and you want it, and you go out without your panties on.”

“But if you’re wearing panties - gosh darn it, leave me alone!”

Hehe, cute.

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We all know Enrique Iglesias is gay and using Anna Kournikova as a beard isn’t fooling anyone! The singer basically admitted it himself when he said that he isn’t going to marry Anna, his girlfriend (and by girlfriend, I mean gal pal, they give each other tips for how best to pluck their eyebrows). They have been together for 5 years (and that’s A LOT of beauty tips) but Enrique doesn’t see a future for them.

“I’m quite a loner. I still see myself ending my days on a Florida beach, surfing and fishing alone.”

I’m sure Anna appreciates your fantasies Enrique, but did you mention the part where you have a burly boyfriend waiting for you at home when you get back from fishing?

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Hayden Panettiere, the star of Heroes, has broken up with her boyfriend of 3 years… Stephen… ummm… something Italian… Tribbiani maybe?… Yeah… or maybe Mario… definitely something Italian… He’s on that show about beaches or whatever…

Anyway…

Us says,

…a source tells Us, “Their breakup has been a long time coming.” But that doesn’t mean the former sweethearts are feuding. Panettiere tells Us, “We are still very close friends and talk to each other frequently. We appreciate and support each other’s careers.”

Since when is appearing on TV once in a while a career? Because if it is, than I have a career too! A TV career! Once I was on TV at a football game! Sure I was really fuzzy and was basically a blob amongst 60 00 other fans! But I’m sure more people saw me than this Italian guy…

Unless his career is being a nobody… Than he’s amazing at it… and deserves all the support in the world.

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Britney’s PR people seem to have decided that it’s their job to make up as many baseless stories as to why Britney sucked at the VMA’s (Which I suppose, technically it is). The new excuse going around the block is that Britney sucked (sucks?) because she was able to see what she looked like on the big screen, and was shocked by her cankles.

Us Magazine says,

No one was more shocked watching Britney Spears’ performance at MTV’s Video Music Awards in Las Vegas on Sunday night than the 25-year-old popstar herself.
“She was also able to see video of herself throughout the auditorium,” a backstage source tells Us Weekly. “She flipped out. She came running off the stage, yelling ‘Oh, my God, I looked like a fat pig! I looked like a fat pig!’ She was inconsolable.”

I suppose Britney’s religious and believes in miracles… Because that’s the only way that she wouldn’t have looked a fat pig…

Well… That and maybe if she put on a warthog costume… Than she’d look like a fat warthog!

See people? Not just a pretty face am I!

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