SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Is anyone surprised really? It's like telling me the Power Rangers aren't real. I mean, of course they're real. No-one could come up with a storyline that realistic! The ex-popstar was pulled over in Los Angeles on Saturday while driving with two of her dancers. She tried to seduce the officer with a rendition of Toxic but the guy threw up and gave her a bigger fine. Don't you love the justice system? That's how things would be in my Tigger-Land...that and donut rain of course. Britney did not try to use the "do you know who I am?" line. We should be thankful for small mercies I guess. Possibly because she knew that someone would have slapped her for saying that.

The more famous brother Own Wilson has reportedly been hospitalised because he tried to commit suicide. Before I go into details, I'd like to say "DUMBASS!!!" I mean, first you're stupid enough to try and attempt suicide and then you can't even do it right. If you'd read SoggyCornflakes, you'd know our frequent motto...it's down the road, not across! Then you wouldn't be looking stupid, everyone would just be mourning your death and analysing why you could have been so troubled. The story doing the rounds:

“Owen Wilson has now been transferred from St. John’s to another Los Angeles area hospital. His brothers Andrew and Luke are with him. “Andrew found him after the suicide attempt and called an ambulance. Both of Owen’s wrists were slashed superficially and Owen had taken an overdose of pills. “Owen was found with a nearly empty bottle of pills next to him. He was at his house in Santa Monica.”

Superficially? C'mon, stupid sissy. I wonder why he would want to commit suicide though. That's never the answer...unless you're stupid, then in that case, go ahead and shoot yourself. So the guy has his brothers with him and according to another source, his parents as well. Seriously, they didn't teach us anything in psychology. They told us that men usually use more violent means of killing themselves...though I guess they didn't take celebrities into account, because they're like a whole other species.

Sorry for not updating the last few days. I was kidnapped by terrorists and they only let me go this morning...or something to that effect. If I told you that our internet was down, would that be more believable? Ok, then that's what happened. So SoggyCornflakes will be back up, until we stop paying our webhosting bill, which will hopefully be never. And we'll be updating throughout the week as usual...well, Saturday's and Sunday's if we feel like it. Welcome back to crapness, may you never leave.

After Nicole Richie was released from prison after 82 minutes (A story which SoggyCornflakes.com obviously missed... it's what we do... Unlike other celeb sites that copy and compete with each other to break the latest news we just ignore news completely... It's what makes us special... High-Five!), her attorney said she was pleasantly surprised. He said,

"Nicole was aware that most people with sentences similar to hers are booked and released in a matter of hours and she was hoping to be treated like everyone else, Nevertheless, she was prepared to serve her entire four-day sentence had the Sheriff's Department required her to do so." "Of course, she was pleasantly surprised to be released so quickly,"

I hate rich people. I wonder what surprised her more though. The fact that she actually had to go to jail or the fact that she was there for 82 minutes. C'mon Man. She could have snorted 4 lines of Coke in that time... Or eaten an entire years worth of her personal food intake. Why must these authorities be so mean to the rich?

Britney Spears wants to move there. See what I did there? Britney Spears spreads terror, so when she goes to London: Terrorist Attack! I'm funny... he he Anyway. Britney Spears is set to move to London after the VMA awards because she desperately wants custody of her children. Britney's buddy told OK! that she thinks it's her only chance of keeping the kids and starting afresh. However a lawyer (From JuicyUK) says,

"You can run, but you can't hide. If you go to most foreign countries you come under the Hague Convention, which allows parents to seek the return of, or access to, their child. There would be a hearing in London and they would award the father the children."

It tells you how bad things have got for Britney. She doesn't stand a chance of keeping her kids from a failed rapper, failed dancer, father of two illegitimate children, who doesn't have a job and has single-handedly managed to destroy the fantasy of millions of pre-pubescent males by making a hot Britney into what she looks like now. Tough times.

After the unparalleled success of her first book (Confessions of an heiress), which outsold Harry Potter, The Ko'ran and the Bible together (At least in Paris' own mind), Paris Hilton is set to write another book detailing her lifestyle of carefree extravagance. Her agent said,

"She is thinking of doing a new book, and I don’t believe at this time, it’s contemplated to be a so-called prison diary.”

Anyone who buys this book is in desperate needs of literary cleansing (Read Hitler - me, Gypsies - them). Or they should be exorcised. Or stabbed in the heart over and over and over with a stake. Whatever hurts the most. I'm not very fussy.

Katie Price aka Jordan wants to tell us all that her marriage to Peter Andre is not going through a rough patch and their union is as solid as ever. When asked why she went out without her wedding ring, she said:

"It's best for me to not wear it when I go out because I might lose it." "My marriage to Pete is rock solid. People see from our TV shows that we bicker all the time, but it's tongue in cheek and nothing serious."

Also asking why Pete is so far away from her, she says:

"I have just been waiting for Princess Tiaamii to get her first passport, then I'm flying out to Cyprus to be with Pete,"

I seem to be quoting more and typing less today...but I don't think anyone minds. I'm off, sweet dreams you lot.

But c'mon, it's so obvious, from the way she's dressing to the way she's holding herself. She's walking around with this new look, trying to kid us into believing that she's trying the boho look. ou ain't fooling no-one lady. We know you have the spawn of Satan gestating inside of you! Out on a recent shopping trip with her husband, when asked about babies, she said:

"It's definitely something we can't wait to begin."

Yeah right...then 5 months from now, she'll appear with a baby and be like "I so got you guys, I bet none of you guessed I was pregnant. Haha!"

Executives at Britney's record label are unhappy with the troubled mother of two after she turned down a chance to work with former flame, Justin Timberlake, on a song that was written exclusively for her by producer Timbaland. A source tells Page Six,

"Listen, everyone is worried. In her mind, her album is done and she's done enough work ... She's an easy target right now, because she's ... sick. People like her are sick. It's like an anorexic who's sick in the head and needs help. She needs help. It's sad because what she's got - and we've heard it's like bipolar disorder - can easily be treated with medication, but she won't do it."

Why would Britney need help from Justin Timberlake on her new album? What with her being sexy and all... I mean who doesn't want to see a mother of two, who is probably 10 kilo's overweight, wheeze herself across the dance floor singing "I'm so sexy... so so so sexy". I think I did a little sex wee just thinking about it.

You know, I hate it when magazines ask celebs political questions... because they all try to sound deep, socially aware and noble, but just end up sounding stupid. Case in point: Hilary Duff. When asked what would she do if she were made US President, Duff replied,

“There are so many issues in America. Our involvement in the Iraq war is the most obvious, and also the way some people are treated,” “I would also change the weekends to workdays, and have the whole week as a weekend. Then I’d be a popular politician wouldn’t I?”

I know it was supposed to be a joke... but... but... it's so juvenile. Oh, look at me! If I was president I'd make funny jokes while crashing the stock market! Yay! Why can't she be mature and cultured... like me? When I steal a ladies handbag off the back of her chair in restaurants, I even leave a thank you note... Ok... Sometimes... Ok... Once... And it was actually just a big sign saying "sucker!"...