SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Paris Hilton has managed to sell her home to a Texas couple, despite getting around $600 000, less than what she wanted. Hilton wanted to sell the mansion for around $4.2 million Dollars, but the highest appraisal she recieved was closer to $3.6 million Dollars, which included some of her furniture. The Texan couple are set to move into the house next week. ... That Texan couple should shoot themselves now. They just made Paris Hilton, 3.6 million Dollars richer. I suppose their taking a week to move in, because they want to disinfect the house... but in all honesty, I can tell them that there's only one way to disinfect something that touched Paris Hilton. Douse it in petrol and set it alight. Sure the house won't be as valuable afterwards... but the world will be safer place... Or will it? Dun Dun Dun!!!

Michael Vick, who is currently on trial for drowning, killing and probably raping dogs (Bah! What do I care? He's in jail, he can't get me), apparently should be released because he made a "mistake". These are the words of former boxing World Champion, Roy Jones Jnr. He said (On ESPN),

"I don't understand why they're making it such a big issue, Do you have to take it that far? He ain't murdered nobody. Let's move on. I'd really hate to see his whole career get ruined over a mistake he made."

Roy Jones Jnr. is right... I mean what did he do? Sure he made dogs fight for his amusement... than he killed the ones that couldn't fight... And kicked the ones that could... But it was all just a massive mistake. And now he's found Jesus too! We should just forgive him. Why don't we empty out all our prisons. They all just made mistakes. Especially that triple homicide guy... I mean... he said he's sorry. Admittedly he followed it up by "... for not killing more people..." But it was all a mistake. Mistakes happen man. Yesterday I dropped a glass and it shattered. Mistake. PS: Roy Jones Jnr. you c***! I hope I get a chance to put you in a fight to the death with Lindsay Lohan and than shoot you between the eyes when you lose and plead that it was a mistake.

The Queen of England, Madonna, is set to adopt another Malawian baby after it was revealed that she stood a good chance of keeping, David Banda, her first adopted child, following some legal mishaps (The biggest being, that David's father thought David was on a holiday). She is set to adopt a Malawian girl known only as Mercy. She has been described as "a smiling angel". However this time Madonna has made sure there are no problems and has her lawyer covering all legal bases. A source close to the family says,

"Madonna's over the moon that she's been told she can take Mercy. She didn't want another complicated adoption." "Mercy is a beautiful baby girl. She's so joyful and happy and giggles every time she's picked up. Madonna just loves the way she claps her hands and laughs constantly. She has huge, dancing eyes. Madonna calls her her smiling angel."

That's great for Mercy, but what about me? Why isn't any crazy rich person adopting me? Sure, I have two perfectly good parents right here... but so did David Banda and that didn't stop Madonna. Anyway... I'm sure if she told my parents that she was taking me away to live a life of care free debauchery with the only side effects being having to follow a fruity non-religion and having a crazy mum, they'd say I could go. Or she could just say, "Give me your child"... Or she could just say "Give"... Or she could just show up... I sometimes think my parents want to get rid of me... Anyway Madge... call me. But not in that way... Paedo

Openly gay actor, Sir Ian McKellen, revealed that he rips out the anti-gay verses of the bible placed in every hotel room he stays in. Although McKellen admits it's probably not the best approach he says the verses leave him outraged. He says,

"It's the one thing I find difficult to defend but do go on doing."

The verse that he rips out is from Leviticus 20:13 which states,

"If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them."

Charming. I don't see why he's tearing stuff out from the Bible, if he doesn't believe in it. Does he think if he tears out enough stuff, than the Bible will change? Because if that works than I'm going to go tear out my entire calculus textbook... and replace it with pictures of pornstars. Than when they ask me what is the integer of 7x squared, I'll say Jenna Jameson sucking off some black guy... and I'll be right! And hailed as a hero across all the galaxies! Yay!

Former popstar, Britney Spears, who it seems is desperate for a comeback was handed a chance to storm to the top of the charts but turned it down. It appears that Britney was offered the chance to sing the song Umbrella by American music producer Tricky Stewart, after she declined he offered the song to Rihanna and the rest, as they say, is history. Taio Cruz (A British song writer) says,

"I was working with Tricky in his studio the day he finished Umbrella. As soon as I heard it I said, 'That is a smash, I have to have it,' but he told me it was on hold for Britney,” “He waited but Britney's people never called him back,”

I must say I'm shocked. What with Britney's Trump-like decision making abilities, I was sure she'd be able to spot a hit song... I guess not. Although to be totally honest with you... Umbrella kinda' sucked. Actually it really sucked. As in "I'd rather pour molten lava into my ear than to hear that crap again" sucked. So... yeah... I didn't like it... It's still better than anything Britney will bring out though.

We know that while Brad Pitt is playing happy families (well, mostly happy) with Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston hasn't had the same luck in the dating apartment as her ex-husband. The actress has gotten a new boyfriend and his name is Brad. Well, it's Bradley Cooper (that's him above you, looking strikingly handsome), but it's obvious that she can't seem to let go of the memory of Brad. And the new Brad is in the process of divorcing his wife too, and her name is Jennifer. Um, Jen? Isn't that telling you he already hates all women called Jennifer? Jennifer was surprised by the coincidences, and the obvious source says: "Jen was amazed and laughing at the fact that they might have been in a Twilight Zone scene about parallel worlds colliding," Is it just me or are there a lot of people named Source in Hollywood? Just joking...I know his first name is Close. So let's analyse this, because I like wasting time. Jennifer is going out with a man named Brad...before, she was going out with a British model who shared quite a lot of physical resemblances with Brad Pitt...so what was Vince Vaughn? Brad Pitt's alter-ego?

Of course not. His idea of a job is just having to pitch up somewhere and get paid for it. Actually, not even like that. He just wants to get paid for being alive. Does anyone need something that converts oxygen to carbon dioxide? Because I have your man right here...and my grade 8 science teacher will be so proud to know that I did pay some attention and didn't spend the whole year torturing the hamster...I mean...playing with it until it died...I mean, I never touched that damn hamster! Kevin Federline is enjoying his time of infamous sensibility and be the better half of the Spears family and has been offered the one-time part of teen drama One Tree Hill. I've never watched that show, except i know the ever-hot but human scumbag Chad Micheal Murray acts in it. He'll be playing a rockstar. Finally, Kevin will live out his fantasy of having adoring fans and groupies. I hope the role isn't too hard for him...I mean, failed rappers totally don't know how to act like famous rockstars. Good luck man, may the force be on you...and by the force, I mean an out-of-control bus...or Britney Spears. Same difference.

While there's still no official confirmation about what happened with Owen Wilson, the actor is still in hospital and he was well enough to release this statement.

"I respectfully ask that the media allow me to receive care and heal in private during this difficult time,"

And he said that to Reuters. Tell me, why do they get all the news and quotes. I know they're like this big news agency...oooh, but what about growing websites like ours? Someone tell us something too! All I hear about is how the neighbour's cat coughing up another hairball. And the queen of tact Kate Hudson has decided to come out with her new romance as her ex-boyfriend is in hospital and her soon-to-be-ex-husband is still moping around. Way to go girl, that's how women empower themselves. By being the worst organism known to man. The actress is going out with comedian Dax Shepard...He can't be funnier than me. No-one reaches the levels of self-debasement and self-hate like I do. Do you think people would pay attention to me if I pulled an Owen? Yes, I made up a new adjective. What you gonna do, huh huh?

Actress, Elisha Cuthbert has reportedly broken up with former boyfriend and hockey player, Sean Avery. Sources close to the couple say that it was the Girl Next Door hottie that initiated the breakup. It seems however that Avery refuses to be down about the whole incident and was seen flirting with Paris Hilton. A source says,

“When you asked Sean where was Elisha was he shrugged his shoulders and said they had broken up.”

Wow. Rough trade. One day you're bonking Elisha Cuthbert and the next you're looking at a hundred different types of herpies. Although, I couldn't really care less. This just opens up my chance to make a move on Ms. Cuthbert. Hopefully this time she won't call the police.

Michael Vick, famed dog killer, burner, drowner and... molester (umm... why not?), finally released his statement in regards to his dog fights trial. TMZ Reports,

"Vick wasn't specific about the acts he was sorry for, but declared, “Dogfighting is a terrible thing. I reject it.” Between apologies to everyone from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank - to all the kids who used to look up to him, Vick declared that he's found Jesus and has turned his life over to God. “I was ashamed and totally disappointed in myself, to say the least. I want to apologize to all the young kids out there for my immature acts. What I did was very immature, so that means I need to grow up. I totally ask for forgiveness and understanding as I move forward to be a better Michael Vick the person, not the football player.”

It's amazing how all these celebs keep finding Jesus. Especially when you consider the fact that the Vatican has been looking for him for ages. I think we all know what this means. The pope is evil and cannot hope to find Jesus. Another thing it tells us is that there is no better candidate for the papacy than Michael Vick... Or Mel Gibson... Or Paris Hilton... Or Lindsay Lohan...