SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Actor Matt Damon is pulling out of the Bourne franchise, saying that he's played the character of Jason Bourne too long and if any more movies are made after the Bourne Ultimatum, anyone else is welcome to make the role their own.

"I'm definitely done with that. I think we've ridden that horse as far as we can. The character lives on in the books and if someone else wanted to play it it, I guess they could."

So no more murders? No more assassinations? -sniff- BUT WHY? Matt, you are like the greatest killer of all time...ok, maybe the last 3 years...no wait, Jack Sparrow was cooler than you...ok, you were the coolest killer in the last 5 minutes. Yeah, that's more truthful.

But it does come from George Clooney. I don't know if he's worth that much though? You could do so many better and more noble things with that much money, like feed the poor, clothe the poor, give it to the poor...or buy 50 tons of chocolate and eat it in from of street kids. No, that's not cruel, I'm saving them from cavities, aren't I? I should get a medal! But for an AIDS benefit, one boyfriend payed $350 000 for a 7-day getaway cruise and got a peck from Goerge. Also she has the option to have a "special moment" with George Clooney, Matt Damon, Andy Garcia or Don Cheadle. WHY ISN'T BRAD PITT IN THE LIST?!? Damn you Angelina!...and what's a special moment? How special can we make it? Will they charge me extra for hand-cuffs?

I think...Lindsay Lohan is so not the cute, curvaceous girl she once was. Now she's a crackwhore of the highest order. So how she was named the "Hottest in Hollywood" by Life & Style magazine is beyond me. It's like naming my teddy the smartest dude since Einstein or renaming Paris Hilton Princess Diana. Those things just don't make any sense. Other people in the superlatives list are Kate Hudson for the shapeliest legs and Jessica Beil for the most athletic body. Matthew McConaughey got the award for the best pecs. And just for an excuse to put Jessica Alba in the list, she's the starlet with the shapeliest shoulders. Jeez, this is like the time in high school I got nominated for best legs and I wear pants!

Well, not really, but stars Brad Pitt and Matt Damon are really getting into fatherhood and were discussing diapers on set. Brad has 4 kids with Angelina and Matt's wife just recently (and by recently I mean almost a year ago) gave birth to a baby girl. While the whole cast goes goo-goo, George Clooney is the only one without a child and I think he's happy that way. Can't wait for the next movie, they should call it the bunch of hot guys who do big cons and get away with millions in a very entertaining manner. Ok, so maybe Ocean's Thirteen is more catchy, but my title is more accurate.

Nicole Richie has been rumoured to be back in rehab for drug addiction but her representatives are furiously denying these rumours...while Nicole wipes white powder off her nose, ok, joking, about the white powder I mean. Everyone knows that Nicole's drug of choice is heroin.

Richie's spokespersons were reacting to reports published in The National Enquirer and US magazine Star which suggested that she had entered rehab on 11 May to cope with anorexia and her dependence on painkillers. "She is not in rehab, she is at home in Glendale. Sobriety is an ongoing process but she is sober," Richie's rep Nicole Perna told E! News.

I'm not exactly sure what's wrong with Nicole, whether she's anorexic, bulimic, a drug-addict, and alcoholic or what, but she clearly has problems. Maybe it's because she looks like some kind of marsupial and not a cute one either. You don't like me saying that? Talk to my spokesperson! But since he's a 3 foot hairy teddy who sleeps on my bed, good luck with that.

Marcheline Bertrand is only famous for being Angelina Jolie's mum...and for having cancer...and for being dead. Angelina did a PDE (Public Display of Emotion) yesterday when she started crying when interviewed by Ann Curry and remembered her mother.

"I'm in a strange, I suppose, place in my life. I think that happens when you lose a parent, where you drop into a different kind of serious. And yet, at the same time, you want to laugh and enjoy as much as possible every day. I'm hanging on to my family really tight at this moment, and, because of that, trying to be as good a woman as I can be in my life."

Poor Ange, I can't say I feel her pain, but Dr. Tigger says acceptance is the last stage in grieving and Angelina will be much better soon and go back to her bi-sexual, blood-letting ways.

Tears then rolled down Jolie's face and she said, "Dammit, you got me crying." Interviewer Ann Curry apologised and Jolie continued, "It's alright. It's a part of life... I lost my mom. It's a natural thing for a child to lose a parent. I lost my mom too young, but it happened. And I'm happy she's out of pain, because I love her and she's my friend."

That is sad, poor Shiloh, Zahara, Maddox and Pax will be growing up without a granny but I'm sure Angelina will keep her spirit alive through various occult practices...just joking.

The world became a much crueler place the day Paris Hilton was born but if she becomes slightly less insane, I might have to kill myself. Paris was seen entering a Buddhist bookstore in Hollywood and this has fueled speculation that Paris may be turning to religion for help. She has also been seen carrying a Bible and a self-help book (Probably "The 7 habits of Highly Effective Socialites"), so maybe Paris is changing...-burst out laughing- I couldn't even type that with a straight face! Paris probably wondered into that Bodhi Tree shop by mistake. She was thinking "Oooh, A Body Shop! Bodhi Tree? Meaning they'll make my body into a tree? Now that's just hot!"

I knew it would happen eventually, that Lindsay would completely lose it and this is exactly how I dreamed Lindsay Lohan's downfall would occur. Except in my dream Lindsay was chased by the Joker sitting on a lion, brandishing a candy cane and the lion became Albus Dumbledore and he ripped Lindsay's head off with his Chinese throwing stars...ok, so maybe my dream wasn't anything like what happened, but a girl can imagine, right? Anyways, Lindsay apparently broke up with boyfriend Calum Best but instead of walking away, she got drunk, flashed the world and created a major scene...just like the American forefathers would have done.

A source told America's Star magazine: "Lindsay checked in with another guy, probably to try and make Calum jealous. She tried calling him but she couldn't get through." The 20-year-old actress - who was treated for alcoholism in rehab earlier this year - then partied until 1.30am before collapsing in the hotel lobby. A source said: "She was writhing on the floor and everyone could see that she wasn't wearing any panties. Her date and bodyguard looked horrified but they didn't do a thing to help her so the night manager carried her to her room." Lindsay then allegedly kept phoning Calum's room and then went to bang on his door. A source said: "He came to the door and opened it a bit, she peeked inside and saw the woman there. She went cuckoo. She yelled at him, slammed the door and banged on it some more."

Now that is true class if I ever saw it. It's a proven fact, that if you bang a door hard enough, it will become a magical portal that will transport you back to the time before your boyfriend found another ho-bag and you could stop this tragedy from ever occurring. Damn, I'm missing the football...more tomorrow.

Jeez, it's like Katie Holmes has become the dumb pigeon that just keeps slamming into the glass window again and again. Even when she's bleeding from the eyes and has serious brain damage, she won't realise that Tom Cruise is a midget Scientologist and there is something seriously wrong with her that she's still with him. And no-one lecture me about love and other nonsense. Katie wants to have another baby with Tom, or that's what's being reported...I think it's another publicity stunt to show that Tom is a "man" (we all know he's not, he's Lord Xenu, seriously) and that Katie is happy with him. The pregnancy rumours are floating around after Tom and Katie turned one of the rooms in their new house into a nursery...for Suri maybe? DUH!!!

Maybe there's hope for all you straight guys out there, because it looks like Jessica Alba doesn't think boyfriend of 2 and a half years Cash Warren is the guy that she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

"I'm not the easiest person to hang with. I'm away a lot, and it's an unconventional life. "But if I could find a partner, that would be best. I probably won't have kids without one. "My parents taught me about unconditional love, because you have your ups and downs, but you stick through it. I learned a lot from that, and I know that kind of love is possible. "My parents made a forever commitment, and I know that's what I want."

So good luck guys, may the best man win...or the one with the most money, depending on Jessica.