SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

LINDSAY LOHAN's closest friends are hoping the actress' current rehab stint will end her suicidal tendencies following a string of bizarre recent incidents. As the 20-year-old Mean Girls star checked into the Promises rehab facility in Malibu, California on Monday (28May07) - after she was charged with drink driving - her so-called friends were preparing to go public with the actress' personal hell. One pal tells America's Star magazine Lohan attempted to take her own life twice in the same night at a recent Hollywood party. The source tells the publication, "She grabbed a knife and started cutting at her wrists. A friend made her stop. "Lindsay ran into the bathroom with a bottle of Advil (painkillers)." The insider then claims the actress locked herself in the toilet and threatened to swallow the entire bottle unless she was left alone. And those are just two incidents from a crazy month that led up to Lohan's car crash on Saturday night (26May07), that landed her with a DUI charge. The actress was also photographed allegedly snorting cocaine in a hotel bathroom. The friend tells Star, "Lindsay needs to go back into rehab, then spend time soul searching and getting to the roots of her problems. These emotional breakdowns she has are getting worse, and one of these days, she really will kill herself."

What is wrong with you Lindsay?!? You couldn't even kill yourself properly, you should be ashamed. You should be so ashamed that you should try and kill yourself again. I'm having a terrible day and you made it worse Linds!

Nicole Kidman is reportedly a bit miffed that her adopted kids with ex-husband Tom Cruise are getting along well with their new step-mommy Katie Holmes. Well, why wouldn't they get along well? Katie is their age! They probably all sit together and eat ice cream and go the McDonald's and play on the swings. Katie is a great mom! But Nicole's spokesperson says it's utter crap and Nicole didn't even read the stuff about Katie Holmes and the kids. So I guess Nicole's given up on her children? Left them to rot with Lord Xenu and Tom Cruise until they're model children for Scientology? Yeah, I'm right, I know I am, I'm always right.

Remember when I reported that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were getting married? Then I reported that they weren't? Then I reported that they still weren't? Now I'm reporting (again) that they're tying the knot. Now Brad and Angie? Just do the deed and stop screwing my blog up! I'm tired of being an unreliable blogger! Reports are coming in from very reliable sources (meaning Angelina's mother's butler's mother-in-law) who says that Engie has finally bucked to Brad's pressure and has agreed to get get married (Note to men: If you ask enough, the answer will eventually become yes. "Please?" "No" "Pretty please?" "No!" "Please, please, please, please, please?" "NO!" "I'll give you a 10 carat ring." "Ok!")

A source told Grazia magazine: "Angelina has been reluctant to get married for a third time, for obvious reasons. "Brad has been persistent and has now given in, but she wants the day to be really memorable. While she doesn't want it to be unnecessarily lavish, that's not her style, it will still be an event Hollywood will never forget. "She also wants their children to see it as a huge celebration of her and Brad's love for them. The daytime part of the celebration will be for the kids, with clowns and balloons and fire-eaters. But then the real party will begin in the evening."

So Angie's wedding doesn't sound too lavish...I wish them all the best...again.

So once again, Britney is turning to a higher power because she finally realised she is a minuscule speck in the entirety of the enormous universe and that no-one really cares about her. Ok, Britney still doesn't get that people don't care about her, so she just pretends they do, to make herself feel better.

Calling rehab "a very humbling place", Spears confessed she was “lost” and felt insecure after settling a divorce with rapper husband Kevin Federline in March. She also humbly states, "We will never really understand or figure out life completely. That's God's job." The 25-year-old singer has previously thanked her fans for their prayers, which have helped her during her difficult time. She has left a short message for her fans on her website saying: “I am so blessed that you care enough about me to be concerned and will continue to live in this brighter state with all of you by my side during this trying time.” Spears added: “We are all the lights of the world and we all need to continually inspire others and look to the higher power. You are all in my prayers. Godspeed."

Britney cracks me up, so much wit, humour and sarcasm. Right, so I'll be off to do final last-minute cramming before my exam and I leave you with the words of Britney Jean Spears: "I am only human people and I love you for still loving me."

And by Back, I mean back in rehab. Whoohoo! The starlet has finally realised that her life is a meaningless pit of misery and booze and so has entered Promises Rehab (which by the way, was the same one Britney went to) to sort things out. This new development came after Lindsay crashed her Mercedes and was suspected of driving under the influence. So as Lindsay's life topples around her, I laugh. Wanna see how bad things have gotten? Go here to see Lindsay passed out in a car (and puking her cute little guts out). It would have been a sweet picture, Lindsay sleeping if you didn't know that she was an ad for alcohol abuse. I bet it you flicked a lighter near Lindsay, she would just blow up, Boom!

Or something like that. Kiera Knightly, who's currently dating actor Rupert Friend is scared that she'll never have a "great romance" because she's too busy with work and since she doesn't like talking on the phone, long distance relationships are really difficult for her.

"Since I hate talking on the phone, I wonder how I would manage a long-distance relationship. I'm thinking about how I'm going to handle a great romance and how much I'd suffer or make the guy suffer if I disappear onto a film set for three months and then fall out of love with him."

What bollocks Kiera, it's just too easy to have a relationship over the phone. In fact, I can have a relationship over the net, until my online boyfriend started to get annoying and kept misscalling at 3 a.m. Now that's just irritating, I need my beauty sleep. Keep this is mind every other boy who wants to have a chance with me...though I might just be talking to myself here.

I can't remember where I read this before but Kevin Costner was pissed off at Madonna because she made fun of him. Now he has forgiven her after she apologised in mid-concert.

He tells the Los Angeles Time newspaper, "She was performing about three or four years ago, so I decided to take my daughters to see her. "I didn't call anybody for tickets, I just got the tickets and we went down... And about the third song in, the lights were down, and she said, 'I want to apologise to someone.' "All of a sudden, my face starts to get hot... And she says, 'I want to apologise to Kevin Costner.' She just said it very simply. "Ninety eight per cent of that audience didn't know what she was talking about. But I really respected that... Whatever possessed her, whatever was inside her, she came to her own decision and a bigger thing came out of some kind of humiliation."

Well, I can't pretend like I really care, my acting isn't that great but I would like to take this opportunity to blow a big raspberry: Pltltlrlrlrlrlrlrrrr! There, now that was a lot more fun except I have to wipe the spit off my screen now.

Well, as Lindsay spirals lower and lower, recently being arrested for a DUI, one of her parents has decided to show a little parental responsibility and instead of smacking the crap out of Lindsay (as I would have done if she was my kid) he did what all Hollywood parents do: Go to the press. Michael Lohan, Lindsay's dad insists that his ex-wife is to blame for Lindsay's behaviour and both of them should check themselves into a proper rehab. Wasn't her dad in prison a while back? Talk about dysfunction, no wonder Lindsay's such a crack-whore. And now I speak from some evidence, because when Lindsay was arrested, cocaine was also found in the car. So along with that and the leaked videos, Lindsay's the saddest chick on that side of the equator.

"She needs to go, and my ex-wife should go with her. The writing was on the wall years ago, and when Lindsay was in (Los Angeles rehab centre) Wonderland...give me a break. What kind of rehab facility lets people leave the grounds? They wanted the name Lindsay Lohan to stay there, they didn't want to help her. She needs a faith-based program."

Well, her dad talks sense. But I dunno how cut out Lindsay is for religion, but I bet the scientologists and Kaballah-ists will be running for their latest recruit. Now I be off to study some more, I hope, more later.

Haha, isn't it funny that I write about Enrique Iglesias's small equipment and soon I hear that him and long-time girlfriend Anna Kournikova have broken up. It's like I'm psychic...Ok, so I didn't they they were going to break up, but I thought it. Let's see you disprove that! Guess all that psychy stuff is coming from the fact I'm studying way too much psychology!!! Anyways, those two broke up for the usual reason. Anna wanted babies and Enrique couldn't make any. Yeah, you know I'm right Enrique! Don't try and bull us with the crap that you weren't ready for fatherhood. What Crap! But the couple had been dating since 2002...so that's...um, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2007...wait, crap, I missed one. 2002, 2003, 2004...ah, screw it, they've been dating for 25 years. Yeah, mental maths, who would have thought I was so smart?

"We've split. I'm single now and it's OK. I don't mind being single,"

That's what he had to say, before grabbing his crotch to protect himself from my X-Ray glasses. I got you right where I want you Punk, don't run from me!

German supermodel Heidi Klum says that she has named her breasts. Intead of giving them sexy names like "Boob 1" and "Boob 2" She says she calls them "Hanz" and "Franz", Heidi says,

"It’s been an ongoing joke for 12 years. When I began modelling I used to say ‘These are German breasts — one is called Hans and one is called Franz,’”

... ummm... what am I supposed to do? laugh? Why is it that when any celebrity feels the need to say something the media fall over themselves to report it? Oh look, she gives her breasts stupid German names! How funny and witty Heidi is! You know who I blame? All these crappy celebrity blogs! Hey you losers, go get a job!!! ... Oh... Oh no...