SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

I know of some really sucky actors out there, who really should drown themselves, but some people are so scared of my whip-like, sarcastic wit, they kill themselves before they can even become famous enough for me to make fun of them...oh well, rest in peace Matthew Box. I know this post isn't about celebrities, but it's about a celebrity that could have been. Matthew Box (hope he was planning to change his name for the silver screen) was a 37-year-old struggling actor. After failing to launch a career and having his girlfriend dump his ass, he decided that he had had enough and drowned himself in the river Thames. Man, he must have been a really shit actor, or he listened to the Self-Suicide Song (by Goldie Lookin Chain) a few too many times. It's kinda funny, but remember "S U I C I D E ...it might be messy but it's money for free"...don't follow this, please. To quote Brooke Shields "When you die, you lose a very important part of yourself."

You know, I always thought the Queen was a shrewd old lady who wore boring clothes, loved her dogs and didn't wanna give up the thrown because she knew her son would make a great big mess of things. So she was alright in my books...now she's better after I found out that she supports Arsenal football club (which is my favourite club of all time). My favourite player of all time, Cesc Fabregas says about the teams visit to Buckingham Palace:

"It seems the Queen follows football and she told us she was an Arsenal fan. She appeared to definitely know who I was and we exchanged a few special words."

I just put a pic up of Cesc because he's kinda hotter than the queen, though she isn't bad for an 81-year-old. Most people are dead by that time, so the fact that she isn't a walking, talking zombie with skin hanging off her face is a definite plus-point for her.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Who in their right mind would want that bag-o-bones to be Godmother to their kid? There's no guarantee that she'll even live past the kids 10th birthday! Anyways, the Spice Girls had a reunion recently when Geri Halliwell (Ginger Spice...for all those people who couldn't move beyond them) held a christening for her daughter Bluebell Madonna (WTF?) and Victoria Beckham is now the kids Godmother...all the SPice Girls were in attendance, except Scary Spice, who's probably busy with her own baby. You know, I never had a Godparent...maybe because I was such a cute baby, all the adults were intimidated by me. They had to wear anti-cuteness glasses before they could even glance at me. One guy tried without it and his head blew up. True story.

This would have been remotely interesting if...nah, there's no way this would have been interesting, but I can't find any ultra-cool and witty news, as you are used to on SoggyCornflakes...my apologies. So Eva Longoria didn't like a guy her friends set her up with, because he was "...rude, aggressive, presumptuous, scary, and to be honest he was a little bit odd." She doesn't understand why anyone would want to set her up with a gut like this. Maybe because you two were complete opposites? I think not. Maybe because you two were a perfect match...that sounds more plausible. Eva's luck to have friends like them, they tell her the truth without hurting her feelings too much... So blah, blah, Eva is tying the knot soon...not to this guy though, but they made such a cute couple!

Before all you JT fans start yelling at me, I would just like to set the record straight. I'm not a feminist, while I'm a believer in women's rights, I don't see why we have to challenge men at everything. We know we're the best thing that ever happened to them, so why try and prove what everyone already knows. It's like me re-inventing the wheel...I'll just look stupid. Anyways, Justin Timberlake says that he broke up with Cameron Diaz because he couldn't commit to the relationship. Yeah, that makes perfect sense...I mean, the were only together a few years, that's nothing to commit to. The Post Chronicle reports:

Pop superstar Justin Timberlake finds it hard to maintain long-term relationships, because he's "still a man". The SexyBack singer - who split from Hollywood beauty Cameron Diaz last Christmas (06) - blames his non-committal attitude on his masculinity. He says, "As much as I've learned, I am still a man so I have some kind of learning disability. And women wouldn't have us any other way."

Yeah, we like our men as primitive as we can get them. If they drag us around by our hair, then that's just hot. Who needs a house? Girls love caves...just as we all love Justin!

Just wanted to tell you guys, we've opened up a new section on SoggyCornflakes: Features. Give us a visit here. The link will also be on the main page soon. Happy Reading! -Tigger-

It’s normal parenting for kids to be called ‘pigs’ by their father’s. In fact, Dr Spock recommends it, so I don’t know why everyone’s getting so freaked out that Alec Baldwin swore his daughter over the phone. It’s called tough love, people! So all those squares (otherwise known as courts of law) are now stopping Alec from seeing his 11-year-old brat daughter.

The actor was furious when Ireland - who lives with her mother Kim Basinger in Los Angeles - did not answer the phone when she knew he was due to call from New York. During the call, recorded on the girl's answering machine, Baldwin, 49, ranted: "You are a rude, thoughtless little pig. You don't have the brains or the decency as a human being. "I don't give a damn that you're 12 years old, or 11 years old, or that you're a child, or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn't care about what you do as far as I'm concerned. "Once again I have made an ass of myself trying to get to a phone. You have humiliated me for the last time with this phone." He then threatened to fly to LA "for the day, just to straighten you out on this issue".

You know, my dad said something like that to me once. He said that I'm the sweetest daughter in the world and when I graduate, he's going to buy me an Audi and a pet monkey because I'm so clever and charming. Then he said he loves me...come to think of it, that was nothing like what Alec said. Bad Alec! That's no way to talk to your daughter! You don't leave messages like that on the answering machine, that's evidence. You go over there and smack the shit out of them...try not to leave bruises, okay?

Apparently, Girls Aloud singer, Nadine Coyle has dumped boyfriend Jesse Metcalfe (of Desperate Housewives fame) because she saw him cuddling up to a mystery woman.

"I`m not the kind of girl to put up with nonsense like that. I`ll meet the right person when the time is right. I`m disappointed but what can you do?"

That's so brave of you Nadine. I'm glad you could face up to the fact that I stole your man. It was nothing personal, he's just too hot. When I'm done with him, you can have him back. No hard feelings, right? I'm so going to hell.

Hey, do you know that Hollywood couple's break up? I'm shocked! I thought they all got their happily ever after's and lived in castles made of rainbows and drank Unicorn blood. Yeah, that gives you immortality, doesn't anyone read Harry Potter?!? Anyways, Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams seemed to have parted ways (or so they say) after he attended a premiere with his mother...What's wrong with taking his mother with him? He just cares about his mum, people! But a source (yeah, I know who that source is...my teddy bear Dude, stupid thing, he's a compulsive liar, don't believe him, everyone!) says that the couple are definately over. Hmmm, you know, a few weeks ago, there was reports that the two were going to have a secret wedding...what better way to keep it secret than tell people that you've broken up? Yes, I know I'm right, elementary my dear Dude.

Well, more Britney news and Britney now has a new conquest. She's writing a letter to Prince Charles, to sympathize and support him after his break-up from long-time girlfriend Kate Middleton. There are just so many ways to make fun of her, my mind boggles!

A source tells British newspaper The Daily Express, "She understands what it's like to have such a high-profile break-up. She has started writing him a note and is going to send it before the end of the week."

Britney, I have to explain a few things to you. Your divorce was one of the funniest this century because it involved head-shaving, economizing and returning gifts to feed pathetic lifestyles, and don't tell me you didn't like the attention. William's, on the other hand, was pretty low-key. As far as I see, there's no trips to rehab or tattoo parlours yet...so you may want to rethink that note. Also, Will would probably laugh at your writing. Send him a pretty picture instead, it might make him smile.