SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

What a great role for Tom! He gets to play a midget self-important megalomaniac in Bryan Singer’s new film about a real-life German plot to assassinate Hitler…maybe he will, it’s not certain what role Tom will have in the movie, but it’s pretty obvious, right?

I mean, look how similar they are! Hitler was short, Tom Cruise is short. Hitler had dark hair, so does Tom Cruise. Hitler believed in crap conspiracy theories of the Aryan race and well…Tom Cruise believes in space overlords, same difference, right? Heil Tom Cruise! The saviour of the crazy race called Scientologists…by the way, the crazy lady who lives down the road is a scientologist; she told me that she loves cats. I said that I did too. She asked whether I liked them roasted or fried. Because that’s what scientologists do! They eat cats and tell me they taste like chicken!

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I had the choice to write between Halle Berry saying that she’ll never marry again and breaking the hearts of most straight guys out there and Charlotte Church saying that she won’t marry her boyfriend and father of her baby Gavin Henson that no one really cares about, but I thought I’d be different and write about a story I missed yesterday (by the way, apologies to everyone who reads this for not updating yesterday…I was kidnapped by aliens and they only brought me back today…did I tell you Venus looks like the back of my closet? Honestly)

Oh, back to my story, I will be writing about Ryan Phillippe and his maybe new hook-up Ashley Simpson. Ryan met Ashlee at LA nightclub Les Deux which means See Two, according to my Encarta dictionary…See Two? Is that a guarantee that they’ll get you so hammered that you’ll have double vision by the time you leave? Cool. Basically, it says that Ryan seemed to hit it off with Ashlee; they had a make-out session somewhere after which the two emerged dishevelled. It was then reported that they left separately, but Ryan went to her place where he spent the night.

Ryan’s representatives deny the allegations and say that Ryan barely knows Ashlee except for a brief introduction at the club. Who to believe, who to believe? I think I’ll trust the source, because sources are always accurate, or at least that’s what they tell us at varsity, and even if it’s the waitress’s boyfriend’s little brother’s dog who gave the report, you just know that he’s right. Here Doggy, doggy! Nice Doggy.

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Top three reasons why Keanu Reeves could have hit the paparazzo:
1. They annoyed him. Quite unlikely, because everyone loves the paparazzi’s…they’re like the missing link between us normal underlings and the divine beings that are celebrities.
2. It was a mistake. Highly unlikely, as Keanu Reeves totally knows how do drive a car, didn’t you see him in The Matrix?
3. The paparazzo was a cyborg that had infiltrated into Zion and was turning people into meatloaf for the machines. That has to be the truth! That’s the most sensible thing I’ve heard since Mojo the Monkey’s law of Relativity, or something like that.

We all know that the Matrix exists; it’s trapped us in here with the lure of McDonald’s and Celine Dion. We are slaves to its will and by Keanu Reeves brushing against the paparazzo dude; he is our saviour and protector. They say the photographer was taken for treatment to a local hospital, but you know that in fact he was taken to be brain-washed again, because by that single touch with Keanu’s car, all the memories of humanity rushed to him and he was willing to fight to free Zion.

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How very exciting for them! It’s abut time someone called those two old farts granny and gramps. Well, technically, only Camilla and her ex-husband are becoming grandparents, Charles will be a Step-Grandpa.

According to a friend of the Duchess: “Camilla has been secretly hoping for a while that one of her children would be giving her a grandchild. She was desperate for both Laura and Tom to get married so that they could get on with producing some offspring. She adores Sara and is delighted that she is the first to give her a grandchild.”

“Camilla has had a difficult few weeks with her own operation and this has lifted her spirits entirely.”

Says Tom: “Mummy is absolutely over the moon at the prospect of becoming a grandmother.”

The baby will be the first grandchild for Camilla and her ex-husband, Andrew Parker Bowles.

I wish I could write more, but this is just too flippin’ boring. I think I’ll go kick the dog, its old and stupid, quite similar to the Prince and the Duchess.

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Hermione, no dammit…Emma Watson, her name is Emma Watson! Emma Watson, the actress who plays Hermione in the Harry Potter movies was reported to have not signed a new contract, leaving Warner Bros without Hermione for their last two movies. This report has contradicted by a Warner Bros representative that says he’s sure Emma will return for the last two movies.

Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint have already finalised their contracts, but Emma’s is still in the works, which could have set off her rumours for leaving the cast.

Wow, that’s great news. I’m so relieved, I was haunted for months with nightmares that kept asking me the question “What will happen if Harry, Ron or Hermione quit?”, “What would happen if Warner Bros gave up on the movie?”, how would any of us survive? But I know the truth now, Hermione stays and the world will stay safe.

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If she was getting stalked, why didn’t she just pull out her wand and cast a spell on the stalker? I’m sure he was a Muggle…filthy things, but how did he even get into Hogwarts? No spell can cross its boundaries. I’m so glad Hermione is safe; I just know that she’ll protect Harry from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

After all, Harry Potter is real life, isn’t it? Unicorns and Centaurs really do exist, don’t they? WHAT?!? They don’t?! You’re lying!!! Hermione and Harry and Ron are real! You mean I cried for nothing when Dumbledore died? Oh, it’s a movie? That wasn’t a documentary? Emma Watson? Who’s she? Oh, Hermione?

Ok, so maybe I was a bit confused, Emma Watson is the actress who plays Hermione, and she was recently stalked at her school from an over-zealous fan who wanted to talk with her. The police were informed and a bodyguard was hired for her well-being.

I was just reading up on Emma, she’s supposed to be ultra-brainy, just like Hermione. She’s pretty when her hair isn’t frizzy, just like Hermione. She says guys are intimidated by her, just like Hermione. In fact, I think she IS Hermione! I knew you were lying…aaah, you had me good there, I nearly believed you. Next thing you’ll tell me that the Easter Bunny was eaten and Santa Clause was sodomised by a gay naughty kid, but I won’t believe you, no I won’t! Miss Sceptical is my name.

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Yeah Right, Britney Spears is a pain in the ass. Why did they force her into rehab when it’s obvious that she’s a sad little has-been, and no matter how hard Justin Timberlake tries, she will never reach the fame that she had? No matter how thin she gets, or how long her hair grows, she will always be remembered as the voluntarily-bald and disgusting fat chick who thinks its ok to walk around without a bra.

Britney has been a pain in rehab, as she is a demanding, whiny and basically, a brat. My 8-year old sister has better manners than her.

A source said: ‘She has been lashing out at her rehab facility, demanding special food and refusing to pick up after herself. She likes to get her way for everything. She does not see herself as a maid, so she demanded one.’

You know Brit needs? She needs to be let out, let K-Fed have her money and kids and go scavenge in the trash and fight with the hobo’s over who gets the biggest piece of raw meat. And guess what? Britney won’t win, she’ll starve to death and the world will be a better place.

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And not just any kid, her new adopted son Pax Thien Jolie from Vietnam. The three-and-a-half year old boy cried when he first saw Jolie (Bomberboy says that’s because she’s the hottest piece of ass in the Northern Hemishere, but I think it might be because the boy could leave the orphanages…trust me, orphanages are not nice places, I read Jane Eyre, I know about these kind of things).

Angelina was quick to hug her adopted son (for the camera, I’m sure) and started playing with him (now I’m certain it was for the camera’s, how can anyone be so nice and try her best to put a sad little boy at ease?).

Jolie has three kids already, two adopted and one biological and she’s adding to her rainbow nation of a family. My family is a rainbow nation family too! We were all born in different hospitals!

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A public vote to find Britain’s best Celebrity Mum has hailed Jordan (aka Katie Price) as #1. Others in line for the prize were Sarah, the Duchess of York, who recently exposed her daughters to drug users during a holiday; Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall; Victoria Beckham and Jade Goody. Previous winners were Sharon Osbourne and scandal-ridden former pop star Kelly Katona.

I have to give credit to Jordan, her son is disabled and I’m sure she’s a very loving mother…but what about the others? One was a mistress, the other got cheated on and does racism rate high on the great mother’s criteria?

You know who’s the best mum in the world? My mum…I love you Mummy!

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That’s how far they’ll go to make Nicole Richie eat. You ask, who are the mysterious ‘They’…They are the men in black, the New Zealand cricket team, who were the only team in the opening ceremony to have any kind of fashion sense…Ok, I’m rambling here, sorry, I have to lay of those smarties.

Nicole Richie and boyfriend of 3-months Joel Madden have reportedly decided to tie the knot (which I’m sure won’t be amusing Hilary Duff). Lionel Richie, Nicole’s adopted father has approved of Joel, especially since he’s been watching for Nicole’s weight…isn’t that sweet? He doesn’t want his girlfriend to get too fat…What? You mean he wants her to put on weight? What the heck kind of a boyfriend is that? My ex-online boyfriend was better than that, he loved me just the way I am, and there was nothing possessive about him not letting me chat to other boys online, that’s called L-U-R-V-E…it’s so sad I had to delete his ass when he wanted me to put out. Cyber-sex is so not kewl girls, so don’t do it until you’re married.

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