SoggyCornflakes - Celebrities

Lindsay Lohan is trying to fix her relationship with her father, Michael Lohan. Michael is currently in jail for something or the other, I think he assualted someone, but apparently he sent a supportful letter to Lindsay while she was in rehab. Awww, isn't that sweet, the dad's in jail, the daughter's in rehab. What a cute, happy family! Just the thought of them, one day, re-uniting brings tears to my eyes. -Sniff- That's love people, that's real love.

Ok, I’m kidding, Naomi Watts isn’t fat but she has fuelled rumours of a pregnancy because she hasn’t worn tight clothing in a while. Ummm, why is it that a girl can’t wear loose clothing without people thinking that she’s been knocked up? I never think that, I just think “Loose clothes, oooh, bet she’s trying to hide that spare tyre.” See? No judgements. I guess Naomi will be tying the knot soon with her actor boyfriend Liev Schreiber, because no mum wants her kid to grow up without a dad, and marriage is the best way to make sure those quick buggers hang around. Marriage is like a shackle…wait, is that why they call it a ball and chain? Oooooh, now I get it! Yeah, well, best of luck to her.

You know, ever since this website started, I haven’t had the opportunity to laugh at K-Fed AKA Mr. Ex-Britney Spears. Now just because I don’t write about him, doesn’t mean I don’t think him and Britney are the saddest human beings in the world. Before Britney and Kevin got married, me and my friends made bets on how long they’d last…I lost, but on the other hand, the longest time offered was the week-end. It’s been reported that Britney offered Kevin $25 000000 to get lost, which for me is $24 999999.50 too much. But this is Britney we’re talking about, sad fat Britney, sad fat very stupid Britney, sad fat very stupid and possibly lesbian Britney, so I wouldn’t be surprised if Kevin actually does get some money. Speaking about K-Fed’s accusation that Britney is Bi-sexual, if he had said that 5 years ago, hormone-ridden boys heads would be exploding, but ummm, nothing now, not even a stirring of flaccid things, just a bitter taste at the back of their throats.

It sounds like a cheesy Soapie, but Angelina Jolie promised that she would marry Brad Pitt to her mother on her death-bed. Marcheline Bertrand, died after a 7-year battle with cancer, and encouraged Angelina one last time to “marry that man”. Angelina tearfully agreed and if she has any brains and a heart, she’ll fulfil her mum’s dying wish quickly. I’d crack some bad joke now, but there are some things that you don’t joke about, like cancer, and Angelina’s dead mum, or anyone’s dead mum for that matter. Dead people are sacred…except Hitler…and Charlie Chaplin. They would have preferred that you laugh at them.

Do any of you know who Ryan O’Neal is? Isn’t he the guy who gave the voice for…ummm, wait, he’s that guy who played the uncle in…-that’s not right. Ok, so sue me, I don’t know who this guy is, but he was arrested for attacking his grown-up son with a gun at his Malibu home. I don’t know what his son did, but that’s just good old discipline right there. I mean, when Mary misbehaved in “Little House on the Prairie”, I know for a fact that her dad pulled out his rifle and shot her in the knee-cap…or was it a fork in the eyes? Was that why Mary was blind? Anyways, I encourage all parents to discipline their kids with guns…you know why? Because the constitution says I have a right to bear arms…even though I’m not American, it applies to me, right? Awww, God bless America.