SoggyCornflakes - Bollywood

Oh man, I don't get it. I don't remember feeling so lazy when updating SC before. Maybe the break of the weekend will get me back me back into the updating mood. For today, I'll try to not put you to sleep reading my posts and that's the best I can promise at the moment.

Ok, so Celina Jaitley is acting in some movie with Govinda and Upen Patel (Money Hain to Honey Hain), which has been in post-production for ages but will be releasing soon. Somehow I doubt the success of the movie, but Celina will always remember the cast because she got to celebrate her birthday with them. I'll let her tell the story, since I'm too lazy to paraphrase.

"There is one incident that I shall never ever forget. It was my birthday while we were shooting for the film. I never felt so sad on any of my birthdays because on this particular birthday no one wished me from the morning to the evening. It would have been silly on my part to remind anyone about it."

"I kept sulking the whole day and by evening I was in a total morose state. But in the evening, I was in for a big surprise. Everyone suddenly stopped shooting and I could hear a band being played. A huge five feet cake for me was brought in as well. Everyone on the sets, all the actors, our director Ganesh Acharya and producer Kumar Mangat sang the birthday song for me. It was such a wonderful experience. I am going to cherish it for a real long time!"

Um, whoohoo for her?

Ah, how I despise this bag of steroids... Upen Patel, the "actor" doesn't like the fact that he's considered a bad boy.

"I know it sells. But I don't like being a labeled a bad boy. I'm nothing like the wild person I'm made out to be. I've decided to keep a really low profile, just do my work and not lose my temper at any cost,"

Honestly don't know where he got the idea, since he acts like a diva, throwing hissy fits all over the place. Even I'm more bad than him, and I love helium balloons.

I guess there's a time in every girls life when she gets tired of 40-something heroes and she wants someone hotter and younger to act with. One of those girls is Katrina Kaif. Since she's grown tired of pairing up with Salman Khan and Akshay Kumar, Katrina is turning to younger fields, including John Abraham and Saif Ali Khan. Wait, those guys are pretty old too. Why are they no young heroes in Bollywood? Beyond Shahid Kapoor, Upen Patel and Ranbir Kapoor, there's not much choice for Bollywood actresses. Kat insists that she does have choices though,

"I want to make new pairs too. I'm open to new things and want to keep reinventing,"

She insists that she's still young and wants to do young roles, which she'll probably get in her next film, a Yash Raj production. Here's to a Kat that doesn't have to get felt up by men twice her age. Hear, Hear!

Ok, let's start with the actual story. Upen Patel is feeling very insulted when he wasn't acknowledged for his guest role in 123 at the movie's music launch. Apparently first-time director Ashwin Dheer was very commending of his actors at the music launch last week Wednesday, but failed to mention Upen Patel or his role in the movie. All other actors were called to the stage, but Upen was left fuming in the crowd

"What can I say? I was shell-shocked and humiliated. I don't know why I should be treated this way. Maybe because I'm an outsider in Bollywood. Would Ashwin dare to behave this way with Ranbir Kapoor or Neil Mathur? He shouldn't forget he's a first-timer too just like I was two years back. I realize I'm a loner and therefore open to all kinds of attacks. I'm prepared for all kinds of ridicule. But not being acknowledged as part of a film that I've done, is a bit too much."

And my explanation? Tanissha Mukherjee, better known as Kajol's sister, was recently interviewed about her role in 123 and when asked if anything funny had happened on sets, she said,

Yeah, I can remember one. It was when I made Upen really upset. Actually we had to cross a small river to reach the shooting spot in Pondicherry. I and Upen were in a boat and when we reached the spot, I got out of the boat and walked away. But unfortunately Upen lost his balance while leaving the boat and he started calling me. But I couldn't hear him yelling as because I have hearing problem. Later on, I came to know that Upen abused me badly. But we made fun on that, too.

So, Upen sounds like a sweet guy...doesn't he?

Funnily enough, Upen Patel seems to regard himself as a serious actor and feels that taking off his shirt for lusting female fans is beyond his dignity. Huh, well let's set him straight, shall we? Recently at a shoot for Money Hai to Honey Hai, Upen Patel ripped up his shirt with scissors to prove his point that he refuses to go shirtless. So, in his refusal to not wear clothes, he cut up the clothes. Yeah, that makes sense, smart Upen. He says,

"I do not have a temper problem. And I certainly don't throw a fit for no reason. But there's just so much a person take before losing his cool. One day these costume designers would ask me to show my body in my clothes. The next day they wanted me shirtless for no rhyme or reason. I strongly believe the clothes play a big hand in establishing a graph and continuity to the characters. You can't put me in any thing just because I've a good body. Sorry. I won't flaunt my physique for no rhyme or reason."

There is a reason...for some reason, girls drool after Upen without his shirt (Goodness knows why, I think he's gross), and that is a major selling point to a movie. He isn't an actor, just a gimmick to draw sex-starved girls (and guys) into cinema's. Maybe I'm mean, but prove me wrong. Oh, and to deal with Upen's hissy fit, the producer got a designer of Upen's choice flown out to Mauritius to deal with the little diva. I'm sure he'll explain to Upen why being shirtless is important and you'll still end up seeing his chest. Whoo-freaking-hoo.

Hah, if you thought that Govinda was a chubby, happy person, as chubby happy person’s are wont to be, you were so wrong. At a press event for his latest movie Money Hai to Honey Hai (If you have money, you’ll have a honey), he showed that having money also entitles you to slap random people wandering around your sets…then running away to hide behind your bodyguards. Only a midget would be scared of 5 foot nothing Govinda. Here’s the facts; there was a press meet with the entire cast, including Celina Jaitley, Upen Patel and Aftab Shivdasani. Govinda saw a guy walking around the set aimlessly (in all likelihood he was a stalker or he was lost) and Govinda, feeling fit from his recent weight loss, questioned the man. He wasn’t pleased with the guy’s answer and slapped him across the face like a girl. The rest of the cast had to hold him back. How very macho of him. Govinda feels no regret however and told the press, from behind his bodyguards,

"I had been noticing him for a long time and saw him misbehaving with other artists. When I questioned him he very nonchalantly said he is an outsider. So, then he should be outside,"

I guess Govinda’s new niche is an action hero or the occasional midget that fights on WWF.

T here hasn't really been a reason to rejoice at a babies birth except my own, but I guess we can make some fuss over Upen Patel's 26th birthday, since he doesn't want to make a fuss. I guess by the time you're 26, birthdays are just another day, like laundry day, except without the dirty clothes.

"I didn't tell anyone it was my birthday. Didn't feel the need to. So there was no way the unit would know. I finished my work and now I'm back in Mumbai. Maybe I'll have a small belated birthday get-together, just for close friends, "

Awww, that's so sweet Upen, you're not making a fuss about hitting the wrong side of the 20's. Soon you'll be -gasp!- 27...and then 30...and then, you're life won't be worth living anymore. Just joking, there's life after 30. You can spend it with your girlfriends...oh wait, you don't have a girlfriend. Shaaame!

Kangana Ranaut recently gave an interview where she came of...well, not that great. She's pretty judgmental and boring actually. Yes, I'm judgmental too, but I'm not boring...at least, off the blog I'm not boring.

Many Bollywood heroines are game to the surgeon's knife for silicone boobs. Your take on that? They are also going in for silicone hips, and not to forget, collagen lips. These girls feel that this is the best way to attract men and become a sex symbol. Little do they realise that it has an adverse effect on health. I have heard men talking about big boobs and big ass. I want to ask men. What matters to them- a nice pair of boobs or a girl with a nice nature? I will never get carried away.

Meaning you'll do some subtle work?

Shiney gave you acting tips in Woh Lamhe and Gangster, and you got pissed off? No, Shiney did not give me any acting tips. There was an uncomfortable silence between you and him on the sets? I told you that I don't mix up with anybody. I don't have not only Shiney's number but also Emraan, Bobby and Upen's. I am game to doing another film with Shiney. If he has a problem with me, I am not aware of it.

Well, of course he didn't give you tips...you're a brilliant actress, I doubt you needed them. It's called sarcasm people.

Shakalaka Boom Boom was a mistake? I wouldn't put it that way. I tried something different. It didn't click, that's another story. If you ask me, the film failed on many levels. Mainly, it went wrong in screenplay.

Never take the blame girl, never. Its always someone else's fault that your movie sucked ass.

Who would have thought that Tabu and Upen Patel would have hooked up...but apparently, they did! The two met at a club, and just from a few chats (and probably a few drinks), the two got really cozy and left the club kissing. I just wanna point out that she is 10 years older than him...so let's all give one big "EWWWWWWWW". There, now I feel better. But I do have to say that Tabu has no taste...I don't care what you lot say, Upen is over-rated in looks and acting. Having a nice body does not make you hot...and that chin dimple...another EWWWW! Tigger speaks, so my conclusion is right, always.

Well, I guess there'll always be a difference between actresses who've been in the industry for a while and new-comers. The new ones are big-mouthed bitches who think they're more important than they are. Shaka Laka Boom Boom has had a few kinks during production, mostly from actress Kangana Ranaut, who refused to learn English for the role and them moaned when she was dubbed by another actress (who could have been co-star Celina Jaitley). The next problem arose since Kangana thinks that Celina was given more preferential treatment on set. The cold-war comes from Kangana's side only apparently, because she resents Celina and the attention she gets from their other co-stars (Bobby Deol, Upen Patel).

Kangana and her hairdresser would talk and bitch about Celina in Himachali language saying ‘billi aa gayi’ etc, under the impression that Celina wasn’t familiar with the language. But Celina is the daughter of an army man, has lived all over the country and understands many local languages. However she chose to maintain a dignified silence.”

I'm not suer what Himachali langauge is, but it sounds like hindi/urdu, "Billi aa gayi" means "the cat is here"...so not only is Kangana a witch, she's also stupid, since anyone can understand that. Oh well, I guess this is what happens when you have a pretty successful girl like Celina and a mop-headed average-looking actress like Kangana.