SoggyCornflakes - Bollywood

Hi guys, well, I'm back after an unbelievably hectic week, but I've survived, with the help of my loving friends and family. I couldn't have done it without them...and a few anti-anxiety drops as well. If you missed me, thanks. If you didn't, shame, I'm back. Unfortunately I still haven't worked out what's going on with the pictures but I think I'll spend some time this weekend sorting out the website, so hopefully by Monday we'll be back up to normal...

Anyways, the story in the post. Sherlyn Chopra, who's occasionally called an 'actress' as a joke, has been talking to the press with her usual wisdom (read:crap) in the hopes of acting some cheap publicity. I wish I could ignore her, but she's one of those people who demand to be made fun of.

So here goes, the Red Swastik chick has spoken about her silicone-enhanced body, which she says is perfection epitomised. She also takes aim at plastic-surgery buddy Koena Mitra and insists that her doc did the better job. I knew it would come to this one day, when people start fighting about surgery "My cosmetic surgeon is better than your cosmetic surgeon...mine can make me look like Barbie in less procedures than yours."

Sherlyn says,

"My USP is my effortless sexuality,"

"All it takes is just one look. My photos are so fabulous that any curator would put them in a museum."

"Koena reminds me of Michael Jackson. At least I am glad that my doctor has done a neat job and it does not look like Micheal's nose,"

"I have groomed myself a lot...with the help of my doctor."

Yeah totally, her pictures belong in the museum of Epic Failures of Human Look-a-likes. And Miss Perfect-Body is not looking forward to her Yash Raj cameo anymore, since she has to take acting lessons and stop throwing up in toilets. Oh well, she's worked 'hard' to get where she is, wouldn't you agree?

Except he's not getting his own show, a la Akki, King Khan and Sallu.

And it's not a new gig for him. Arshad Warsi has been offered 5 crores to host the second season of Big Boss, which is a big increase from the 75 lakhs he was paid for the first season.

Arshad is keeping quiet about the whole deal however and says,

"There are talks happening. But it is too soon to divulge anything. Nothing much has been confirmed about the final deal yet,"

So while Sony waits for Arshad to make up his mind, they're trying to find the perfect contestants to come up on the show. The perfect contestants must obviously have zero dignity, no modesty issues and preferably fight with their housemates at any opportunity.

Obviously Sherlyn Chopra has signed on.

Any regular SoggyCornflakes reader knows that I despise Sherlyn Chopra. I know despise is a strong word, but when you shudder at her pictures and cringe when you read about her, despise seems like a pretty good word. Sherlyn recently gave an interview and I think I understand her behaviour now...it's obvious that she's living in her own protected bubble of ignorance and she's quite blissful in there. Sherlyn says that she's changing her image in Bollywood...except not that much.

"I don’t want any more of what I was doing till now. I want more class. I was the ugly duckling but now, I want things to get better. But this won’t be a bikini to bindi makeover,”

She doesn't seem to get it, does she? The ugly stepsister never turns into Cinderella. More disturbing stuff follows,

“I have bagged a 40-minute role in Yash Raj’s next film with Rani Mukerji and Shahid Kapur. It is not a cameo and I share a beautiful relationship with Shahid on screen. The director of the film, Anurag Singh, had seen my video Outrageous and the numerous wallpapers online. He told me that I’d need to glam it up in the film. I told him that I’ve done it all, only to be told that maybe, I have no idea what super-glam is. They are apparently in talks with Manish Malhotra for a makeover,”

You have got to be kidding me. This shows the continued decline of Yash Raj if they have to resort to hiring Sherlyn. Though it's going to take a lot from them to teach her that "glam" is not synonymous with "ho". When asked if she had met with Yash Chopra, she replied,

“No, I haven’t, but I have had a brief encounter with Adi. I told him about many things, including my trip to Barcelona, and he just said, ‘Hmm, okay’ to most of the things,”

Probably because Aditya Chopra was thinking "Dear God, I used to work with Shah Rukh Khan and Amitabh Bachchan...do you hate me so much now!? Why God, why?!?!"

“But I can’t wait to work on the film. Anurag told me that Rani and Shahid are amazing actors and if I want to get my act right, I better start attending the film workshops. We’ll be shooting from July and I can’t wait to meet Rani! I’ll probably call her Ranidi and the first thing I’m going to tell her is that I loved her in Black. Maybe, she’ll ask me to call her just Rani and not di!”

Is it just me or is this starting to sound like the diary entry of a sad little teenager? Ooh, maybe Shahid will even look at her! -EEEEEE!- And the icing on this cake, she speaks about her new video and compared herself to Hema Malini,

“The video is called Dard-E-Sherlyn and it has some similarity to Dard kehta hai... I loved Hemaji in Sholay and this is my tribute to her. This might make me the dream girl of the twenty-first century!”

See, I told you she lives in her own little world. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go throw up...and brush my teeth...and wash my hands...and maybe stab myself in the eyes because I've read way too much about Sherlyn. Ewww...

-Swoon- Now, regular readers know that I'm a die-hard fan of Shahid Kapoor and I was extremely disgusted with the idea that he would be acting opposite Sherlyn Chopra in Yash Raj's next. Guess what, he's not. As the very smart reader Ranko suggested, Sherlyn just has an item number in the movie. Shahid has spoken out about the media attention, and he isn't pleased that he's being linked with Sherlyn when his actual co-star is Rani Mukherji.

"It is just cheap publicity and nothing more than that,"

And the world is right again. Speaking of Shahid's co-stars, it looks like he might not be acting with Jiah Khan after all. She and Shahid were cast together in Ken Ghosh's next but now it looks like Ken wants to go with some other starlet...none other than Katrina Kaif. But Jiah says the rumours are cra and she definitely is still doing the film,

“I have not been told anything and as far as I know I am doing the film.”

Ok, now that I told you that, can I go back to gazing at Shahid?

After Sherlyn Chopra makes an absolute fool of herself by getting a bum-enlargement, it looks like some other actresses are into surgical manipulation as well. Ayesha Takia has reached some messed up epiphany that she's too fat and has apparently flown off to the States to do something about it. No, she's not getting tips on anorexia from Lindsay Lohan, she's decided that liposuction is the way to go, since she's too lazy/depressed to attempt weight loss again. Maybe someone should tell her about Sherlyn's botched bum-job. There's nothing like a pretty picture to scare a girl off. And seriously, someone should also tell Ayesha that she's not fat. She's normal.

I think this cause is worthy of a petition. But I'm hoping this is some idiot's idea of a late April Fool's joke than an actual story. Sherlyn Chopra, yeah that girl that refuses to put on clothes, has supposedly been given a role opposite Rani Mukherji and Shahid Kapoor in a Yash Raj film...HAHAHA! That's about as far as I can go. There is no way this story contains any truth because there is no way this is happening. Actually, I think it is. Oh my God, has Yash Raj sold out? What happened to fun family flicks? What happened to likable heroins who you didn't want to burn alive? Now I'm seriously sick, and disturbed. A Yash Raj spokesperson has supposedly confirmed that Yash Chopra has been pining to cast Sherlyn in a film for ages. The movie is supposed to be a love triangle between Shahid, Rani and Sherlyn. Ok, someone please pinch me and wake me up from this horrible dream. Rani is pretty and all but she can't act opposite Shahid, she's way to old for him. And Sherlyn just looks like a cheap tranny, which makes her incompatible with any self-respecting human being. Also, someone said there would be steamy roles with Shahid -projectile vomiting- What is wrong with this industry?!

Some actresses spend their whole lives denying that they ever had any plastic surgery and their beauty and body really is God's gift to everyone. Sherlyn Chopra is not one of these. I reported before that she was having surgery to get a derrière (see, I don't use the word ass on this website, I'm classy...oh, damn) like J-Lo, but guess what? She managed to go mess it all up. Doesn't that create a pretty mental picture? So now she has to get it done all over again, her doctor John Bernard (poor, unlucky bugger) says,

“Sherlyn began exercising and working out too soon. We had recommended a rest period of three weeks. However, Sherlyn was in a hurry to start work on her new music video (Dard) and began her dance practice and rehearsals way too soon. The newly injected fat, which was sucked out of her thighs, didn’t get time to settle down into the Gluteus, which are the muscles of the butt region. As a result the shape and contours of Sherlyn’s derrière got distorted from what was originally planned and intended thus necessitating another surgery.”

Feel free to throw up. If you haven't, then continue to what Sherlyn has to say about the surgery.

"My natural derrière was not big enough as per my standards, and I wanted to augment it to make it look plumper. The world can see it very soon in my second video titled Dard . I hope it’s a perfect gift for all my lovers in India and abroad.”

And those would be? Maybe my old high school janitor and some teenagers who couldn't get hold of any good porn and had to make do with you.

Just when you think that Rakhi Sawant is the epitome of elegance, into the picture steps Sherlyn Chopra. I've never seen such classiness, such grace, such dignity, and such refinement. Could it be that Bollywood has found it's new goddess? Sherlyn Chopra, ladies and gentlemen, wishes to present to you the modern woman. The one who wishes to please others, the one who wants to bring smiles to people's eyes, the one who changed the shape of her butt so guys could have a good time looking at it.

"None of the Bollywood heroines have butts like Salma Hayek and JLo. Though I was always curvy but I wanted to change the way my derrière looked. Since I wanted to raise the bar and reach out to a bigger audience, I felt it was essential to have the right statistics."

So she got plastic surgery, paying 2.5 million rupees for the work. Wow, I'm sure she'll get more item songs now! She'll be reaching a wider audience, ranging from your pubescent teenage boys and going as far as dirty old men. Score! Oh, and the icing on the cake. She's picking fights with other women (read: publicity whores) who may be a threat to her status. Recently, she had an encounter with Rakhi Sawant, whom she supposedly called 'pagli' (which is actually cute and not insulting)

"Rakhi started it all when she called me ‘nangi’ just because I was wearing a brassiere along with tight leather trousers. The top was heavily embellished and it was looking quite classy on me," "And who does she think she is? She wears such cheap outfits. Yeh toh wahi baat hui woh Karen toh chamatkar aur hum Karen to balatkar. I am using this lingo because Rakhi Sawant will understand it!"

Two cats rolling in the litter box of Bollywood, fighting over the leftover scraps? Sexy...Meow.