SoggyCornflakes - Bollywood

I’m so sorry guys, to keep boring you with this. Shahid Kapoor looks a lot better on screen than in a blog, and that’s why I put this totally hot picture of him up.

But I am getting annoyed with all the break-up talk, especially since reports are so conflicting and nw it’s reported that the couple are ok and happy. Dammit man, I want Kareena to be miserable! I know Shahid won’t be, since he can get someone so much better and less ‘boddie’ (old) looking.

Yes, I know, I’m a hopeless Shahid fan, but that video is seriously grossing me out. Please don’t watch it. Let’s all forget that disgusting Shahid and look at the incredibly cute and sweet Shahid of Vivah. Damn you, The Other Guy, you’re so gonna pay for ruining my Shahid fantasy!

Anyways, since Kareena and Shahid are unavailable for comment, people went to his mum, Neelima Azim, to ask her what’s going on:

“I have been in touch with Shahid, but we haven’t discussed anything about it. I feel it’s too personal a matter and he’s mature enough to handle his life and love affair. I don’t want to be dragged into any controversies, though I must say it is rather unfortunate. That too, when his film is just about to release. He has worked very hard on it, I hope the film works on its merit”

Which isn’t an answer at all, since she’s avoiding the whole question and quickly changes the subject to his new film. When asked about her relationship with Kareena, that’s supposed to suck:

“What can I say here? The media just blows things out of proportion.”

In other words, they haven’t blown it out of proportion enough, because she hates her guts. Now I’m going to bed and hope I don’t dream of Shahid, because it’ll be a freaking nightmare! Good night all!

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I’m sure you’ll all admire my cutting sarcasm. It’s so sharp, it can cut diamonds…that’s why my night job is a jewel thief. Except replace ‘night job’ with sleeping and ‘jewel thief’ with stealing Cheetos from my mum. So I sleep and steal puffy cheese snacks, that’s multitasking for you right there!

Speaking of multitasking and the inability to do so, let’s talk about Kareena Kapoor. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’ll know I totally hate Kareena and am hopelessly in love with Shahid Kapoor, so I didn’t appreciate The Other Guy’s comments yesterday. Though I do admit that if Shahid and Kareena kiss like that, they might as well be compared with performance art. They perform, we throw up and let’s call the vomit art.

So I’m way off topic now. Kareena will be acting in Jab we Met (When we Met) with minimal make-up, because the director finally decided to take a hint from reality and realise that when people go on trains, they are not dressed like hookers, or made up like one’s either. Though seeing Kareena without make-up is almost as bad as seeing that video below.

Imtiaz Ali, the director, says

“Have you ever seen people wearing heavy makeup while traveling? In fact, people don’t like applying any makeup…Kareena is one of the few heroines who looks good without makeup.”

I assume he was drunk when he said this. Koi sharam aani hain, pee ke interview dena! (You should be ashamed, drinking and giving an interview!)

Hehe, I said pee!

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It’s fun to make fun of people that Tigger likes…

Shahid Kapur and Kareena Kapoor are allegedly not announcing their split due to the fact that they are worried it will cause their upcoming movie Jab We Met to flop.

With both of their careers going through a low ebb (Supposedly both of them are coming off long breaks brought on by “choice”… read: unemployment), the two Kapoor/Kapur’s need a hit desperately and Shahid is said to be begging Karrena to hold of the announcement.

…

You know, Judging from their earlier cinematic work (read: crap) I think it would be in their best interest to call off their relationship NOW. At least than they’ll have an excuse for their lack of chemistry…

But let’s face it. Their films didn’t flop because of a lack of chemistry… they flopped because on is an overactive ape like dwarf (Darwin would be proud) and the other considers herself to be a gift to the Indian film industry direct from Randhir Kapoors nut sack. Yeah… basically the films suck because the actors suck.

…

I think I can hear Tigger crying into her pillow… good times!

UPDATE: And neither of them can kiss… They look like someone asked them to lick something disgusting…

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The first scene in the upcoming Om Shanti Om, shows Shah Rukh Khan fighting with director Farah Khan.

Farah Khan explains,

“I and Shahrukh are shown to be pulling each other’s hair madly. It’s a mad-mad scene as we both me and Shahrukh, who also plays a junior artist for the 70s part of the film, are involved in a terrible fight.”

Manly.

Maybe the next scene could show Shah Rukh trying to gouge out Farah’s eyes with his inch long nails… and than maybe he could scratch her face… Before scampering away screaming… while wearing a mini skirt…

Although I’m not sure modern day television sets can handle such manliness… They may just explode.

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After signing Harman Baweja (The son of the dismal producer/director Harry Baweja), Ramesh and Kumar Taurani of TIPS seem to be having problems finding other actors willing to work with… ummm… I don’t know how to say this nicely… so I won’t… a nobody.

A source reveals,

“After the Tauranis signed Harman to play the lead, they’ve approached various actors for the supporting and negative roles. But since the story revolves around Harman’s character, no one is willing to play second fiddle.”

“The script will have to be rewritten to give more prominence to the other characters.. but without undermining Harman’s role.. lest he get upset.”

You can’t really blame them, can you?

I mean… Why would you want to play second fiddle to a guy who’s claim to fame is bing Priyanka Chopra’s boyfriend? I mean… It’d be like Salman Khan agreeing to be Govinda’s less muscular friend.

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If I got sick, would John Abraham nurse me back to health? If yes, I have to find the next sick hobo and pay them to cough germs all over me. But until then, Bipasha Basu is feeling under the weather and John is around to keep her sane for the last two weeks.

“I got out this week for an event, and that too because it was a commitment I couldn’t wriggle out of. Otherwise I’ve been so home-bound I feel like breaking down the walls of my home. I’ve never been ill like this.”

So forget all those rumours of John and Bipasha breaking up, despite her urges to stick her face into famous footballer’s.

And that’s all the news I have for you today. Keep your eyes open for The Other Guy, becasue I know he has some news about Kareena and Shahid. Apperently I’m not allowed to write about Shahid anymore, mainly because I drool all over my keyboard and it’s such a mess to clean up.

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The memory of the wedding fades from our minds, mainly because none of us were invited, but for some strange reason, Aishwarya Rai…excuse me, Bachchan and Abhishek Bachchan are still looked at with fascination by some people. The only reason I find them fascinating is because they’re like monkey’s in the zoo, that prance for my attention and make me laugh, before I move on to look at the lions.

Abhishek was asked how it felt to be married:

”It’s a continued honeymoon you could say and it feels very nice.

I love being on set together all day and then going back home together,”

And then he burst into tears.

Any person would tell you that so much closeness is not good. Absence makes the heart grow fonder…and that’s why my new online boyfriend left…I know he’ll be back, he just wants to make me love him more.

He’ll be back, right?

-Tigger bursts into tears-

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Hrithik Roshan’s International agent recently released some comments regarding the Jodha Akbar star’s foray into Hollywood. I assume that these were taken during the lunch break at the Delhi Mental Hospital… If not, I’m sure we can all rest safely in the knowledge that there is surely someone following this woman around with a massive butterfly net.

She says, when quizzed about Roshan’s Hollywood credentials,

“Yes, it’s true that Hrithik has already been invited by the best, the biggest and the most credible industry professionals. Now all Hrithik has to do is ask, want and desire. I think that’s why he can take his time and pick and choose what he likes.”

“I am aware about the fact that they have done projects. I also know that Bollywood stars have tried to break into the mainstream for many years now. But if you observe closely, none have really been successful in the true meaning of cross over,”

“It is also sad but true that some have been dropped by the biggest agencies in town. To make matters worse, some have starred in films that didn’t do well at the box office or have been critically slammed with negative reviews.”

When asked about Hrithik’s chances, the agent replies,

“As a publicist in Hollywood working with major motion picture studios, films and A-list stars, I have never seen an artist so close to perfect. Do I need to add anything more?”

“The icing on the cake is the fact that West has woken up the powerhouse of talent that Hrithik is after looking at the current crop of films he has done. Whilst Hollywood’s most credible trades call him “The Bankable Hrithik Roshan,” A-List Agents of the American Cinema consider him to be “the Sun and the Moon by himself”, which by itself shows yet again his reach and credibility”,

“Hrithik is still keeping the standards high and tries to concentrate on the priorities and current projects, Hollywood Executives believe him to be the future of Western films and even though he has not made any attempts to star in a Hollywood film, he still gets offers. Just wait and watch!”

“Some say, he is the next Tom Cruise, some call him the new Brad Pitt while some compare his class and stature to George Clooney. But Hrithik is all of the above and some more.”

I’ll assume this is just a joke… Because, if as the agent says, Hollywood see’s Hrithik Roshan as its future, than I can only assume Hollywood’s sees it’s future as an abode for below average actors, who go into random epileptic fits which they cover up under the guise of “dancing”.

Or maybe Hollywood sees it’s future as primarily a horror industry… So even in a terrible comedy you have to be horrified…

Or Maybe Hrithik’s agent is a liar.

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Shah Rukh Khan fans must be delighted with his new movie, Chak De India!, which was quite good, even though I have issues with Shah Rukh Khan. No, Shah Rukh, that doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven…I’m still angry at you!

But good news while we wait for Om Shanti Om, we can all live happily with the knowledge that he’s already signed on for a new film with Rajkumar Hirani, better known as the man who brought us Munnabhai. The movie will also star John Abraham. Let’s all go yay!

Also, because of the great response that Chak De India! got, and the obvious patriotic symbolism it has, the Chhattisgarh government is making it tax-free for 6-months in the state, along with other states. Does that make it copyright free too? Yay, long live fake DVD’s…um, I mean, let’s stop stealing from the hardworking actors and actresses guys, let’s keep it classy.

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… Excuse… Excuse…

I was really really sick… almost dying… ummm… no… I was… busy… being lazy… sorry

Sorry to all our loyal readers (All FIVE of you!!!), I promise it won’t happen again!

…

I hope

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