SoggyCornflakes - Bollywood

Kareena Kapoor is apparently under a great amount of stress. The star of Omkara and Main Prem ki Diwani Hoon (I just can't forget this movie, and until I get back my wasted 3 hours, I shall continue to hate Kareena Kapoor and Hrithik Roshan), is supposedly buckling under the stress of her breakup with the pin up boy for "Girls who have pedophilic tendencies but are scared to bring them out in the open", Shahid Kapur, as well as a string of flops to her name. She is looking gaunt and skinny and instead of her usual charm and allure (santabanta.com said this... not me!), she seems to be answering questions with pre-scripted responses. Santabanta.com misses the old Kareena. Unlike my fellow writer... I am not mean. I shall sympathise with Kareena Kapoor. Ms. Kapoor, I'm really sorry for all the circumstances that have led to you not being an arrogant B****. I hope and pray that these circumstances will be improved so that I can go on hating you in the near future. See? I can be sweet!

Isha Koppikar, who played second fiddle in both Don and Kya Kool Hai Hum says that she wants to marry a rich guy. Not rich as in 100 penthouses, 50 Ferrari's, 10 Yachts and a private jet rich... Just rich enough to support her. So that would mean 80 Penthouses, 40 Ferrari's, 8 Yachts and a private helicopter. It's amazing how down to earth all these Bollywood stars are! It's almost as if they're real people!!! Here's the entire interview:

Q: Who is it that fits the bill of your ideal man? A- My kind of man is someone who loves me. He would be a guy who does not basically tell me what to do and what not to. He should live and let me live. I am an independent free soul and I like my independence. He has to be a good looking guy, tall with pleasant looks, not necessarily a Greek god. He has to have good money. I am not saying that he should have 100 penthouses, 50 sports cars, should own a private jet, but he should have enough money to support me. Q: Would the man you date be too hip or something and won’t be take home to mamma material? Or would he qualify for both? A- No, he would be the same. Q: Whom do you like to get stranded with on a deserted island? A- My man. Now who is that man is for you to find out? Q: What turns you on in a man and what turns you off? A- I don’t like guys who are very pompous, full of themselves and egoistic. You know I hate people who throw their names everywhere. I like down to earth and humble people. I like men who respect women and their identity. Q: What is the most important ingredient of a successful relationship? A- Trust, companionship and desire are the most important ingredients of any relationship. I think you should desire your partner and there should be an element of lust in your relationship. Because of the lust and desire your relationship remains evergreen. Q: Hottest actor from Bollywood or Hollywood, who you think would resemble your man the most? A- Russel Crowe. Q: Hottest cricketer? A- Kapil Dev. Q: What would be the most romantic song you would like to sing to your man? A- You fill up my senses-Anni’s song Q: Your ideal romantic get away? A- Anywhere he takes me. There has to be music, light and action by him . Q: How would you want your man to propose to you? A- He should propose me by sliding a nice big diamond rock into my finger on a beach, in a full moon night. Q: Would you ever go out on a blind date? A- No, I don’t think so. Q: Do you believe in one night stand or commitment? A- I believe in only commitment. Q: Your first crush? A- It was my PT teacher when I was in my fifth standard. Q: What if your date spikes your drink at a party? A- I would never let him do something like this. See I am very careful about who I go out with. I am very careful about the company I choose. If you are careful then no one can dodge you.

Interview conducted by Sneha Hazarika

Thanks to one of the commenters (We love you all... even if you call us c****... And our readers... we like you too... you don't EVER call us c****), we have been given exclusive insight into a tale of two nobodies. The initial story was about director Talat Jani's 15 year old son running away with his girlfriend, with 1000 Rupees in his pocket and a head full of dreams (Mostly of nights of crazy passion), before coming back home after his money ran out. However, reader JK gives us a whole new twist to the story... an inside twist. Here are his comments. Censored, of course. We're a family blog. See the stars up there? Family blog. JK says,

Your such a stupid retard with absolutely no common sense, seems like your fathers c*** is stuck up ur brains.That 15 year old guy is my good friend, infact 1 of my best friends and hes 1 of the best persons ive known.And the police gave their own stories about him being inspired by dads film.All that news is lies, his dads film was in 2001, and now after 6 years he elopes, do you think any1 will take his dads films name ?forget that will any1 even take a films name, damn ! is he crazy..no…but the police and media are liars, u shud know how they make shit up and if u dont , then as i said above u dont have any common sense.and the relationship was accepted by his family and not the girls family.and no1 knows the real story, real reason why they ran away for if you knew you would shut that f***in a*****e mouth of yours.and their lives will not be a misery.because the guy is the boss of his school, and all students even from colleges fear to even look athim in school forget laughing, and so goes for his girlfriend.and if you knew even a bit about love, you would not put somebodys elses love down.and what do u know about love ? these 2 love each other that even if you had taken 100 lives with your wife, you wouldnt be able to love each other like these 2 do.hes my good friend, so im defending him in truth.while ur a f***** whos speakin s*** and making his own assumptions, so foolish are you that u think only from 1 side of ur brains.the media and the police are liars, if u still want to act like a stubborn stupid f***head, then wait till 1 day when u are caught behind with police, and see what comes in the media about you, and the floor beneath you will slip away.and then i do hope that a b****** like you, writes the same shit about you. and yeah ..let me tell you ..they had 18000 rs with them..not 1000 rs..they are not fools to run aawy with 1000 rs…and police didnt catch them..nor could place trace them…it was only because his family saw him miraculously, in townside when the 2 had gone for an outing for a while.and they were abotu to get out of the city that day , but miraculously his family saw them. dumbf*** - “Wow, Talat Jani must be a flippin’ useless director if his son is willing to run away from his dad” does that make any fuckin sense ? you got brains of a donkey…. but if you were his dad, i bet he would have broken your head and thrown you off the window and then run away. get a life motherf***er, before talking about another persons life.u dumb**** u wont even get a girlfriend, even if u do u wont have real love, and ur partner will double time you.because you f***** like you cannot get anything true and good, because u urself are a fakeass b****, who speaks out of his ass.

As we can all read (If we have the time), JK is eloquently defending his friend. I have to admit, I'm terribly dissappointed in the Police and media... I mean making up lies about somebody that no-one has ever heard of? Poor form. I know that if they lie (About a 15 year old that no-one's heard of) they'll get a billion more readers and people in Africa who don't have food will sell their children to get a copy of their newspaper... but what about ethics man? Also the fact that he had 18000 Rupees instead of 1000, changes everything! I mean... I considered giving up blogging after hearing this news... my faith was shaken to the core. Because with 18000 Rupees... he could've survived for like a month before having to grovel back to his family. I salute you Talat Jani's son (Whatever your name is)! Anyway... Thanks for your comments JK! You gave SoggyCornflakes our first Exclusive!!! Note: Please stop telling Tigger that she won't get a girlfriend. It just makes her happy. Another Note: Please comment guys! If you don't want to give your name and details than just enter a comment and click post and it will post as anonymous.

Salman Khan may have to stay in jail until Saturday because things are not looking good for him. Firstly, he's in jail. Secondly, his parents were refused entry when they wanted to visit him because they came after visiting hours. Thirdly, he's only allowed 3 visitors in his 15 days jail time. Fourthly, his brother, sister and girlfriend have already been in there to visit him. Fifthly, the judge refused to hear his bail plea. Sixthly, if he doesn't listen to it by tomorrow, Salman will be in jail until Saturday at least because... Seventhly, lawyers are going on strike on Friday. So basically, things pretty much suck for the guy at the moment. I never knew lawyers went on strike...what happened to professional jobs? Sheesh. Some additional Advocate General thingy says:

“Rajasthan government says that we will oppose Salman’s bail plea. The state government has also filed a petition in Rajasthan HC seeking enhancement of punishment of Salman Khan in another case of killing Chinkara,” “In that case he was sentenced one year of imprisonment.”

So the guy is basically screwed. As much as it pains me to say this, enjoy jail Salman.

I know I sound pretty hostile, but I think Bollywood is one of the most superficial industries in the world. For them, healthy means not collapsing from starvation on set. I think Vidya Balan is so pretty and it looks like she's healthy and happy with herself. Her body is proportional...so am I the only one that sees this? For starring in a movie with Shahid Kapoor, the actress was told to lose 15 KGs before coming on set. What the hell, that's like 40 pounds! And completely insane that she should lose so much for a role, unless she's playing an anorexic older woman...damn, the director must be retarded. A source says:

"Shahid as it is looks like a kid in front of her. She is older to him but they cannot afford to make her look like his mother in the film," "Vidya has a pretty face and is a promising actress all she needs to do is keep herself fit like most of today's actresses do,"

So daily exercise, binging and projectile vomiting are the order of the day?

Well, it's not a big surprise but let's all act shocked. Oh my goodness, I can't believe they tried to get the more-famous Shilpa Shetty then not-that-famous-anymore Aishwarya Rai for a role in Pink Panther 2! That's like the biggest shock I've had, like when I found out they were stopping Gummi Bears...that's just rubbish man! I couldn't sleep for like 5 extra minutes when I heard! Ash's agent (the big liar) claimed that she was the only actress offered the role of Sophie in the Pink Panther...Shilpa's agent came back with saying that Shilps was offered the role 2 months before Ash but for some reason, she refused to do it. Though I think getting Ash for the role was a big mistake...you just know that she'll keep saying "like" in the middle of sentences, because that's the way cool people talk, right Ash?

Guys, I think today might be my day. According to reports, Shahid Kapoor and Kareena Kapoor's relationship is on the rocks and guess who's next in line? ME! Well, me and a million other girls, but I'd say that's still a good chance, right? Right? I do have a chance with Shahid...right guys? -Sob- I HAVE TO HAVE A CHANCE! IT ISN'T FAIR! Why do ugly chicks like Kareena get the cutest guys? Ohkay, now that I have that out of my system, let me continue telling you about the happy news. Kareena and Shahid are supposedly on the verge of a break-up, because of Saif Ali Khan (Dude, I know you have a big nose, but you don't have to poke it in everyone's business!). Kareena and him reportedly got close on the set of Tashan and poor Shahid doesn't have a clue about it. Bechara Shahid. Kareena haters in the world unite! Boycott the bimbo who doesn't know how good she had it.

Sushmita Sen is in trouble...I think. The actress imported some car without paying tax on it. It was a Toyota Cruiser...don't they get that in India? According to reports:

Sushmita has claimed possession of the vehicle, saying that she had advanced some money to importer Vasu Thamala and Thamala in return had hypothicated the vehicle to her. But, an affidavit filed by MCGM vigilance officer Satish Rana alleges that the claim was completely false as the addresses of the alleged importer Thamala has been found to be non-existent.

Bad girl, bad girl, what you gonna do? What you gonna do when the tax people come for you?

Sanjay Dutt is out of jail (obviously), because how could they keep an actor of his caliber in jail? I guess the same way they're keeping Salman Khan in jail, but that's a different story, which I'm hoping 'The Other Guy' will be dealing with. I'm so tired of celebrities going to jail. It's like a hobby for them. Speaking of hobbies, Sanjay didn't have much to do in jail besides catch up with his correspondence, and he had to use actual pen and paper (gasp!) No printers, no keyboards, no emails...how very primitive. Says a lose source of Sanjay's:

"In jail the easiest and most reliable means of communication is the Indian postal service. Some of us who are his close friends who wanted him to know we're with him during his solitude, sent letters by Speed Post which were duly and prompted delivered to him."

I guess they don't have FaceBook in jail huh? Oh well, snail mail works too. Sanju's not really enjoying himself though, because even though he's free, he could be going back any day. I guess it does weigh on your conscious that this could be your last meal as a free man...your last drink...your last cigarette...your last hooker...ummm, I think you get my point.

While all Aishwarya Rai fans collapse in tears, we can all discuss whether Lara Dutta can be a decent Paro or not in the remake of Devdas. Well, it's not a proper remake, it's a modernised version, which sounds alot more interesting than the older ones. I love classics but new ideas are also nice. The updated version will be called Aur Devdas and so far there's no word on who'll be playing Devdas. Who do you think will still look cute when he's drunk and heartbroken? Lara will be playing Paro, an investment banker and Soha Ali Khan is a hopeful to play Chandramukhi, who'll be a politician. Lara says:

“I’m very excited. I’ve wanted to work with Sudhir Mishra for a long time. And now we’ve the perfect script.”

Have the Ash fans stopped crying yet? Don't worry guys, change is good!