SoggyCornflakes - Bollywood

Now here is an experience I can share with actors, being pulled over by the cops. The forthcoming movie Kya Love Story Hai (What a Love Story) was interrupted during its song shoot in Cape Town, South Africa.

Now I’ve only been to Cape Town once, very pretty place, so it made a good backdrop for their song ”Gumsum Hai Dil Tera” (Your Heart is Confused or Lost…or something like that) which was shot on an open-air school-bus, with actors dressed in uniforms.

The shooting would have gone well if the unit had asked permission to shoot on a bus first, but since they hadn’t, patrolling police caught them and threatened to arrest the crew, including Tusshar Kapoor of Kya Kool Hai Hum fame. Eventually, the misunderstanding was sorted out and as Tusshar proudly claims “We didn’t even need to bribe them!”…Yes Tusshar, South Africa is not India, for one thing, they have more Black people there…and the cops don’t always take bribes…just most of the time.

Today Rani Mukherji turns 29 and it’s been a whole decade since she had her first starrer in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai with SRK and cousin Kajol. She’s gone from leaps and bounds since then, right to the top where she in now arguably the biggest female star in Bollywood cinema. There’s a nice article about her here, an overview of her major roles to the top.

I’m too lazy to make fun of her, and since it’s her birthday, I should be nice to the rich little diva, shouldn’t I?

Happy Birthday Rani and may you have many more!

My least favourite Khan, Shah Rukh now makes more money from being the ambassador of ICICI, a top Indian bank. ICICI wants to target Indians living in Britain with their advertisements featuring King Khan. His brilliant ad offers 5.65% interest on deposits of more than a pound…wow, that’s real value right there, boys and girls!

Sonjay Chatterjee says “He is our brand ambassador and his name is easily recognisable to anyone of South Asian origin, he is also very popular.”

Wow, SRK really is so popular, if I ever see the ad, I’m sure I’ll have an uncontrollable urge to go burn down my latest ICICI branch…wait, you mean that’s not the point? I’m supposed to give the bank money? Why the hell would I do that? I don’t have money anyways…

This has a very vague Bollywood link, but I just have to put the story in, it’s too damn funny! You know how, when you really care about someone, you might start spoiling them and giving them lots of money and gifts? And if the person really cared about you too, they either wouldn’t accept or at least return the favour? Well…some stupid Indian forgot everything in a quest to win a married women’s heart.

Bharani Indran, an NRI living in the US met Maliha Ramu through an online chatroom, and began an internet affair. Ramu used a fake name and pictures of Bollywood actress Gayatri Joshi to lure Indran into her web of deceit and promised to marry him. She then asked Indran to send her $45 000 to cover her mother’s funeral expenses and a friend’s wedding…Indran, being the dumb-ass that he is, sent her the money quite happily. He only became suspicious when she asked for more money and he filed a police report. I’m surprised that the police didn’t just point at him and laugh. To give him full credit, they should have put up a picture of him saying WANTED: THE USA’s DUMBEST INDIAN…and then pushed him onto the floor and peed on him, because that’s what justice is about.

Ramu was eventually arrested and her husband said “no sensible man will — without seeing her in person first — send so much money to a woman who claims she loves him and wants to marry him.” Ramu wasn’t there to comment, but I’ll tell you what I’m pretty sure she said “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Indian’s are stooopid!” and then she would have wiped her bum with the poor idiot’s money to rub it in.

It seems like the only person in the news regularly is Shilpa Shetty and I have to write about her…again -long suffering sigh-. So here goes, if I fall asleep while doing so…well, I guess you won’t be reading this if I did.

Shilpa Shetty has openly admitted that she’s had a nose job, after suffering from being an ugly duckling at school; she changed her nose at the start of her career, before she became famous.

Asjad Nazir, who spoke in her documentary The Real Shilpa Shetty said “ Shilpa realised she had to go away and work on her look because she didn’t look great in the film.” referring to her 1993 movie Baazigar. “So the first thing she had was a nose job and then after the nose job she started getting a lot of grooming, right from her dodgy haircut to physically getting into shape.”

I never realised, me and Shilpa have so much in common! True, I’m not disgustingly rich and I never got a nose job, but I did have lots of plastic surgery…I wanted to look like Barbie, but I wanted it to be done cheaply…though I guess the monkey in the alleyway with the scalpel wasn’t the best idea.

Hmmm, that is a real mystery, isn’t it? Is Amitabh Bachchan a diva? Who can I call in to help me solve the case? GHOSTBUSTERS! Ok, wait, unless Amitabh was dead, they can’t really help…Oh, I got it! Power Rangers! Nah…Captain Planet? Is Amitabh commiting any acts of pollution? Don’t think so…There’s no-one around to help me, so I’ll solve the mystery by myself!

Amitabh didn’t get the presidential suite in some hotel, because Priety Zinta was staying in it. It was reported, but denied later on that Amitabh threw a tantrum and refused to film until he got the suite.

I’m sure this didn’t happen. Amitabh has always seemed like the decent type, why would he throw a tantrum over something so stupid? Tabloids, they just wanna report everything…like the time I built that orphanage…saying I built it with drug money was just over-kill…marijuana is not a drug!

We’ve all heard about the rivalry between Amitabh Bachchan and Shah Rukh Khan, but some people just aren’t happ with letting the rumours fly around and are now going to profit from it.

Shakalaka Boom Boom by Suneel Darshan will be using the two super star’s feud for the movie. Except in the movie, its singers who are the main characters. One old one who is adored by millions and won’t let go, the other who is the latest break-through star and is making a name for himself in the industry with his eyes set for the top position.

This should be an interesting movie, I wanna see how it turns out. Wouldn’t it be cool if those two suddenly start fighting for real and just before the young is about to kill the older star, he turns to him and says in a croack voice “I am your father”? Cool, but I don’t think they’ll use it, because Bollywood never spoofs Hollywood, never!

Aw man, too bad I don’t live in India, I’ll still have to carry on buying fake DVDs, so sad, considering I probably pay more for the fake stuff than how much Moser Baer, the largest optical storage manufacturer (big words dude who makes CD’s) in India has announced that it will be making DVDs and VCDs of 101 popular Hindi movie titles.

According to, Harish Dayani, Chief Executive, Entertainment Business, “This initiative represents an excellent opportunity to leverage our optical media strengths in patented and proprietary technology, capacity and costs enabling us to offering high quality titles at very attractive price points between Rs 28 – Rs 34 for VCD/DVD. I believe that at these price points, consumers will finally have a chance to ‘Own Bollywood’.”

Wow, check those prices. That’s nothing, considering that these DVD’s will be top quality stuff and not cheap cinema prints or dodgy packs where some movies are good quality and others aren’t. As you can see, I’m an expert about fake DVD’s, so here’s my advice to all you DVD buyers out there: Don’t buy drugs…become a pop star and they give them to you for free! That doesn’t really make sense, does it?

Exciting news, isn’t it? But since it’s a slow news day, let’s talk.

Obviously, the Cricket World Cup has been keeping the sub-continent busy, with Bangladeshi’s celebrating all over the place, Indian’s disappointed by their team’s uninspired performance and Pakistani’s devastated over their group stage exit. But one Indian boy is still in love with his team as he has a T-shirt with all their signatures.

Priyanka Chopra’s little brother is ecstatic when he and his big sister saw the team at the airport and after begging her to get their autographs, whipped off his own T-shirt and gave it to his sister. Priyanka, while she didn’t approach the team personally (I think she should have, that might have been an incentive to them if she had wished them luck), did send a request to the team, which they kindly fulfilled.

That was quite sweet of them, I think, but on the other hand, it’s Priyanka Chopra, who’s going to say no to her? Good luck to India for their next match, although I’m sure many Pakistani’s hope they crash and burn, lessening the humiliating exit of their own team.

The ambassador of the goodness of Islam has started representing something else as well: whisky. Shah Rukh Khan is the new ambassador for Masterstroke Deluxe Whisky, and is the representative of one of the biggest endorsement deals in alcoholic beverages industry. The managing director of the company, Asif Adil says:

“Shah Rukh is a masterstroke just like our brand. He represents a new India, full of hope. We hope he will help us to connect with today’s India.”

Someone please note that the MD and SRK are both Muslims, and if they had any kind of self respect, they would go and drown themselves! I’m sick of seeing the Muslims of today lower themselves for the sake of money! The only way you two won’t burn in hell is through the grace of God.

I know this isn’t a funny post, but I’m tired of these kind of people, You wanna screw up your own life, please do so! Don’t encourage others to do the same shit you do!