SoggyCornflakes - Bollywood

In Bollywood news today…

Salman is unlucky in love…You know why? Because he has a bloody naval piercing! Which chick in her right mind would go for that? And also, his current girlfriend Katrina Kaif is half his age! And as far as I know, she doesn’t have a bellybutton ring…tell me Salman, who wears the pants in your relationship?

India’s attempt at Big Brother (“Bigg Boss”) blows…mainly because it has no sex. Seriously, how can you have a reality TV show without sex? But then if they put sex in, then there would be mass uprisings, because Indian people pretend that they don’t like sex…but they do, that’s why they won’t watch the show. So make up your mind you lot! Do you want sex or do you want a show(s) where the main attraction is the “Buhu” (Daughter-in-law) trying to get her “Saas” (Mother-in-law), and vice versa?

Apparently, animals are not being treated well in India…ummmm, can anyone say “Duh”? Animal Rights groups are having little hissy fits all over the place because animals are used in the filming of the new Hrithik and Ash movie “Jodha-Akbar”, and they say they’re treated cruelly. Bugger off you wankers!!! At least those animals are in a movie with Ash and Hrithik! Lucky things…wish I was them…they get to go home and say “I was in a movie with Hrithik…he sat on me…I farted on Aishwarya’s face” Seriously, how cool is that? If you really want to save some animals, go help those poor monkeys in tutus dancing in the alley-ways…that’s real exploitation right there!

Finally, India’s biggest faggot-who-won’t-admit-it a.k.a. Karan Johar is making an animation film. Ummm, yeah, I could give you his quote, but I don’t want you to get gay-cooties…so thank me!

Ok, maybe he doesn’t, but Bollywood legend Amitabh Bachchan did say that he wanted his son Abhishek to get married quickly and his wife (at this stage, most likely Aishwarya Rai) to start popping out the boys… Ok, maybe he didn’t say that exactly either, but he does want a grandson. Why Amitabh, Why? What’s wrong with girls? It’s true that they can’t pee standing up but does it condone such “nafrat” (hate)? And along with India’s fun history of being a nation of girl haters, you better watch what you say next dude, you got a lot of fans…and most of them are stupid enough to listen to you.

Hunky John Abraham is on the Taliban hit-list, after filming in Afghanistan for his new film “Kabul Expess”. John, his co-star Arshad Warsi and other actors all needed extra protection after receiving threats from the militant Taliban. The threats stem from the Taliban feeling that music and dance (the epitomes of Indian cinema) is so wrong, but I know why the Taliban really want John…because he’s hot…and they’re gay…and who wouldn’t want John???

Ummm... yeah... well this is really a website and we don't really do those things... you could...ummm... y'know... try the street corner... Oh! what? OK MOVIE hit... yeah, piss off now. Lemme speak. Anyway, according to santabanta.com Ash has only had 3 hits after 33 movies... As far as I know these hits were Me doing Ash, Me doing Ash again and me not being able to get it up... But I really haven't been watching Bollywood movies for that long. Anyway if Umrao Jaan isn't a hit (and neither is Dhoom 2 and neither is Guru) than Ash won't have a hit... which is like saying if I don't manage to get to sleep with Petra Nemcova (or Adriana Lima or Fernanda Tavares) than I'll still be a virgin... yeah... that's the gist of the article.